Making friends online

Hi Kate,  It's not what you're looking form and i wouldn't recommend it, especially for a woman, but i did PoF online dating for a long time. One of the friends i talk to, we only ever met in real life once. She didn't drive and i don't like driving, and we lived over 100mls from eachother. After initial emails we moved onto Skype. But what she did to make purely online friends was, joined a scrabble forum. She told me everyone put themselves into a group.......... good; bad; and rubbish. So you were playing someone similar to yourself. It meant you'd be playing the same person over and over again, and maybe become friends.

I play video games fifa, destiny and elden ring and siege 

Hi! I'm turning 25 on Sunday. Which games do you like? Boardgames? 

hello everyone I hope you're all having a good day I'm callum i'm 25 and i like superheroes, comics, games and tennis and drawing 

Hi, Sorry for the late reply, I've only just seen your reply. 

Yes, please share the comments on PhDs with your son if you think it might be helpful from him. I wanted to share to avoid other people getting into a similar situation to me- it is so easy to be taken advantage of if (like me) you are passionate about your subject and get hyperfocused on the research/project aspect of it to the exclusion of other things. 

I've only been to Oxford once, but like you say studying there probably has a lot of similarities to studying in Cambridge- Did your son enjoy studying in Oxford? 

Cambridge is such a nice place to visit :). Aromi is nice :), I love their ice cream. Mum and I actually ate there when we first went to Cambridge for my interview. I also really love the market and the food on the market in Cambridge (especially the baked goods). 

Yes, I know Open Air- they were always super friendly and had great equipment. Unfortunately, the last I saw was that they are closing permanently, which is sad. I suspect it might be due to the pandemic. 

Are there any particular camping gear websites and youtube reviewers that you like looking at? In the past I've mainly researched gear when I was planning to replace/buy a piece of kit, but looking at gear could be a fun activity- it would allow me to dream about future trips. 

I'm really glad my Mum and I understand each other so well- we are very alike and like you say, I think that can be a huge advantage. My dad is very different - I don't have that much of a relationship with him, partly because my parents divorced when I was young, but probably also because we are quite different. It is very hard for him to understand the struggles I am facing- He can just "switch off" any circular thoughts and any stress and anxiety... he doesn't understand that not everyone can simply decide to switch on "relaxed mode" and not worry about everything... So he struggles to understand why I am finding it so hard to cope and he does get frustrated with me and can (usually without meaning to) make some hurtful comments.

I'm glad that your son is enjoying his time abroad! I hope he manages to sort out the paperwork soon!! 

I really enjoy talking to you too!! 

Yes - they’re on Twitter - though they’re not that keen on it. They have a small group of close  friends online that they’re really close to though and it’s a very supportive and neurodiverse group. 

Hi Rosie, 

For a long time I was obsessed with reading everything by and about the Brontes, and I loved Thomas Hardy. Recently I’ve been reading a more biographies/autobiographies - currently one about Sandy Denny and one by Diana Athill (from reading it I don’t like her very much I must confess!). She said something so horrible in it about someone committing suicide being ‘weak’ that I’m not going to keep reading it as it made me so angry that she said that! I just listened to an audiobook to quite a ‘light read’ book called ‘The Familiars’ and it was quite nice to read a less heavy book - as my anxiety has been so bad recently that I just wanted to be read a story - like a bed time story really.  It’s quite relaxing. I might get another audiobook like that - not too taxing - to listen to at night. 
have you read anything really good recently?

I really like that idea about ‘if someone came round your house…’ etc - that’s a good way to look at it. In Buddhism they teach that  kindness is hugely important and that includes being kind to yourself. Also your idea creates some distance between the person worrying and their worrying thoughts - rather than being completely overwhelmed by them and immersed in them. 
I hope your drawing does well. I love buying new art materials. I think you’re right that creative projects can be all sorts of things - even clearing up your house and tidying and rearranging things is a creative project. I might do some writing as you suggest - I have a lovely new Paperblanks notebook that I could use. 
I love The Detectorists too - i just sort of drift away when I’m watching it into a lovely feeling of contentment, I’d watch anything with Toby Jones in as I think he’s amazing. We once went to see him reading John Clare poems at an event in Oxford and he had the whole audience completely transfixed. I like ‘Ghosts’ too because it’s gentle and kind of innocent and old fashioned in a way. I also like older Alan Partridge series - and Motherland. I also love Reeves and Mortimer. Bob Mortimer’s autobiography is really good - I had no idea he’d suffered so much with depression and social anxiety. So surprising. 

Is your eldest on twitter? Good place to find autistic people talking about autism, but will also find non-binary autistic people (and non-autistics of course).  Neurodiversity is diverse in many many ways, good to see.

What you say about doing a PHD is really interesting. My eldest (who is non-binary by the way in case you wonder why I keep describing them as ‘my eldest’ in that slightly odd way!) does have some concerns about it. He has a couple of friends who have had really bad experiences doing a PHD too. There are lots of downsides like you say - or can be anyway . Also there’s the financial pressure as there’s not much funding in my eldest’s field of study. if you don’t mind I’ll share your comments on this subject with him - I’m sure he’ll find them helpful. 
So you studied at Cambridge?! My eldest did their first degree at Oxford. I imagine there are a lot of similarities - Oxford is a bit of a bubble too. Also I think those really good University’s tend to have a slightly higher proportion of autistic students who are experts in their subject. Like you say about Cambridge  - it’s a very special place to study and to live. Before the pandemic we used to visit Cambridge a lot as we love it so much. It has such a great atmosphere - it’s a bit more ‘cosy’ than Oxford I always think. We love the Fitzwilliam Museum and Kettles Yard. Lots of nice places to eat - we like the little Italian Cafe called Aromi. The architecture is so beautiful too. Most of all though we like just meandering about. I’m not surprised you miss it - I miss it too. Did you use the little Outdoor shop called Open Air? I like that shop. 

I love hiking equipment stores too - I love finding really small, lightweight kit - it’s a bit of a weakness of mine. I don’t actually do that much camping or hiking at the moment due to the pandemic (mainly just local walks) but I still spend plenty of time looking at camping kit etc online, and those videos on YouTube where people review camping gear. I find it really interesting to see how other people have little tricks to make camping more comfortable etc. 

I can relate to what you say about your relationship with your Mother. My son and I are both struggling at the moment - we support each other and have so many similarities- but I sometimes think that it would be better for my son to have a Mother who was not autistic - and who was super capable and neurotypical and stronger than I am. However my Mother was more like that and it wasn’t very good - because she couldn’t understand me and was often very critical of me for my (what she saw as) ‘weaknesses’. Both my parents saw me as ‘too sensitive’, or ‘making a fuss about nothing’ if I was anxious or scared etc. So overall I think it’s better to have a parent who understands you and empathises with you - even if you are both sometimes vulnerable and struggling. I felt so alone having parents who didn’t understand me. 

I think you show huge courage moving to Germany on your own and not knowing anyone there - that’s really impressive. You must really love your subject to do that. I hope that the job you are doing has met your expectations? My eldest and their girlfriend moved abroad last year as she went abroad to do a Master's - they’re really enjoying the adventure of living in another country. I’m so glad they are doing it - as my son finds things challenging too - so it was a big deal for him. It’s working out well though - about from the fact that getting the paperwork for him to work there has been a nightmare and he still hasn’t got it sorted so that he can work there. He’s running out of money so it’s getting difficult for him - however he doesn’t regret going, he really likes it there and they are really enjoying the experience. 

it’s good to do these things isn’t it? It’s so easy to hold back from big changes like that. I wish I had been more adventurous in my life. I hope to be braver in future - once the pandemic is less of an issue and when I’m feeling a bit more robust. It’s good to change things in your life, and to take risks sometimes. Things usually work out. 

it’s so nice talking with you! I’m really glad I joined this - it’s been so interesting and has helped me get out of that ‘groove’  of worrying all day long which I tend to do at the moment.

I hope your son finds a nice place to do a PhD, if he decides that is what he wants! It's so important to find a supportive environment for the PhD- I have learnt the hard way not to be too trusting- maybe I am a bit paranoid now, but you have to be so careful- it is so easy to be exploited and taken advantage of (I do make it very easy for people to do this as I get hyperfocused and enthusiastic about the research and want to please). My advice is to make sure you have things in writing (especially if not applying for formal programs), never start working without a contract (if it is somewhere where you are meant to be an employee during PhD), try to talk to people that are working there/ have worked there and ask them direct questions about the work environment and supervisor and don't be too trusting (if they want to recruit you they will promise you anything... even if it is not true). Sorry, not sure this was called for. I am feeling a little protective at this point of anyone wanting to embark on a PhD due to the experience I am having currently. 

Cologne is nice- I have been there twice as they have the best hiking store ever! Highly recommend going there if you are ever in the region- the store has 5 floors and it is the hiker's paradise- it even has a whole section with hiking books and guides. Cologne is a very nice city too, but I have to admit that mum and I traveled there specifically to get hiking gear. 

I don't actually have family in Germany. I moved to Germany purely because I wanted to research a very particular area for my PhD and there are only very few labs in the world doing this kind of research. So I was very pleased when I had the opportunity to join this lab. I do miss living in the UK - I was in Cambridge for 5 years and I loved it there - it is such a beautiful place and it is much easier to fit in there. Cambridge is a bubble. Maybe I would grow to like it here as well with time (I haven't had time to really explore and I do struggle to deal with change). I don't think I would ever like it as much as Cambridge though- Cambridge is very special. 

It's great that you get on so well with your son! I also didn't have friends while at school and it really helped me to have my mum as a friend. I am very happy Mum and I get along so well and that we made it through this difficult period.

The reason our relationship became difficult is that a few years ago I started struggling more with mental health. At the same time my Mum was also having a difficult time. I was quite dependent on her for a lot of things including emotional support and we confided in each other about a lot of our problems, which in the past had been positive. However at some point, it just got very difficult with us pulling each other down rather than up (Also as I got older, mum was less able to 'fix' my problems which caused some frustration- which really wasn't fair from my side as mum was doing all she could to help.). It was quite tough and we ended up having to take some distance from each other, but now we have grown together again- possibly in a more adult way. 

That’s so interesting. 2 years is a long time - that must have been so frustrating for you. I do find though that as long as I can get out into beautiful natural places that is the main thing - even if the terrain is less steep/mountainous. I’ve learnt to appreciate more subtle landscapes recently - such as Suffolk where there is a lot of heathland and marsh with different kinds of bird life. It has its own kind of beauty. 
I like the sound of the DofE survival trip to Skye - it’s very exciting to do that. I love those Ray Mears programmes where he teaches how to make fire and cook outside etc - I just love those things. But at th3 same time it’s also so good to find a shop and buy cake! 

I once stepped on the ground in Luxembourg out of a coach and got back in the coach about half and hour later - that was my only experience of Luxembourg sadly? Are you enjoying living in Germany? The only place I’ve been to in Germany was Cologne (changing train) - I was so impressed by the cathedral there. 
my eldest son is like you - looking to do a PHD but not sure if it will happen. He’s living abroad at the moment because his girlfriend is doing a Master’s abroad.

Do you know people in Germany? Is that why you want to study there? Or did you just feel like exploring another country? 
The U.K. is lovely but it certainly has a lot of problems at the moment. I didn’t want us to leave the EU and feel really sad that that happened. I prefer less barriers between countries - not more. 

What you say about your relationship with your Mother - my youngest son and I are really close and we are great friends too. In a way I can see your point about co-dependence - me and my son support each other a lot and I suppose there are inevitably some complicated aspects to that that could be negative. My son has struggled to make friends due to having Selective Mutism in Educational settings which has been really difficult to him, so I think that has meant that we spend more time together. We really enjoy each other’s company though so we are very fortunate. One day he will move out and get his own place - and we often talk about that and how we will enjoy visiting each other and meeting up for lunch etc. We’re so lucky to get on so well.

Autism burnout is not really surprising considering that life is challenging for anyone as it is, and then you  autism impacts.  Stress and anxiety alone is not good for our brains and bodies.

You can't control life, or whats happening in the world, but you can work on controlling how you think about these things.  Its not what happens, its how we react.

Its important to have breaks from thoughts and worries - if someone you knew came around to chat and was reeling off bad thoughts and worries for ages, you probably would want to reassure then, help them feel better, think better about things.  So, you can reassure yourself, be your own life coach.

Chris Packham is a great example, he is attacked in many ways for his drive to protect wildlife, and yet he bounces it all off and carries on.  It really helps to move from 'i am surviving' and towards 'i am coping'.

I like different kinds of electronic music but favourite is trance and similar - during lockdown I got into deep house (and melodic house) which is slower and calmer and that turned out to be good for my brain.  Music helps me think less, I start analysing the notes and patterns and layers, how they put the track together, its good.  What music are you into?

Shame the burnout is affecting your art, because doing creative things is good for the brain, maybe for now just write down or sketch ideas that come to you, or work on something for short periods now and then.  Not art, but I decorated the hallway last year it bits and pieces, as and when I felt I could do it.

I'm going to order some sketching pencils because painting requires more effort, mixing the right colours and applying it carefully and in the right order etc., so for now I can just sketch for fun/therapy or prepare something bigger that I can put watercolours when feeling more like doing that.

The last comedy series I really enjoyed was 'Dont forget the driver' which was following the life of a coach driver, from the dullness of everyday life to comical and ridiculous things that life that throw up.  Before that, 'The Detectorists' also with Toby Jones, he's great. Its similar in that there is dullness of normal life but the eternal hope of finding buried treasure and be rich and sorted in life.

Things can improve, but you can also improve things.

I'm sorry that your health is not good. I know how hard this is and I really hope you keep becoming stronger! I was also very fit before I started having health issues- I used to do a lot of running and hiking (loved all kinds of outdoor activities and exercise), but it has been over 2 years now that I haven't been able to do these things. At this point I can go for 1 hour walks on flat terrain, which is better than nothing but I am hoping that eventually I will be able to regain my strength. 

I hope you manage to do some more travelling eventually. I would definitely recommend Corsica (though I am a bit biased and also very obsessed with Corsica). There is some reasonably priced accomodation in Corsica, but getting there can be a bit of a challenge. 

Isle of Skye is so nice, though I find it hard to imagine biking there- I don't remember there being many paths... ? It must be adventurous on a bike there! When I was there it was for DofE and we were meant to be self-sufficient in terms of food... though I had no idea what I was doing and hadn't really packed enough food... I remember we were so happy when we came accross a village and managed to restock.

I am from Luxembourg, however I studied in the UK for the past five years. I moved to Germany in September however I miss the UK so much. There is a lot of uncertainty for me and I had thought I would stay in Germany for 3-4 years for my PhD. However, this might not happen and I am considering moving back to the UK. If I do, I am determined to make more time for walking and exploring nature. 

Yes, my mum and I understand each other extremely well (best friends in a way). We were always very close though we did have to take some distance from each other a year ago as our relationship had become very codependent (in a way that was negative for both of us)- however we are growing closer again now and I am sure we would make great Everest base camp hiking buddies. 

We went to Skye on our honeymoon - camping and cycling. Maybe not the best place for cycle touring as we found the gaps between shops selling tasty, energy providing snacks too far! Corsica is not really a place I’ve ever considered - i will have a look at that, it sounds wonderful. Your other adventures too sound really exciting and challenging - how wonderful. Are you not in the U.K. now then? You only came here to study?

im sorry that your health is not good - I can relate to that. I was seriously ill late last year and am still recovering. It takes a lot of adjusting to doesn’t it? I was very fit and healthy before and it has been a shock to me to have health issues. I can go on long walks in flat or rolling countryside but wouldn’t attempt anything really strenuous like a mountain at the moment - and not sure if I will ever be able to do what I used to do. I’m just grateful to be alive to be honest though - and to be able to still get out into nature. I love walking in the woods - it’s so beautiful and I feel it truly has healing properties, 

ive not travelled abroad a huge amount as I’m an artist so my income is not high. I went inter-railing all around Europe which was great, and on other occasions travelled to Switzerland, Venice, Paris and Barcelona,  I’d love to travel more in the future if I can. We are saving though to move to another area of the country so have to be very careful with any money we can save. 

Everest Base Camp does look incredible - I would love to go there too. The light there - the atmosphere - it just looks wonderful. I can see why your Mother would be attracted to that. It’s great that you get on so well with her that you could enjoy such a trip together - I think if I had gone on holiday with my mother it would not have gone well! We are very different personality wise! 

Cornwall is so wonderful - I hope you manage to get there. It’s pretty hard not to love the Cornish coast to be honest! 

The caravan trips sound amazing! Camping away from campsites can be so nice :). I've only done that once on the Isle of Skye but I really liked being free to stop and camp almost anywhere (and the remoteness was great :)). 

My family wasn't into hiking but I absolutely fell in love with it. One of my favourite places for hiking is Corsica- We used to go there on family vacations (no hiking though) and in recent years I have been there for hiking several times- the landscapes are stunning and very varied. I did the GR20 in Corsica which is a quite a challenging, very remote long-distance trail where you go hut to hut- I think I had some of the best weeks of my life while hiking the GR20. I highly recommend Corsica and there are plenty of other nice trails and day tours there, if you are not seeking the adventure of the GR20 (it is definitely a tough one and though I did see some children on it, I am not sure it is the safest for a family holiday). Corsica can be quite warm though, though in the early hours and higher up it can be better (and there are swimming options often). 

The other trip that I did abroad was the tour du Mont Blanc in the Alps- also amazing and lots of fun as you go through Switzerland, Italy and France. 

Unfortunately, I never got around to doing much hiking in the UK while I was there at university... which is something I really want to catch up- I will put North Cornwall on my huge list of hikes and hiking destinations that I want to do. 

I have been injured for over 2 years now though unfortunately and my health at this point is poor- I really hope that I will eventually be fit again so that I can go hiking again. 

Have you done much hiking abroad? 

Regarding the Himalayas my mum has a dream of hiking to Everest base camp. Not sure if this will ever happen (financially and fitness wise), but she has promised that I can join her if she does go. 

Yes - If I had the funds (and the energy) to travel anywhere I’d travel to the Himalayas - it looks stunning. I love the landscape, the wildness of it, the culture and the climate. I’m not great with really hot temperatures - I prefer a fresher, cooler climate.  I like watching programmes and YouTube videos about travel in Tibet. 
Like you I’ve always been drawn to mountains. When I was a child my parents used to take us on family holidays to the Lake District and Scotland in a little caravan and we used to stop in very wild places - often not on campsites but in more deserted places. In more recent years though with my own family we have been exploring Cornwall which we really love - especially North Cornwall where it’s more rocky and wild. 
Have you done much hiking abroad? 

 A development neuroscientist? That sounds incredibly impressive! My eldest wants to do a PHD but has struggled to get a place - I think he’s considering trying again this year. His field is politics though and I imagine that there are more opportunities for PHD study in Science? 
being a Hiking Guide would be a wonderful life wouldn’t it? I love the idea of that. We used to holiday a lot in the Lake District and loved hiking - it’s so beautiful there. We’ve always camped on our holidays and sometimes it’s quite wild (weather wise and in other ways) and I love that feeling of surviving outside and being fully immersed in Nature. I love having a fire outside and cooking outside. I like that idea of having everything you need with you and you can go anywhere and be free. I really like finding great camping kit and one of my interests is researching that. I can spend hours trying to research something like the perfect lightweight camping chair! 
I’m sorry that you’ve been injured - does it stop you from hiking altogether? 

Hi :) 

Thanks. It’s difficult isn’t it? I wish there was a simple solution to it I really do - like a tablet I could take that would get rid of my anxiety. I’m struggling at the moment to find ways of reducing it. Do you have any good strategies that work for you? 
Re. The literature - in the past I’ve been very into things like Thomas Hardy and the Brontes. Recently I’ve been reading Jean Rhys and also I find biographies good when my anxiety makes focusing on a novel a bit difficult  I like poetry such as Emily Dickinson and poetry anthologies. Because my anxiety is so bad at the moment I’m trying audiobooks as they are easier to focus on. I’ve just ‘read’ the Bob Mortimer autobiography which was really interesting - and a book called ‘The Familiars’ by Stacey Halls which is set around the time of the Pendle witch trials. 
Have you read anything good recently?

Yes - I’d say that I need nature too - need is the right word. So many times when I’m really struggling to cope with life it’s getting out into nature that helps me. Like you I’m currently experiencing autistic burnout - my son is too. We are only just managing to survive at the moment - things have got overwhelming for us due to various life events and the pandemic. Like you the autistic burnout has meant that I’ve not been very productive of late - including with my art. I’m finding it difficult to concentrate and focus on things at the moment due to a lot of anxiety.  In the past though I’ve produced a lot of work and sold lots of paintings - I’m hoping to get back to doing that again when I’m feeling less mentally exhausted.
I have loads of respect for Chris Packham too - I’ve been so shocked at all the harassment he’s experienced for basically just caring about animals and protecting the countryside. 
I’m clueless with computers and electronic stuff, What kind of electronic music do you like? 
The self- development thing - I also try to work on this. I find life very difficult and try to understand why that  is and how I can try to cope better. I’m not doing great at the moment though and am running out of ideas. The things I usually rely on to ‘centre’ myself and keep me contented and calm (like my painting) aren’t really working at the moment as I’m so stressed all the time. Hopefully things will improve soon. 
What comedy programmes do you like?