Feeling so lonely

I think whatever word one uses it's going to have the same scope for misinterpretation.

Maybe we need to use a different word other than 'superior'. While an A star student might have superior grades to an A grade student, it is a different thing entirely to think that the A star student has a superior intellect. I am not sure that you were suggesting this, Scorpian, but the problem with intellect is that it is multifaceted. People without Aspergers are more intelligent on a 'social' level, in so far as they can make friends easily, and can step into someone else's shoes. This is a form of intelligence, which we, by definition, lack.

Well, I was refering to specifically those of us with Asperger's, Hope, rather than the wider Autistic Spectrum.

And, my understanding is that one of the defining charcateristics of Asperger's is a "higher than average, but spiky, intelligence profile".

So by definition we are 'superior' to the average person.

But I don't mean to imply that we are any 'better' in any absolute, moral, sense of the word.

Just in the same sense that one might say an A* grade student is superior to an A grade student.

Thanks for the kind words about my intelligence Scorpian. I have enjoyed reading your posts too, and having some quite lively debates!.

Maybe we just have a different kind of intelligence than people who are not on the spectrum, not worse or better, just different. And our ability to focus at great length on areas that interest us invariably means that we are more likely to become very knowledgeable in certain areas. It is true that we tend to have a very uneven skills profile, excelling in some areas but doing very poorly in others: a hidden intelligence, if you like. None of us, in any case, have IQs below 70, so I understand that on the whole we are a fairly 'intelligent' group of people. Where I disagree is in thinking that this makes us superior to people who are not on the spectrum, and the idea that other forms of intelligence might be less worthy. Even on the spectrum our 'intelligence' levels vary enormously.

Liv said:

Hi, thank you so much for your reply. 

I'll be honest and admit that a lot of my vocabulary is down to my mother's incessant use of hyperbole in conversation and tagging along with rather cultured adults, not my actual intelligence, but thank you! I don't actually feel particularly intelligent - some subjects are a real struggle for me. There are some which I excel at but only when I can concentrate (concentration is a real issue for me, and this is another reason why school is difficult). 

You're right, in a lot of ways having Asperger's is a blessing. I don't envy many neurotypical girls my age who are at the centre of a particular friendship group, with all the squabbles and the drinking and the make-up and the posy photos on Facebook with the caption, "Oh, I'm so UGLY!" (These are the same girls who constantly accuse me of attention seeking!)

You're also right in that many of them will not live up to their potential because they are too busy endulging in such frivolity. However, what disappoints me slightly is that a lot of them will still do well. Just because you're a steady worker, it doesn't mean you can't be a ignorant, exclusive, vile witch. I try to believe in karma and think that one day they will realise how unfair they were, not just to me but to anyone else they may have judged to the point of isolation.

Thank you, I'll do what I can! I'm getting better at ignoring! (I think.) 

I can understand that you may not feel as intelligent as you are. And just being around cultured adults doesn't automatically enrich your vocabulary. For that you need the intelligence to both understand and learn to use the language you are hearing.

As I said in my post to Hope, above, we have a spiky intelligence profile, so it's normal for us to find some things hard, and other things easy. And we live in a society which makes out that it's some how wrong to be like that. But don't let that affect your self image.

I'm sure deep down you know the truth. You know you're more than others have made you feel you are. Find that truth and keep hold of it. Because with it you can do anything. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise (or at least, if they do, don't pay any attention to them).

Hope said:

Scorpion wrote: ''Having Aspergers is a blessing. By definition it means you are significantly more intelligent than most people''.

Aspergers might be a blessing for some people, but not for all. I wish that I did not have it because of all the anxiety it causes, however I accept that I cannot change the fact I have it, but can merely make the most of a bad situation. I am optimistic despite my difficulties, but I still wish I did not have them!

As for the bit about being more intelligent, what is intelligence anyway?. Not all people with AS are 'significantly more intelligent', and while it is true that many people with AS are very 'intelligent', so are many people without AS!. Where does AS 'intelligence' start and 'neurotypical intelligence' begin? Many of the so called geniuses who are alleged to have had AS, might have just been 'geniuses' and nothing more, ie very eccentric.

I am no more intelligent than many non AS people, and I would  not like to make assumptions.

''Because we are superior to them''. Are we really? We are all different, and some people with AS (I have met them) can be vindictive brats too. Having AS is no excuse for this!.

''We can reach amazing heights'': If only it were that easy.

Don't be down on yourself Hope!

Sure you have difficulties. So do all of us.

And, yes, I do believe we are 'superior' to the average NT, because it is a fact that the average person with AS is more intelligent than the average NT.

However, we usually don't have a 'smooth' intelligence profile - instead we're very good at some things, but very poor at others.

This is one of the defining characteristics of having Asperger's.

I can tell, just from having read your posts, that you're incredibly intelligent (you know a hell of a lot more about philosophy, and can use it to reason your point far better, than I, for example), and if you believe otherwise you're doing yourself a diservice.

I can understand why you might feel that way, though. We're often made to feel less than we are by the society that we live in. And struggling with sensory issues, for example, can knock our self confidence.

And, I'm not saying it's easy, but, if you believe in yourself, you too can reach those amazing heights I speak of!

Scorpion wrote: ''Having Aspergers is a blessing. By definition it means you are significantly more intelligent than most people''.

Aspergers might be a blessing for some people, but not for all. I wish that I did not have it because of all the anxiety it causes, however I accept that I cannot change the fact I have it, but can merely make the most of a bad situation. I am optimistic despite my difficulties, but I still wish I did not have them!

As for the bit about being more intelligent, what is intelligence anyway?. Not all people with AS are 'significantly more intelligent', and while it is true that many people with AS are very 'intelligent', so are many people without AS!. Where does AS 'intelligence' start and 'neurotypical intelligence' begin? Many of the so called geniuses who are alleged to have had AS, might have just been 'geniuses' and nothing more, ie very eccentric.

I am no more intelligent than many non AS people, and I would  not like to make assumptions.

''Because we are superior to them''. Are we really? We are all different, and some people with AS (I have met them) can be vindictive brats too. Having AS is no excuse for this!.

''We can reach amazing heights'': If only it were that easy.

Hi, thanks for your reply. 

I really like your idea of a list. Congratulations on achieving everything you wanted. The problem is, when it comes to relationships, I'm not sure whether I could cope with the ups and downs and the stress of maintaining them. So, even though I feel lonely...I'm quite a hypocrite in a way. I'm unhappy with my situation yet I'm frightened of changing it. And not only am I frightened, I'm lazy. I don't want to work at a friendship and do things that other girls do because it's hard work and it doesn't interest me.

However, I do want a degree, largely to prove to myself and those around me that I can survive the university experience - living away from home, etc. - not just for academic reasons and the doors it may open for jobs in the future. For a start, I don't even know what I want to do. I've thought about singing (I was very young then), writing books, journalism (too much competition; lots of people want that), speech and language therapy, mental health nursing (too much science). Of course it's normal at my age to feel like this; most people aren't sure what they want to do, however I have selected my A Levels. 

I think I'll make my own list. What do I want? To be able to concentrate and work productively. Good exam results due to this. A place at university. A degree. A decent job. A sense of peace with myself and my situation. A sense of being comfortable, on my own if that's the way I was designed to be, but I want the ability to be a good acquaintance. A way to leave behind my self-doubts and not be held back by labels or my past experiences.

Thank you very much for the idea. I'd never thought about doing that sort of thing before. 

liv,its very rare to find a real friend in life even if you dont have aspergers.most are very fickle and unreliable,your family are the ones that are important and matter the most and what they think and feel about you. 'friends' can rarely be relied on.most can hurt you in some way anyway and who wants that? you may have aspergers as does my son, but if you are anything like him you dont even know how to be nasty or vindictive,you will probably never hurt anyone intentionallly in all your life,how many parents can say that about their kids? most will do so during their lifetimes. those girls call you names as they are envious of the kind good person you are that they know they never will become.i will be happy if my son grows up to be as articulate and supportive to otherchildren as you.im not religious or anything but there are people on this earth who are masquerading as angels all of them have aspergers or autism.they are really very strong people.once you leave school things will change. 

Hi, thank you so much for your reply. 

I'll be honest and admit that a lot of my vocabulary is down to my mother's incessant use of hyperbole in conversation and tagging along with rather cultured adults, not my actual intelligence, but thank you! I don't actually feel particularly intelligent - some subjects are a real struggle for me. There are some which I excel at but only when I can concentrate (concentration is a real issue for me, and this is another reason why school is difficult). 

You're right, in a lot of ways having Asperger's is a blessing. I don't envy many neurotypical girls my age who are at the centre of a particular friendship group, with all the squabbles and the drinking and the make-up and the posy photos on Facebook with the caption, "Oh, I'm so UGLY!" (These are the same girls who constantly accuse me of attention seeking!)

You're also right in that many of them will not live up to their potential because they are too busy endulging in such frivolity. However, what disappoints me slightly is that a lot of them will still do well. Just because you're a steady worker, it doesn't mean you can't be a ignorant, exclusive, vile witch. I try to believe in karma and think that one day they will realise how unfair they were, not just to me but to anyone else they may have judged to the point of isolation.

Thank you, I'll do what I can! I'm getting better at ignoring! (I think.) 

Hi Azalea,

Thank you very much for your reply. It's very comforting to know that there are people out there like me. I have imaginary friends too! I call one of them Nadia and she's an adult in her mid forties, so she's a lot older than me. Being honest, a lot of them aren't actually imaginary friends - just characters I make up and live through vicariously.

I give them all these beautiful romantic lives, like at the moment I have invented two sisters, Molly, who is 18, and Alice, who is 23. Alice is a professional ballet dancer and Molly is a gymnast. I am into gymnastics in a big way at the moment (that doesn't mean to say I am a gymnast myself, because I never could be in a million years, even at the very lowest, just-for-fun level. I'm the worst athlete I know!).

When I got diagnosed a couple of months ago, it was written on the report that I had "an intense fact-based interest in gymnastics" but that isn't true. Well, there's no denying it's intense, but it's not really that fact-based. I'm more interested in gymnasts and their day-to-day lives, their relationships with each other, their coaches, their families and friends etc. Probably because I don't have many relationships myself apart from those with my very close and supportive family, this is a way to explore them and it's a consolation when I'm alone, rather than direct comfort and love from an imaginary friend. Though I do have that sometimes as well.

Sorry, I went so off topic there! I hope I haven't confused you; reading it back I'm not sure how much sense it makes! You're right about school - the teachers are the kindest people. The senior management team are so helpful to my family and me and my teachers are very lenient where I'm concerned. (The learning support assistants are a different story, but then I'm not statemented so I don't need to worry too much about them.)

Again, thank you so much for your reply. I've read some of your other posts/comments and you seem like a really lovely person who has so much knowledge and advice to give to others. 

Hi Liv,

A lot of what you say reminds me of my own teenage years, which was the worst period of my life. I too had no friends, but some kind adults who got me through.  Your peers don't understand and are horrible to people they don't understand.  You are believing their ignorant comment and being horrible to yourself with these unkind comments. You must try to stop that because they are so wrong. (I still hate the term "attention seeking"). I thought of myself as having come from another planet that no longer existed so I was the only one of my kind.

I wouldn't say your problems will be over when you leave school. I, and most of the Aspies on this board, continue to have problems with people at Uni and at work but I didn't have a diagnosis then which might have helped a bit. I was lucky at University because I got some help as I was very isolated when I first went. If you struggle to make friends the ordinary way then make your difficulties known to the support services. My first friend was someone who was asked to "look after me". We are still in touch. I now have three close friends, but I also have learnt to value my own company and the freedom it gives me.

Liv,

Everyone with Aspergers struggles at school. The saving grace, is the wheat from the chaff gets sorted out when you leave school, 80% of the people at your school, will just live crappy lives in the future, who are they to judge anyone.

Going to college or university, you will find rational peers and a more adult minded engagement away from the playground name calling and drama gossip living.

You will find a peer group and more functional direction, when you leave school. Hang in there and think of a plan for the future.

For me, I did a life changing exercise when I was 16.

I asked what do I want... a wish list from nothing

My List: a degree, a good job, a couple of close friends, a close relationship, a car, my own place... I achieved this all very easily because I was focused. You can too, make a wish list, but the secret is not to make it a measured timelined, nor financial motivated..., the rest is just natural time, focus and passion.

Most of the problems you talk about will disappear once you leave school.

Liv said:

brusque

I'll tell you one thing, Liv.

Most 16 year-olds wouldn't even know the word 'brusque', let alone how to spell it!

I know this is hard (because it's something I've always found hard myself), but you need to try to ignore other people, and the things they say.

Having Asperger's is a blessing. By definition it means you are significantly more intelligent than most people. This is why we get picked on and called names. Because those doing it are probably jealous, and possibly even a little scared. Because we are superior to them and they know it.

But that doesn't mean we should act superior. Just have pity on the poor souls, who will most likely end up in dead end jobs stacking shelves and flipping burgers for the rest of their lives.

But people like us, we can soar, we can reach amazing heights. We can truly do (almost) anything we set our (incredible) minds too!

Reach for the stars. Soar above the plebs. Be better than them! Be amazing!