Losing at a game.

Hi, I work for autism specialist consultants and I highly recommend there Social detectives pack. This should help as there is a winning and losing section.

That must be difficult for him. I'm sorry.

But I'm glad he's coping better now.

I hate losing, everyone does. It's usually worse when you're younger but as you mature usually you learn to take it more maturely as well 

My son finds it hard losing a game. I recall following him when he stormed off after a football game and gradually managed to talk to him and show empathy as he started to calm down. As he has got older he copes better than he used to most of the time. 

Unfortunately I think this is a common part of being on the spectrum. I think it causes a build up of pressure and worry. 

No one likes losing and the thought of losing. It causes a sort of sensory overload for us.

I used to get this really severely. I play tennis a lot and this triggered it, still does but I've learnt to accept that I could lose and probably will. You can't win every game.

I think you need to try and get him to accept and understand he can't and won't win every time. 

If he loses it'll still be hard for him but at least being prepared should make it slightly easier.

Social stories might help. Another approach would be something based on cognitive behavioural therapy. He has an irrational belief "I  must always win " and probably imagines all sorts of dire consequences if he loses. Is there a professional who could help, e.g. the SENCO at school, a CAMHS worker, social worker etc.? You will proably not be able to get through to him when he is highly stressed - give him time to wind down, then talk it through calmly. I am guessing that what you are seeing is just one example of his inability to handle frustration. What is he like in school where he gets a bad mark on a test, for example?

It is good to have high aspirations, but we also need to forgive ourself when, despite our best efforts, things do not work out so well. Team sports tend to emphasise on playing to win ... you need to help him to accept that he has tried his best, and that's what counts. Logically only one team can win - maybe today is not your turn. You tried your best - that's good enough. This is what I was saying about social stories.

Even professional athletes loses at games, and if he can't handle losing, he should not play the game. Games are meant to be fun, and instead of putting everyone down for losing as if it's their fault, he should work on himself and practice to be a better player. If he is good at what he does, he also needs to be a good member to his team. He needs to practice handling his emotions when he loses, and that should be a part of his training. Everyone can get angry, but not everyone takes their anger out on others. A part of maturing is learning how to cool yourself down when you get angry, and a mark of immaturity is when someone gets angry and takes their anger out on everyone.

Autistic people can be real perfectionists about things they really care about. It’s one of the reasons they often get so good at one special skill.

he’s probably very conflicted because football is a team sport so it’s difficult for him to decide should he be angry with him self or his team. Right now it’s probably both.

there is no short cut to learning perspective or maturity. He just has to confront failiour over and over till he comes to realise failure is the price you pay for success. I’d encourage him to treat failiour as a constructive learning experience. If he looses a game he must calmly ask him self why he lost so he can do better next time.

I’ve always been the exact opposite: not competitive at all. I like personal targets for myself, but really don’t mind losing games or having a poor Wordle score compared to friends etc. I do the best I can though, as what would be the point of doing otherwise? I’ve never supported a team and at school never wanted to play football or anything. When forced to, I’d be picked last for a team, or rather one team got me as the leftover dregs and I could feel their despair over it. My presence impacting on their chances. They wanted to win so much. I couldn’t bring myself to care, try as I might, but again I did my best (which was awful). 

I suppose if autism often makes us ‘too much’ or ‘too little’ (in NT terms) of certain things, it looks like we got opposite sides of that particular spectrum, Desmond79.

Many things can phase and trouble me very easily, but feeling a need for victory or a team to pin my hopes on isn’t one of them. It always feels like just so much ‘goings on’. Harmless but inconsequential. 

I have a adhd 8yr old boy. Sweet jeez it’s hardwork.  

I tend to remind him a lot of what he has..  I have 5 children so it’s mind controlling.. right guys who is playing Fortnite/Minecraft later?  Or any naughty business and I swear to god you’ll have cottage pie for tea and so and so will have domino’s..  I read my son like a book and it’s all about reminding him what’s at home before the issue revolves.

bare in mind I’m autistic. I maybe wording this wrong. Also my son likes being told he’s been good so far today. He also likes being invited to help me.. one of my hobbies is tools. So he thrives off helping dad. My point is, you need an advantage point but it needs to come in effect before the tantrum.. 

there is also joining in, ask him what’s up and agree.. call the other team a few childish names. I have 5 kids oldest nearly 10. I go with the flow and get quicker results, mum flips her lid and it goes on past midnight. 

sorry for the essay

Most likely he just has to go through it, unfortunately. I'm assuming he's always been like this, as usually kids with these traits need to be read classic stories where the protagonist experiences a lot of defeat and very few wins. They are typically perfectionists and might have incredible vision at what they can become, which is only frustrated by where they are at and the steps it might take to reach their potential.  

The autistic-wired brain will feel every defeat with extreme impact. This is normal and part of autism. Sensory impact, emotional and psychological are not just difficult or impossible to filter or dull, but the intensity of them is severe. I cannot stress this enough. This is something worth discussing with him. Most NeuroTypical individuals do not experience sensory (psychological / emotional / physical) impact like this. It doesn't make it any less valid, it means when he loses, to take it out on a run, go to the gym, to dismiss himself from everyone immediately in order to be mindful not to take it out on others. If he can do this and is not forced into pleasantries, those can eventually come as he matures. But first he needs to learn a hard boundary, especially if he's not aware how he's impacted is far more severe than others, he might experience added frustration that no one else cares as much as he does - he may think he's carrying the weight of the team which adds resentment. He needs to learn it's OK to feel and be angry, just not be cruel. And to leave. Immediately. In a year or so, he may be able to breathe through a few goodbyes and head to the gym. 

It's also good for him to be around mentors (parents, uncles, teachers) who are realistic about defeat, who can laugh at failure, and talk openly about things which are harsh realities of life. We all can use role models who are genuinely humble about their shortcomings and limitations and show us how to redirect fury, frustration or heartbreak into something that builds character. 

We can't stand not getting our way, my brother and I were like that with our games consoles. Also, I couldn't bear the thought of my favourite Football Teams losing. Which is why I don't bet, anymore. My heat ALWAYS overrules my head. 

It's probably a sensory overload, and the thought of being 'Not Good Enough'. The only cure is to practice acceptance of things we can't change.