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Feeling so lonely

Liv

Hi everyone,

I'm Liv, I'm 16 and I have Asperger's. I have posted on this forum before but today was particularly bad. I get into these dire moods in which I cry and eat, and I was having one of these today. This is an ongoing problem...I feel like I'm all on my own.

I have never once in my life had a friend my own age and I find this hard to accept. I am fortunate in that my school are supportive and have set up a room for ASD children to go to at the more challenging social windows on the school timetable. These children are younger than me and their needs are far more severe than mine, and I am like an older sister/nurse/counsellor to them, but I see myself as a refugee who cannot be picky about where she goes because a large proportion of that school is to me like a death trap.

Sometimes it is wearing to smile for these children all the time and present myself as someone who relishes socialising and living for others when I feel I am cold-hearted, selfish and disengaged. That said, sometimes putting on a positive front for them is therapeutic for me - I am by nature a pessimist, so by losing myself in helping the children I temporarily forget to pity myself and my situation. This is a good thing as I know wallowing never got anyone anywhere.

I also enjoy adult company. I have some very kind adult confidantes who often take me out for coffee and cake and lend me books, but I often feel like I am a burden to them - adults would surely sooner be spending time doing constructive things or talking to their adult friends. Even though they promise they do enjoy spending time with me, I still feel incredibly lonely when I look at other teenage girls - even my own sister who is 13 - and I see how much affection they obtain from their friends when they are unhappy or want someone to talk to.

Speaking of teenage girls, none of them understand me the way they effortlessly understand each other. Girls at school often call me "annoying" and "weird" and "ugly" and an "attention seeker". Over the academic years, it feels as though I have been called every name under the sun, but "attention seeker" is still the one which hurts me the most. Why would I crave the attention I get? It only causes trouble and makes me crushingly unhappy.

Even the kinder girls patronise me or are brusque with me in a way they are only with the most irritating boy. Boys are vile to me too. It feels as though I was never meant to be a child. I hope some fellow Aspies will understand when I say that it is the subtle things which are the most difficult to not be a part of - the inside jokes and the way that people seem to flock together subconsciously and without effort. How come I have never been one of the million girls who can do that?

I'm sorry if I've bored or depressed anyone, but I feel a bit bored and depressed so it can't be helped.

Thank you for your time.

Parents

  • Hi, thanks for your reply. Smile

    I really like your idea of a list. Congratulations on achieving everything you wanted. The problem is, when it comes to relationships, I'm not sure whether I could cope with the ups and downs and the stress of maintaining them. So, even though I feel lonely...I'm quite a hypocrite in a way. I'm unhappy with my situation yet I'm frightened of changing it. And not only am I frightened, I'm lazy. I don't want to work at a friendship and do things that other girls do because it's hard work and it doesn't interest me.

    However, I do want a degree, largely to prove to myself and those around me that I can survive the university experience - living away from home, etc. - not just for academic reasons and the doors it may open for jobs in the future. For a start, I don't even know what I want to do. I've thought about singing (I was very young then), writing books, journalism (too much competition; lots of people want that), speech and language therapy, mental health nursing (too much science). Of course it's normal at my age to feel like this; most people aren't sure what they want to do, however I have selected my A Levels. 

    I think I'll make my own list. What do I want? To be able to concentrate and work productively. Good exam results due to this. A place at university. A degree. A decent job. A sense of peace with myself and my situation. A sense of being comfortable, on my own if that's the way I was designed to be, but I want the ability to be a good acquaintance. A way to leave behind my self-doubts and not be held back by labels or my past experiences.

    Thank you very much for the idea. I'd never thought about doing that sort of thing before. 

Reply

  • Hi, thanks for your reply. Smile

    I really like your idea of a list. Congratulations on achieving everything you wanted. The problem is, when it comes to relationships, I'm not sure whether I could cope with the ups and downs and the stress of maintaining them. So, even though I feel lonely...I'm quite a hypocrite in a way. I'm unhappy with my situation yet I'm frightened of changing it. And not only am I frightened, I'm lazy. I don't want to work at a friendship and do things that other girls do because it's hard work and it doesn't interest me.

    However, I do want a degree, largely to prove to myself and those around me that I can survive the university experience - living away from home, etc. - not just for academic reasons and the doors it may open for jobs in the future. For a start, I don't even know what I want to do. I've thought about singing (I was very young then), writing books, journalism (too much competition; lots of people want that), speech and language therapy, mental health nursing (too much science). Of course it's normal at my age to feel like this; most people aren't sure what they want to do, however I have selected my A Levels. 

    I think I'll make my own list. What do I want? To be able to concentrate and work productively. Good exam results due to this. A place at university. A degree. A decent job. A sense of peace with myself and my situation. A sense of being comfortable, on my own if that's the way I was designed to be, but I want the ability to be a good acquaintance. A way to leave behind my self-doubts and not be held back by labels or my past experiences.

    Thank you very much for the idea. I'd never thought about doing that sort of thing before. 

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