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Big void

NAS73993

My partner has recently found out she has Autism. This has explained so much about our relationship. Ive felt like I’ve continuously tried to keep our relationship going, I’m always the one picking her up when she has ‘meltdowns’ but one the odd occasion when I needed support she struggled to be there for me. Is this common? Does anyone have any advice as to why and how we overcome this? 
We love each other very much, I am very patient and have tried to research what I can to support her. But sometimes (not often) I need a little helping hand and a little love. 
Do I just accept that I won’t get it? Do I spend my entire life just getting a small fraction of what I need? 
I’m at a loss because I want to be the perfect partner to her without losing myself in the process. 
Is it possible to have a healthy happy relationship with someone on the spectrum? 

im sorry if this sounds like I’m moaning but I’m so lost Disappointed 

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  • It could be worth-while to seek a professional therapist to help you sort out why she's having meltdowns and why you feel she's not there for you. You must be staying in the relationship for a reason. 

    I have often found it's the dysfunctions keeping a relationship functional. Oddly. My oddities and complexities work well with a partners issues and complications. For instance, if it makes you feel like a hero to always be rescuing her, it may not be to your benefit for her to redesign her life so she's not so incredibly overwhelmed and breaking down so often. But then, maybe it also makes her happy for you to be her White Knight? Perhaps you'll have to create this in ways that aren't as draining.

    You may want to ask her direct how she expresses actions of love. I had a friend go through a course with her husband on something called love languages - everyone expresses it different. And the idea that we don't 'lose ourselves' is phantasy. We invest in others we are attracted to. We desire to be another's desire. And for that, we give up something to get something else. You can be the best of yourself for her, but not perfect. And to that extent, you should both be able to co-ordinate personal time to regroup or catch up on alone time if needed. Many individuals here might agree that being with someone who's autistic should actually afford you more alone time than you might actually desire?

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  • It could be worth-while to seek a professional therapist to help you sort out why she's having meltdowns and why you feel she's not there for you. You must be staying in the relationship for a reason. 

    I have often found it's the dysfunctions keeping a relationship functional. Oddly. My oddities and complexities work well with a partners issues and complications. For instance, if it makes you feel like a hero to always be rescuing her, it may not be to your benefit for her to redesign her life so she's not so incredibly overwhelmed and breaking down so often. But then, maybe it also makes her happy for you to be her White Knight? Perhaps you'll have to create this in ways that aren't as draining.

    You may want to ask her direct how she expresses actions of love. I had a friend go through a course with her husband on something called love languages - everyone expresses it different. And the idea that we don't 'lose ourselves' is phantasy. We invest in others we are attracted to. We desire to be another's desire. And for that, we give up something to get something else. You can be the best of yourself for her, but not perfect. And to that extent, you should both be able to co-ordinate personal time to regroup or catch up on alone time if needed. Many individuals here might agree that being with someone who's autistic should actually afford you more alone time than you might actually desire?

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