Making friends online

Hi! I would love to chat. I'm 24, I love hiking, nature and science. I used to love reading though I haven't read much in recent years (maybe something I need to take up again). 

Got that wrong - it’s called ‘The Tibetan Art of Serenity’.  I’ve always been interested in Tibet. We went to see the Dalai Llama do a talk years ago and ever since have always been interested in Tibet and Buddhism (although this book is connected to a ancient religion called Bon). 

That's fascinating. I have always wanted to see the Himalaya as well (though for me the mountains are what fascinates me most). 

Hi, Sorry for the late reply, I've only just seen your reply. 

Yes, please share the comments on PhDs with your son if you think it might be helpful from him. I wanted to share to avoid other people getting into a similar situation to me- it is so easy to be taken advantage of if (like me) you are passionate about your subject and get hyperfocused on the research/project aspect of it to the exclusion of other things. 

I've only been to Oxford once, but like you say studying there probably has a lot of similarities to studying in Cambridge- Did your son enjoy studying in Oxford? 

Cambridge is such a nice place to visit :). Aromi is nice :), I love their ice cream. Mum and I actually ate there when we first went to Cambridge for my interview. I also really love the market and the food on the market in Cambridge (especially the baked goods). 

Yes, I know Open Air- they were always super friendly and had great equipment. Unfortunately, the last I saw was that they are closing permanently, which is sad. I suspect it might be due to the pandemic. 

Are there any particular camping gear websites and youtube reviewers that you like looking at? In the past I've mainly researched gear when I was planning to replace/buy a piece of kit, but looking at gear could be a fun activity- it would allow me to dream about future trips. 

I'm really glad my Mum and I understand each other so well- we are very alike and like you say, I think that can be a huge advantage. My dad is very different - I don't have that much of a relationship with him, partly because my parents divorced when I was young, but probably also because we are quite different. It is very hard for him to understand the struggles I am facing- He can just "switch off" any circular thoughts and any stress and anxiety... he doesn't understand that not everyone can simply decide to switch on "relaxed mode" and not worry about everything... So he struggles to understand why I am finding it so hard to cope and he does get frustrated with me and can (usually without meaning to) make some hurtful comments.

I'm glad that your son is enjoying his time abroad! I hope he manages to sort out the paperwork soon!! 

I really enjoy talking to you too!! 

Yes - they’re on Twitter - though they’re not that keen on it. They have a small group of close  friends online that they’re really close to though and it’s a very supportive and neurodiverse group. 

Is your eldest on twitter? Good place to find autistic people talking about autism, but will also find non-binary autistic people (and non-autistics of course).  Neurodiversity is diverse in many many ways, good to see.

What you say about doing a PHD is really interesting. My eldest (who is non-binary by the way in case you wonder why I keep describing them as ‘my eldest’ in that slightly odd way!) does have some concerns about it. He has a couple of friends who have had really bad experiences doing a PHD too. There are lots of downsides like you say - or can be anyway . Also there’s the financial pressure as there’s not much funding in my eldest’s field of study. if you don’t mind I’ll share your comments on this subject with him - I’m sure he’ll find them helpful. 
So you studied at Cambridge?! My eldest did their first degree at Oxford. I imagine there are a lot of similarities - Oxford is a bit of a bubble too. Also I think those really good University’s tend to have a slightly higher proportion of autistic students who are experts in their subject. Like you say about Cambridge  - it’s a very special place to study and to live. Before the pandemic we used to visit Cambridge a lot as we love it so much. It has such a great atmosphere - it’s a bit more ‘cosy’ than Oxford I always think. We love the Fitzwilliam Museum and Kettles Yard. Lots of nice places to eat - we like the little Italian Cafe called Aromi. The architecture is so beautiful too. Most of all though we like just meandering about. I’m not surprised you miss it - I miss it too. Did you use the little Outdoor shop called Open Air? I like that shop. 

I love hiking equipment stores too - I love finding really small, lightweight kit - it’s a bit of a weakness of mine. I don’t actually do that much camping or hiking at the moment due to the pandemic (mainly just local walks) but I still spend plenty of time looking at camping kit etc online, and those videos on YouTube where people review camping gear. I find it really interesting to see how other people have little tricks to make camping more comfortable etc. 

I can relate to what you say about your relationship with your Mother. My son and I are both struggling at the moment - we support each other and have so many similarities- but I sometimes think that it would be better for my son to have a Mother who was not autistic - and who was super capable and neurotypical and stronger than I am. However my Mother was more like that and it wasn’t very good - because she couldn’t understand me and was often very critical of me for my (what she saw as) ‘weaknesses’. Both my parents saw me as ‘too sensitive’, or ‘making a fuss about nothing’ if I was anxious or scared etc. So overall I think it’s better to have a parent who understands you and empathises with you - even if you are both sometimes vulnerable and struggling. I felt so alone having parents who didn’t understand me. 

I think you show huge courage moving to Germany on your own and not knowing anyone there - that’s really impressive. You must really love your subject to do that. I hope that the job you are doing has met your expectations? My eldest and their girlfriend moved abroad last year as she went abroad to do a Master's - they’re really enjoying the adventure of living in another country. I’m so glad they are doing it - as my son finds things challenging too - so it was a big deal for him. It’s working out well though - about from the fact that getting the paperwork for him to work there has been a nightmare and he still hasn’t got it sorted so that he can work there. He’s running out of money so it’s getting difficult for him - however he doesn’t regret going, he really likes it there and they are really enjoying the experience. 

it’s good to do these things isn’t it? It’s so easy to hold back from big changes like that. I wish I had been more adventurous in my life. I hope to be braver in future - once the pandemic is less of an issue and when I’m feeling a bit more robust. It’s good to change things in your life, and to take risks sometimes. Things usually work out. 

it’s so nice talking with you! I’m really glad I joined this - it’s been so interesting and has helped me get out of that ‘groove’  of worrying all day long which I tend to do at the moment.

I hope your son finds a nice place to do a PhD, if he decides that is what he wants! It's so important to find a supportive environment for the PhD- I have learnt the hard way not to be too trusting- maybe I am a bit paranoid now, but you have to be so careful- it is so easy to be exploited and taken advantage of (I do make it very easy for people to do this as I get hyperfocused and enthusiastic about the research and want to please). My advice is to make sure you have things in writing (especially if not applying for formal programs), never start working without a contract (if it is somewhere where you are meant to be an employee during PhD), try to talk to people that are working there/ have worked there and ask them direct questions about the work environment and supervisor and don't be too trusting (if they want to recruit you they will promise you anything... even if it is not true). Sorry, not sure this was called for. I am feeling a little protective at this point of anyone wanting to embark on a PhD due to the experience I am having currently. 

Cologne is nice- I have been there twice as they have the best hiking store ever! Highly recommend going there if you are ever in the region- the store has 5 floors and it is the hiker's paradise- it even has a whole section with hiking books and guides. Cologne is a very nice city too, but I have to admit that mum and I traveled there specifically to get hiking gear. 

I don't actually have family in Germany. I moved to Germany purely because I wanted to research a very particular area for my PhD and there are only very few labs in the world doing this kind of research. So I was very pleased when I had the opportunity to join this lab. I do miss living in the UK - I was in Cambridge for 5 years and I loved it there - it is such a beautiful place and it is much easier to fit in there. Cambridge is a bubble. Maybe I would grow to like it here as well with time (I haven't had time to really explore and I do struggle to deal with change). I don't think I would ever like it as much as Cambridge though- Cambridge is very special. 

It's great that you get on so well with your son! I also didn't have friends while at school and it really helped me to have my mum as a friend. I am very happy Mum and I get along so well and that we made it through this difficult period.

The reason our relationship became difficult is that a few years ago I started struggling more with mental health. At the same time my Mum was also having a difficult time. I was quite dependent on her for a lot of things including emotional support and we confided in each other about a lot of our problems, which in the past had been positive. However at some point, it just got very difficult with us pulling each other down rather than up (Also as I got older, mum was less able to 'fix' my problems which caused some frustration- which really wasn't fair from my side as mum was doing all she could to help.). It was quite tough and we ended up having to take some distance from each other, but now we have grown together again- possibly in a more adult way. 

That’s so interesting. 2 years is a long time - that must have been so frustrating for you. I do find though that as long as I can get out into beautiful natural places that is the main thing - even if the terrain is less steep/mountainous. I’ve learnt to appreciate more subtle landscapes recently - such as Suffolk where there is a lot of heathland and marsh with different kinds of bird life. It has its own kind of beauty. 
I like the sound of the DofE survival trip to Skye - it’s very exciting to do that. I love those Ray Mears programmes where he teaches how to make fire and cook outside etc - I just love those things. But at th3 same time it’s also so good to find a shop and buy cake! 

I once stepped on the ground in Luxembourg out of a coach and got back in the coach about half and hour later - that was my only experience of Luxembourg sadly? Are you enjoying living in Germany? The only place I’ve been to in Germany was Cologne (changing train) - I was so impressed by the cathedral there. 
my eldest son is like you - looking to do a PHD but not sure if it will happen. He’s living abroad at the moment because his girlfriend is doing a Master’s abroad.

Do you know people in Germany? Is that why you want to study there? Or did you just feel like exploring another country? 
The U.K. is lovely but it certainly has a lot of problems at the moment. I didn’t want us to leave the EU and feel really sad that that happened. I prefer less barriers between countries - not more. 

What you say about your relationship with your Mother - my youngest son and I are really close and we are great friends too. In a way I can see your point about co-dependence - me and my son support each other a lot and I suppose there are inevitably some complicated aspects to that that could be negative. My son has struggled to make friends due to having Selective Mutism in Educational settings which has been really difficult to him, so I think that has meant that we spend more time together. We really enjoy each other’s company though so we are very fortunate. One day he will move out and get his own place - and we often talk about that and how we will enjoy visiting each other and meeting up for lunch etc. We’re so lucky to get on so well.

I'm sorry that your health is not good. I know how hard this is and I really hope you keep becoming stronger! I was also very fit before I started having health issues- I used to do a lot of running and hiking (loved all kinds of outdoor activities and exercise), but it has been over 2 years now that I haven't been able to do these things. At this point I can go for 1 hour walks on flat terrain, which is better than nothing but I am hoping that eventually I will be able to regain my strength. 

I hope you manage to do some more travelling eventually. I would definitely recommend Corsica (though I am a bit biased and also very obsessed with Corsica). There is some reasonably priced accomodation in Corsica, but getting there can be a bit of a challenge. 

Isle of Skye is so nice, though I find it hard to imagine biking there- I don't remember there being many paths... ? It must be adventurous on a bike there! When I was there it was for DofE and we were meant to be self-sufficient in terms of food... though I had no idea what I was doing and hadn't really packed enough food... I remember we were so happy when we came accross a village and managed to restock.

I am from Luxembourg, however I studied in the UK for the past five years. I moved to Germany in September however I miss the UK so much. There is a lot of uncertainty for me and I had thought I would stay in Germany for 3-4 years for my PhD. However, this might not happen and I am considering moving back to the UK. If I do, I am determined to make more time for walking and exploring nature. 

Yes, my mum and I understand each other extremely well (best friends in a way). We were always very close though we did have to take some distance from each other a year ago as our relationship had become very codependent (in a way that was negative for both of us)- however we are growing closer again now and I am sure we would make great Everest base camp hiking buddies. 

I'm sorry that your health is not good. I know how hard this is and I really hope you keep becoming stronger! I was also very fit before I started having health issues- I used to do a lot of running and hiking (loved all kinds of outdoor activities and exercise), but it has been over 2 years now that I haven't been able to do these things. At this point I can go for 1 hour walks on flat terrain, which is better than nothing but I am hoping that eventually I will be able to regain my strength. 

I hope you manage to do some more travelling eventually. I would definitely recommend Corsica (though I am a bit biased and also very obsessed with Corsica). There is some reasonably priced accomodation in Corsica, but getting there can be a bit of a challenge. 

Isle of Skye is so nice, though I find it hard to imagine biking there- I don't remember there being many paths... ? It must be adventurous on a bike there! When I was there it was for DofE and we were meant to be self-sufficient in terms of food... though I had no idea what I was doing and hadn't really packed enough food... I remember we were so happy when we came accross a village and managed to restock.

I am from Luxembourg, however I studied in the UK for the past five years. I moved to Germany in September however I miss the UK so much. There is a lot of uncertainty for me and I had thought I would stay in Germany for 3-4 years for my PhD. However, this might not happen and I am considering moving back to the UK. If I do, I am determined to make more time for walking and exploring nature. 

Yes, my mum and I understand each other extremely well (best friends in a way). We were always very close though we did have to take some distance from each other a year ago as our relationship had become very codependent (in a way that was negative for both of us)- however we are growing closer again now and I am sure we would make great Everest base camp hiking buddies. 

Hi, Sorry for the late reply, I've only just seen your reply. 

Yes, please share the comments on PhDs with your son if you think it might be helpful from him. I wanted to share to avoid other people getting into a similar situation to me- it is so easy to be taken advantage of if (like me) you are passionate about your subject and get hyperfocused on the research/project aspect of it to the exclusion of other things. 

I've only been to Oxford once, but like you say studying there probably has a lot of similarities to studying in Cambridge- Did your son enjoy studying in Oxford? 

Cambridge is such a nice place to visit :). Aromi is nice :), I love their ice cream. Mum and I actually ate there when we first went to Cambridge for my interview. I also really love the market and the food on the market in Cambridge (especially the baked goods). 

Yes, I know Open Air- they were always super friendly and had great equipment. Unfortunately, the last I saw was that they are closing permanently, which is sad. I suspect it might be due to the pandemic. 

Are there any particular camping gear websites and youtube reviewers that you like looking at? In the past I've mainly researched gear when I was planning to replace/buy a piece of kit, but looking at gear could be a fun activity- it would allow me to dream about future trips. 

I'm really glad my Mum and I understand each other so well- we are very alike and like you say, I think that can be a huge advantage. My dad is very different - I don't have that much of a relationship with him, partly because my parents divorced when I was young, but probably also because we are quite different. It is very hard for him to understand the struggles I am facing- He can just "switch off" any circular thoughts and any stress and anxiety... he doesn't understand that not everyone can simply decide to switch on "relaxed mode" and not worry about everything... So he struggles to understand why I am finding it so hard to cope and he does get frustrated with me and can (usually without meaning to) make some hurtful comments.

I'm glad that your son is enjoying his time abroad! I hope he manages to sort out the paperwork soon!! 

I really enjoy talking to you too!! 

Yes - they’re on Twitter - though they’re not that keen on it. They have a small group of close  friends online that they’re really close to though and it’s a very supportive and neurodiverse group. 

Is your eldest on twitter? Good place to find autistic people talking about autism, but will also find non-binary autistic people (and non-autistics of course).  Neurodiversity is diverse in many many ways, good to see.

What you say about doing a PHD is really interesting. My eldest (who is non-binary by the way in case you wonder why I keep describing them as ‘my eldest’ in that slightly odd way!) does have some concerns about it. He has a couple of friends who have had really bad experiences doing a PHD too. There are lots of downsides like you say - or can be anyway . Also there’s the financial pressure as there’s not much funding in my eldest’s field of study. if you don’t mind I’ll share your comments on this subject with him - I’m sure he’ll find them helpful. 
So you studied at Cambridge?! My eldest did their first degree at Oxford. I imagine there are a lot of similarities - Oxford is a bit of a bubble too. Also I think those really good University’s tend to have a slightly higher proportion of autistic students who are experts in their subject. Like you say about Cambridge  - it’s a very special place to study and to live. Before the pandemic we used to visit Cambridge a lot as we love it so much. It has such a great atmosphere - it’s a bit more ‘cosy’ than Oxford I always think. We love the Fitzwilliam Museum and Kettles Yard. Lots of nice places to eat - we like the little Italian Cafe called Aromi. The architecture is so beautiful too. Most of all though we like just meandering about. I’m not surprised you miss it - I miss it too. Did you use the little Outdoor shop called Open Air? I like that shop. 

I love hiking equipment stores too - I love finding really small, lightweight kit - it’s a bit of a weakness of mine. I don’t actually do that much camping or hiking at the moment due to the pandemic (mainly just local walks) but I still spend plenty of time looking at camping kit etc online, and those videos on YouTube where people review camping gear. I find it really interesting to see how other people have little tricks to make camping more comfortable etc. 

I can relate to what you say about your relationship with your Mother. My son and I are both struggling at the moment - we support each other and have so many similarities- but I sometimes think that it would be better for my son to have a Mother who was not autistic - and who was super capable and neurotypical and stronger than I am. However my Mother was more like that and it wasn’t very good - because she couldn’t understand me and was often very critical of me for my (what she saw as) ‘weaknesses’. Both my parents saw me as ‘too sensitive’, or ‘making a fuss about nothing’ if I was anxious or scared etc. So overall I think it’s better to have a parent who understands you and empathises with you - even if you are both sometimes vulnerable and struggling. I felt so alone having parents who didn’t understand me. 

I think you show huge courage moving to Germany on your own and not knowing anyone there - that’s really impressive. You must really love your subject to do that. I hope that the job you are doing has met your expectations? My eldest and their girlfriend moved abroad last year as she went abroad to do a Master's - they’re really enjoying the adventure of living in another country. I’m so glad they are doing it - as my son finds things challenging too - so it was a big deal for him. It’s working out well though - about from the fact that getting the paperwork for him to work there has been a nightmare and he still hasn’t got it sorted so that he can work there. He’s running out of money so it’s getting difficult for him - however he doesn’t regret going, he really likes it there and they are really enjoying the experience. 

it’s good to do these things isn’t it? It’s so easy to hold back from big changes like that. I wish I had been more adventurous in my life. I hope to be braver in future - once the pandemic is less of an issue and when I’m feeling a bit more robust. It’s good to change things in your life, and to take risks sometimes. Things usually work out. 

it’s so nice talking with you! I’m really glad I joined this - it’s been so interesting and has helped me get out of that ‘groove’  of worrying all day long which I tend to do at the moment.

I hope your son finds a nice place to do a PhD, if he decides that is what he wants! It's so important to find a supportive environment for the PhD- I have learnt the hard way not to be too trusting- maybe I am a bit paranoid now, but you have to be so careful- it is so easy to be exploited and taken advantage of (I do make it very easy for people to do this as I get hyperfocused and enthusiastic about the research and want to please). My advice is to make sure you have things in writing (especially if not applying for formal programs), never start working without a contract (if it is somewhere where you are meant to be an employee during PhD), try to talk to people that are working there/ have worked there and ask them direct questions about the work environment and supervisor and don't be too trusting (if they want to recruit you they will promise you anything... even if it is not true). Sorry, not sure this was called for. I am feeling a little protective at this point of anyone wanting to embark on a PhD due to the experience I am having currently. 

Cologne is nice- I have been there twice as they have the best hiking store ever! Highly recommend going there if you are ever in the region- the store has 5 floors and it is the hiker's paradise- it even has a whole section with hiking books and guides. Cologne is a very nice city too, but I have to admit that mum and I traveled there specifically to get hiking gear. 

I don't actually have family in Germany. I moved to Germany purely because I wanted to research a very particular area for my PhD and there are only very few labs in the world doing this kind of research. So I was very pleased when I had the opportunity to join this lab. I do miss living in the UK - I was in Cambridge for 5 years and I loved it there - it is such a beautiful place and it is much easier to fit in there. Cambridge is a bubble. Maybe I would grow to like it here as well with time (I haven't had time to really explore and I do struggle to deal with change). I don't think I would ever like it as much as Cambridge though- Cambridge is very special. 

It's great that you get on so well with your son! I also didn't have friends while at school and it really helped me to have my mum as a friend. I am very happy Mum and I get along so well and that we made it through this difficult period.

The reason our relationship became difficult is that a few years ago I started struggling more with mental health. At the same time my Mum was also having a difficult time. I was quite dependent on her for a lot of things including emotional support and we confided in each other about a lot of our problems, which in the past had been positive. However at some point, it just got very difficult with us pulling each other down rather than up (Also as I got older, mum was less able to 'fix' my problems which caused some frustration- which really wasn't fair from my side as mum was doing all she could to help.). It was quite tough and we ended up having to take some distance from each other, but now we have grown together again- possibly in a more adult way. 

That’s so interesting. 2 years is a long time - that must have been so frustrating for you. I do find though that as long as I can get out into beautiful natural places that is the main thing - even if the terrain is less steep/mountainous. I’ve learnt to appreciate more subtle landscapes recently - such as Suffolk where there is a lot of heathland and marsh with different kinds of bird life. It has its own kind of beauty. 
I like the sound of the DofE survival trip to Skye - it’s very exciting to do that. I love those Ray Mears programmes where he teaches how to make fire and cook outside etc - I just love those things. But at th3 same time it’s also so good to find a shop and buy cake! 

I once stepped on the ground in Luxembourg out of a coach and got back in the coach about half and hour later - that was my only experience of Luxembourg sadly? Are you enjoying living in Germany? The only place I’ve been to in Germany was Cologne (changing train) - I was so impressed by the cathedral there. 
my eldest son is like you - looking to do a PHD but not sure if it will happen. He’s living abroad at the moment because his girlfriend is doing a Master’s abroad.

Do you know people in Germany? Is that why you want to study there? Or did you just feel like exploring another country? 
The U.K. is lovely but it certainly has a lot of problems at the moment. I didn’t want us to leave the EU and feel really sad that that happened. I prefer less barriers between countries - not more. 

What you say about your relationship with your Mother - my youngest son and I are really close and we are great friends too. In a way I can see your point about co-dependence - me and my son support each other a lot and I suppose there are inevitably some complicated aspects to that that could be negative. My son has struggled to make friends due to having Selective Mutism in Educational settings which has been really difficult to him, so I think that has meant that we spend more time together. We really enjoy each other’s company though so we are very fortunate. One day he will move out and get his own place - and we often talk about that and how we will enjoy visiting each other and meeting up for lunch etc. We’re so lucky to get on so well.