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Feeling so lonely

Liv

Hi everyone,

I'm Liv, I'm 16 and I have Asperger's. I have posted on this forum before but today was particularly bad. I get into these dire moods in which I cry and eat, and I was having one of these today. This is an ongoing problem...I feel like I'm all on my own.

I have never once in my life had a friend my own age and I find this hard to accept. I am fortunate in that my school are supportive and have set up a room for ASD children to go to at the more challenging social windows on the school timetable. These children are younger than me and their needs are far more severe than mine, and I am like an older sister/nurse/counsellor to them, but I see myself as a refugee who cannot be picky about where she goes because a large proportion of that school is to me like a death trap.

Sometimes it is wearing to smile for these children all the time and present myself as someone who relishes socialising and living for others when I feel I am cold-hearted, selfish and disengaged. That said, sometimes putting on a positive front for them is therapeutic for me - I am by nature a pessimist, so by losing myself in helping the children I temporarily forget to pity myself and my situation. This is a good thing as I know wallowing never got anyone anywhere.

I also enjoy adult company. I have some very kind adult confidantes who often take me out for coffee and cake and lend me books, but I often feel like I am a burden to them - adults would surely sooner be spending time doing constructive things or talking to their adult friends. Even though they promise they do enjoy spending time with me, I still feel incredibly lonely when I look at other teenage girls - even my own sister who is 13 - and I see how much affection they obtain from their friends when they are unhappy or want someone to talk to.

Speaking of teenage girls, none of them understand me the way they effortlessly understand each other. Girls at school often call me "annoying" and "weird" and "ugly" and an "attention seeker". Over the academic years, it feels as though I have been called every name under the sun, but "attention seeker" is still the one which hurts me the most. Why would I crave the attention I get? It only causes trouble and makes me crushingly unhappy.

Even the kinder girls patronise me or are brusque with me in a way they are only with the most irritating boy. Boys are vile to me too. It feels as though I was never meant to be a child. I hope some fellow Aspies will understand when I say that it is the subtle things which are the most difficult to not be a part of - the inside jokes and the way that people seem to flock together subconsciously and without effort. How come I have never been one of the million girls who can do that?

I'm sorry if I've bored or depressed anyone, but I feel a bit bored and depressed so it can't be helped.

Thank you for your time.

Parents

  • Hope said:

    Scorpion wrote: ''Having Aspergers is a blessing. By definition it means you are significantly more intelligent than most people''.

    Aspergers might be a blessing for some people, but not for all. I wish that I did not have it because of all the anxiety it causes, however I accept that I cannot change the fact I have it, but can merely make the most of a bad situation. I am optimistic despite my difficulties, but I still wish I did not have them!

    As for the bit about being more intelligent, what is intelligence anyway?. Not all people with AS are 'significantly more intelligent', and while it is true that many people with AS are very 'intelligent', so are many people without AS!. Where does AS 'intelligence' start and 'neurotypical intelligence' begin? Many of the so called geniuses who are alleged to have had AS, might have just been 'geniuses' and nothing more, ie very eccentric.

    I am no more intelligent than many non AS people, and I would  not like to make assumptions.

    ''Because we are superior to them''. Are we really? We are all different, and some people with AS (I have met them) can be vindictive brats too. Having AS is no excuse for this!.

    ''We can reach amazing heights'': If only it were that easy.

    Don't be down on yourself Hope!

    Sure you have difficulties. So do all of us.

    And, yes, I do believe we are 'superior' to the average NT, because it is a fact that the average person with AS is more intelligent than the average NT.

    However, we usually don't have a 'smooth' intelligence profile - instead we're very good at some things, but very poor at others.

    This is one of the defining characteristics of having Asperger's.

    I can tell, just from having read your posts, that you're incredibly intelligent (you know a hell of a lot more about philosophy, and can use it to reason your point far better, than I, for example), and if you believe otherwise you're doing yourself a diservice.

    I can understand why you might feel that way, though. We're often made to feel less than we are by the society that we live in. And struggling with sensory issues, for example, can knock our self confidence.

    And, I'm not saying it's easy, but, if you believe in yourself, you too can reach those amazing heights I speak of!

Reply

  • Hope said:

    Scorpion wrote: ''Having Aspergers is a blessing. By definition it means you are significantly more intelligent than most people''.

    Aspergers might be a blessing for some people, but not for all. I wish that I did not have it because of all the anxiety it causes, however I accept that I cannot change the fact I have it, but can merely make the most of a bad situation. I am optimistic despite my difficulties, but I still wish I did not have them!

    As for the bit about being more intelligent, what is intelligence anyway?. Not all people with AS are 'significantly more intelligent', and while it is true that many people with AS are very 'intelligent', so are many people without AS!. Where does AS 'intelligence' start and 'neurotypical intelligence' begin? Many of the so called geniuses who are alleged to have had AS, might have just been 'geniuses' and nothing more, ie very eccentric.

    I am no more intelligent than many non AS people, and I would  not like to make assumptions.

    ''Because we are superior to them''. Are we really? We are all different, and some people with AS (I have met them) can be vindictive brats too. Having AS is no excuse for this!.

    ''We can reach amazing heights'': If only it were that easy.

    Don't be down on yourself Hope!

    Sure you have difficulties. So do all of us.

    And, yes, I do believe we are 'superior' to the average NT, because it is a fact that the average person with AS is more intelligent than the average NT.

    However, we usually don't have a 'smooth' intelligence profile - instead we're very good at some things, but very poor at others.

    This is one of the defining characteristics of having Asperger's.

    I can tell, just from having read your posts, that you're incredibly intelligent (you know a hell of a lot more about philosophy, and can use it to reason your point far better, than I, for example), and if you believe otherwise you're doing yourself a diservice.

    I can understand why you might feel that way, though. We're often made to feel less than we are by the society that we live in. And struggling with sensory issues, for example, can knock our self confidence.

    And, I'm not saying it's easy, but, if you believe in yourself, you too can reach those amazing heights I speak of!

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