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Big void

NAS73993

My partner has recently found out she has Autism. This has explained so much about our relationship. Ive felt like I’ve continuously tried to keep our relationship going, I’m always the one picking her up when she has ‘meltdowns’ but one the odd occasion when I needed support she struggled to be there for me. Is this common? Does anyone have any advice as to why and how we overcome this? 
We love each other very much, I am very patient and have tried to research what I can to support her. But sometimes (not often) I need a little helping hand and a little love. 
Do I just accept that I won’t get it? Do I spend my entire life just getting a small fraction of what I need? 
I’m at a loss because I want to be the perfect partner to her without losing myself in the process. 
Is it possible to have a healthy happy relationship with someone on the spectrum? 

im sorry if this sounds like I’m moaning but I’m so lost Disappointed 

  • Have Notebook ready and write her a Note when u need support and hand it to her with exactly what she should do.

    I know that sounds very crude but i would say she does miss your needs and you need to signal it somehow. 

    but dont expect too much initially its a slow process

    OR

    create a signal  that means i want support. eg a hand signal

    eg makathon  www.youtube.com/watch

  • It could be worth-while to seek a professional therapist to help you sort out why she's having meltdowns and why you feel she's not there for you. You must be staying in the relationship for a reason. 

    I have often found it's the dysfunctions keeping a relationship functional. Oddly. My oddities and complexities work well with a partners issues and complications. For instance, if it makes you feel like a hero to always be rescuing her, it may not be to your benefit for her to redesign her life so she's not so incredibly overwhelmed and breaking down so often. But then, maybe it also makes her happy for you to be her White Knight? Perhaps you'll have to create this in ways that aren't as draining.

    You may want to ask her direct how she expresses actions of love. I had a friend go through a course with her husband on something called love languages - everyone expresses it different. And the idea that we don't 'lose ourselves' is phantasy. We invest in others we are attracted to. We desire to be another's desire. And for that, we give up something to get something else. You can be the best of yourself for her, but not perfect. And to that extent, you should both be able to co-ordinate personal time to regroup or catch up on alone time if needed. Many individuals here might agree that being with someone who's autistic should actually afford you more alone time than you might actually desire?

  • You would have to ask my wife that question, as I am the autistic one in our relationship. If you want constant demonstrations of love, you may be disappointed, as autistics tend not to be very demonstrative. We often view friendships and relationships as static, once they are formed, so do not understand the constant need for reaffirmations. It is also often the case that when we recognise that someone else is distressed or upset, empathy overwhelms us, and we can appear wooden and uncaring, when the exact opposite is true. On the plus side autistics tend to be very loyal, kind, honest and non-judgemental.

  • Hi,

    Not sure I can help much, but I've heard exactly the same but the other way round. I think expectations might play a big role in making it work long term.

    If you want a full bells and whistles neurotypical relationship, then maybe it's better for both of you to move on. 

    But if you can accept her for who she is, and not what you would like her to be then there's a path forward.

    My partner decided that she would try and create what she felt she needed outside the relationship, and this is destructive for everyone, so I'd suggest making your mind up sooner rather than later for everyone's sake.

    As I said, not sure this helps, but hopefully it'll give something to think about.