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Dating someone who has AS.

Mark

I have AS, and a few weeks ago I went on a date with a guy who half way through the date told me he has AS. I didn’t tell him I had it till the second date. But it’s made things between us so much easier.

that’s until recently. He was meant to come down and visit me (40 minutes on two trains) but he’s having a shutdown and cancelled due to it being very stressful, he’s never left London and don’t want to. I completely understand and get this. 

but, am I being selfish in feeling like he should put some effort into seeing me. He’s 10 years younger than me, so I know it will take him time, but at the same time I feel like telling him he just needs to do it and get it over with. 

it would be stupid for us to end a potential relationship over him not wanting to travel, as we are the only ones who would understand eachother. 

he’s actually the first person I’ve spoken to about my AS, I’ve told him all I’ve experienced with therapy, drs, teachers and family. How they treated me, spoke to me, told me how I should and shouldn’t feel. I told him how I feel like I’ve been punished since I was 10 because of this. And he understands that, the same has happened to him and it completely breaks my heart that I don’t think this will work. 

im trying to give him time, but at the same time I know jumping into the deep end will help him in the long run. 

do I carry on seeing him/wait till he’s ready or just “end it” and see other people? 
I don’t know what to do. It makes me feel like he doesn’t like me and he’s making it up to avoids me

  • in reply to Mark

    The double empathy problem kicks in- he backs off, you back off = difficult, and if repeated its easy for one/both to walk away for good.  Autistic people face this socially and in relationship attempts, and two autistic people will face it also - but the shared understanding can help get past it, or live with it better.

    You are kind of being having to be his carer or life-coach as well as trying to develop a relationship, that probably isn't what you had in mind but he may be able to get past this difficult stage and snowball, less stressed more relax = more chance of a relationship, with you or anyone else.  It may not happen though.

  • You’re right. I didn’t think that trying to get him to come to me and just “jumping in” wouldn’t help him.

    all of us are different.

    I did offer to pick him up from his house and come to me but he didn’t reply (he’s bad at messaging) I would think dating someone like me would be easier but it’s just as hard Sweat smile

  • He just gets stressed out and anxious when he has to travel anywhere. His phobia does not equate to him not liking you or anything like that, but traveling just seems out of his comfort level to do. 

    I mean if you do visit him sometime, maybe travel back together with him sometime, show him a map, show him a step-by-step process, just anything to make him more familiar with the route to get to your place, and how to get back home to his place. 

    If they're anxious and stressed out about something already, and they're forced into doing something (just to get it over with) by another person, that's just going to add to their anxiety and stress levels, not decrease it. I mean imagine him actually getting to your place, but now he's just breaking down and having a panic attack and just stressed out and unhappy to be there. That's not the nice romantic meeting you had imagined in your mind. I mean it would take time for him to feel comfortable traveling to see you. But if you eventually get a place together, then travelling won't me as much of an issue. 

  • Hi..  Its a bit harsh to judge him against your own abilities and confidence etc., both being autistic doesn't mean he can just go and reach your level on things.  Testing how keen his is or how deep his interest is fair enough, but you are also testing his ability to cope with travel that he has said is difficult.  Anxiety, difficulty with organising yourself, navigating, crowds etc. - various reasons for it being difficult.  Its probably a good idea to simplify and compromise and try and meet half-way, or travel to him and help him travel back with you.  Exposure therapy, throwing yourself into it, can work but if someone can't manage themselves then that is risky - may get lost, so more stressed etc.

  • I think that the suggestion that you chaperone him from his home to yours on his first trip is a very good one. It is the unknown that is most distressing, you could also go over what he would need to do if he were to miss a connection or get on the wrong train, and who to ask for help. If he has a mobile phone, he can be in contact with you for advice and reassurance when he does make the journey by himself. 

  • I would give him time - you obviously get on well so it will most likely be worth being patient with him. You would want him to be patient with you wouldn’t you? So do the same for him - if you feel you can. 

  • I am sure that he does like you but travelling anywhere is very stressful whether you've traveled before or not. For me I found if I do the journey with someone then I will feel more comfortable to do it alone, perhaps you could do the journey with him one time or suggest he brings a friend with him? Telling him 'he needs to just do it' will not help, if anything it will make him feel ashamed and potentially disconnect from you.