Anybody game for a chat?

Eyup Stephen, I'm Dan, from Rotherham, South Yorkshire.  I'm 45 and also not horrible lol.

What do you want to talk about?  A general rant or something specific - you say you're full of hate.  Do you want to talk about that?

Hate.. it’s a strong word. I’ve no idea, some reason or another I gave an album ‘way of the fist’ as background music a try. It was all new to me and pulled me right in. It’s my life all over. 

im trapped. My partners phone is FULL of nude selfies.. I found a pregnancy test behind the washing machine. She’s cheated on me around 10 times in 7yrs.. I’m consistently trying to kill myself because I have nobody and every girl I’ve met cheats on me! No lie! I self harm. My partner hates me something rotten and nobody will help me unless I cry wolf… but then the kids suffer (3 aint mine but know no different) my youngest was dna tested.. 99.9% mine.. I’m full of hate. I hung myself on Christmas Day and couldn’t even get that right twice! All I ended up with is knowing how simple it is and a bruise necklace. I self harm a lot. I currently have a smashed right hand and wrist and a lot of hateful words scarred into my skin. 

I love hate. 

sorry dude… I’ve been crying for help since Boxing Day. But like I said.. either destroy the only thing I have or suffer.. welcome to my hate

Hate.. it’s a strong word. I’ve no idea, some reason or another I gave an album ‘way of the fist’ as background music a try. It was all new to me and pulled me right in. It’s my life all over. 

im trapped. My partners phone is FULL of nude selfies.. I found a pregnancy test behind the washing machine. She’s cheated on me around 10 times in 7yrs.. I’m consistently trying to kill myself because I have nobody and every girl I’ve met cheats on me! No lie! I self harm. My partner hates me something rotten and nobody will help me unless I cry wolf… but then the kids suffer (3 aint mine but know no different) my youngest was dna tested.. 99.9% mine.. I’m full of hate. I hung myself on Christmas Day and couldn’t even get that right twice! All I ended up with is knowing how simple it is and a bruise necklace. I self harm a lot. I currently have a smashed right hand and wrist and a lot of hateful words scarred into my skin. 

I love hate. 

sorry dude… I’ve been crying for help since Boxing Day. But like I said.. either destroy the only thing I have or suffer.. welcome to my hate

It makes my blood boil to see cases like yours. The system is overloaded with emergency cases. So many James Blunts in this world. 

Hmmm I took an overdose in Aug 21, the Samaritans made me feel like I should take it even more. They ignored me with script responses.

im still waiting for MIND to respond. I’ve been ignored from day 1.. I email them every couple of months.. just a donotreply email acknowledgment.

shout?? Never texted back. I checked the number a few times. Yep, never text back.

111 goto A&E.. 

you goto A&E and get asked where your broken leg is, you know A&E is for acute problems.. arrowe park hospital! 

GP, I tried to kill myself last night, ok, I can make you an appointment in 3 weeks.

white chapel. I make a domestic abuse cry for help. But they want to come for a meeting at my house. What the duck.

the police, because I don’t want to press chargers on the only person I have, my kids mum.. I’m wasting there time, they’re not mediators.

social services. I had a needs assessment,. I was then sign posted. When the police was involved social services got in touch again and confirmed I’m waiting to be sign posted. A few weeks later I cry for help through email to the assessment lady, a different person called me and denied me have an assessment, just large amount of notes.. I have a job, I have kids and don’t receive pip. Therefore I’m capable.

the only person who may care is my kids social worker.. but unfortunately her voice alone isn’t enough. 

this is why I wish I was dead.

Hello Stephen,

I’m sorry you are going through such a tough time, it’s good that you’ve let us know what’s happening/how you have been feeling. Many people have similar thoughts when coping with so much and we hope you’re okay.  

If you are unable to cope with the distress or despair, it’s very important to tell someone about your feelings or thoughts of suicide. Call your GP and make an urgent appointment. Your GP can make sure you get appropriate help and support. 

If it’s outside your GP hours call  111 to reach the NHS 111 service: 

https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/urgent-and-emergency-care-services/when-to-use-111/ 

The Samaritans also provide confidential non-judgemental emotional support, 24 hours a day on 116 123, or by email on jo@samaritans.org. 

MIND have information pages on coping with self harm or suicidal feelings based on the experiences of people who’ve been through it that you may find helpful.  

If you are very close to doing something to hurt yourself - call 999 now or go to your nearest A&E department. There should be someone there to support you and make sure you get ongoing support. 

You can find more information here: 

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/suicide 

All the best,

ChloeMod

Nice.  I did look at the Abarth 595 when I was choosing my current car, but it wouldn't have been practical for me as I use a wheelchair and have various other items of equipment I have to carry around with me, and although it would be fun, I really couldn't get it all in. 

I chose the Seat Arona instead and it's ok, I've the top-of-the-range model, the Xcellence Lux with the Beats sound system in, but I wouldn't class it as a top-of-the-range car really.  I also had a Toyota Corolla up until about 2 weeks ago when I had an accident on a country road in Scotland in the dark.  There was a bull just standing in the road on a bend.  Braked hard but the bull and the car got written off.  Apparently, I was lucky to get out of the car alive.

When I was younger I was into modifying cars, mainly Vauxhall Vectras, but as I got older and more disabled I couldn't do that.  Nothing weird about it.

I feel angry that a promising young man could get so tortured mentally.

I've come to accept that good men get taken advantage of, then get sucked into the Rabbit Hole. 

Me too,. I love a drive.. but that contradicts me being ill… it’s a ducked up world. 
I have a Abarth 500 hitting about 200bhp.. I drive in silence listing to that. I also have a zafira that’s on adjustable sports suspension and super low.. oh my I’m weird 

Oh right, no problem.  When I'm feeling down I tend to go out for a drive and put that song on repeat really loud and by the time I've heard it a few times I feel better.

I know your situation is way more severe than mine but I'm just trying to help out in the best way I know - music.

But if we’re going linkin park,. ‘From the inside’ or ‘the session’ for me, Ste

Yeh man. Thanks for the link

Me?  

You’re amazing! Please smile

OK, I've just watched the 6 minute version of the official video for that song and I'd counter it with this one:youtu.be/Tm8LGxTLtQk 

Slipknot - snuff

You can change your GP if you don't feel supported by your current one.

Your mum still loves you despite what might have been said or done in the past, in both directions.  I don't know obviously but mums never stop loving their kids.  That love is unconditional, meaning that whatever has gone on between you she's gonna love you regardless.  It's not a case of "putting up" with you.

An age gap of 12 years isn't anything when people are in their 60s and 70s perhaps but at 39 and 27 you are at different places in life.  I'd guess you're into settling down with a family, commitment and dedication whereas she'll be more into partying and extra-curricular sex etc.  Again I'm just going on what you've said so I apologise if I'm wrong.  I figured out she's quite a bit younger than you though 

It sounds like the social worker could be a great source of support for you as well as your children.  I wonder if perhaps you could speak with the social worker in private some time?  Let them know what's going on?  I'm not sure if that's allowed or how all that stuff works, but it looks as though they could be helpful.

Thanks for the reply. My GP doesn’t give a *** about me, Ste. 
I have nobody. I have a mother, but she’s put up with me for years on end.. like I say, every girl cheated.

yes I’m 39, she’s 27.. well done  

im upstairs pacing the bedroom, she’s outside getting super stoned. Because we’re not friends. 

I think my childrens social worker knows the truth, she is trying to help me more than anybody ever has. 

Hey Stephen, first off I'm going to say something that you probably already know and is difficult to accept, but your partner isn't a true partner in terms of commitment, fidelity, and integrity.  10 times cheating in 7 years and a phone of nude selfies (unless she sends them to you) shows that she doesn't hold your relationship high in importance.

You need to get out of that situation and possibly get professional help, starting with your GP.  Tell them how you've described it here and what it does to your mental health.  From the sound of it you need to do this sooner rather than later.  I know that leaving is difficult with the children, at least one of which you know is yours, but that can be sorted out later.  Right now your priority needs to be staying alive and there's help available from all sorts of places, Samaritans and crisis teams in addition to what your GP can arrange for you.

You've already tried to end your life at least twice so I'd class your case as an emergency to be honest.

Sending your mum that video is disgusting and she sounds quite childish.  I'm guessing there's a large age gap between you, with her being younger?  I could be wrong, just the feeling I'm getting from what you've said.

Hands and feet soaking?  Are you outside presently?  Can you perhaps get to your mum's place?