Hi everyone,
I'm Liv, I'm 16 and I have Asperger's. I have posted on this forum before but today was particularly bad. I get into these dire moods in which I cry and eat, and I was having one of these today. This is an ongoing problem...I feel like I'm all on my own.
I have never once in my life had a friend my own age and I find this hard to accept. I am fortunate in that my school are supportive and have set up a room for ASD children to go to at the more challenging social windows on the school timetable. These children are younger than me and their needs are far more severe than mine, and I am like an older sister/nurse/counsellor to them, but I see myself as a refugee who cannot be picky about where she goes because a large proportion of that school is to me like a death trap.
Sometimes it is wearing to smile for these children all the time and present myself as someone who relishes socialising and living for others when I feel I am cold-hearted, selfish and disengaged. That said, sometimes putting on a positive front for them is therapeutic for me - I am by nature a pessimist, so by losing myself in helping the children I temporarily forget to pity myself and my situation. This is a good thing as I know wallowing never got anyone anywhere.
I also enjoy adult company. I have some very kind adult confidantes who often take me out for coffee and cake and lend me books, but I often feel like I am a burden to them - adults would surely sooner be spending time doing constructive things or talking to their adult friends. Even though they promise they do enjoy spending time with me, I still feel incredibly lonely when I look at other teenage girls - even my own sister who is 13 - and I see how much affection they obtain from their friends when they are unhappy or want someone to talk to.
Speaking of teenage girls, none of them understand me the way they effortlessly understand each other. Girls at school often call me "annoying" and "weird" and "ugly" and an "attention seeker". Over the academic years, it feels as though I have been called every name under the sun, but "attention seeker" is still the one which hurts me the most. Why would I crave the attention I get? It only causes trouble and makes me crushingly unhappy.
Even the kinder girls patronise me or are brusque with me in a way they are only with the most irritating boy. Boys are vile to me too. It feels as though I was never meant to be a child. I hope some fellow Aspies will understand when I say that it is the subtle things which are the most difficult to not be a part of - the inside jokes and the way that people seem to flock together subconsciously and without effort. How come I have never been one of the million girls who can do that?
I'm sorry if I've bored or depressed anyone, but I feel a bit bored and depressed so it can't be helped.
Thank you for your time.