Small secrets in my family

People are weird, it's been observed before, but it is true, and that includes myself. I used to smoke, gave up and then covertly started again. I didn't want family to know because they might start again to I kept it secret. Also  when people smoke it becomes social and that's when it's really hard to give up, people start handing you ciggies and expecting you to take, so for me it was simpler to just pretend I didn't smoke. Now I've stopped for a few years, but it's always tempting to have one, then another then another. It's about them not about you. 

I agree, I like it, it always felt like a bit of a power to me too, I might not have a single clue if you're hinting that it's time for me to leave but I do know a ton of things about people they have no clue about.

Its only been since discussing autism with friends I've found out the reason I can tend to stop a conversation dead is that I tend to vocalize someone's subtext and then ask oddly focused questions. The Most people would tell me before id that I'd sometimes make them uncomfortable. 

I'd have loved to know I was Autistic way earlier in life but if I was given an option to painlessly become NT and exchange me skills for theirs I wouldn't do it, I like my view.

My guess would be either they are embarrassed by it and don't want you to think badly of them, or they don't want to set a bad example even though they perhaps don't feel strong enough to quit.

Yeah, exactly! That's what I was picking up on in your message - that it sounds frustrating, especially that it's about things that you don't care about. Why hide it if it's just a (pretty bad!) facade?

I suppose these are the differences between people - not just between autistic people and allistic, but beyond that, too. (My partner is not autistic, but notices more of these things than I do!) It seems like they must gain benefits from the hiding (or the acting like they're trying to hide) these things. If there were no benefits, they wouldn't do it. Why they hide things specifically from you, who knows. This is where I liked mael's reply - it might have nothing to do with you, but have more to do with an opportunity for them to bond. It might also be helping them on a personal level to live in denial because they're not ready or willing to live in their truths. Another idea is that it's part of a fantasy world for them, a game... some kind of escape from a stressful reality. All just theories, though - I am baffled too! Living in our truths just seems more logical, easy, rewarding, etc. etc!

I see what you're saying it's not so much the fact they are smoking I don't care at all I've smoked weed a few times with my cousin it helps me with my anxiety but it's not a habit that I want to take up I'd rather spend my money on other things and just have it as a treat a couple times a year but it's the fact that they're actively trying to hide things from me but they all know about everything between themselves.

The only thing I can think of is that whoever something does happen my opinions and the way I speak maybe are quite blunt and factual and they don't like me pointing things out they don't like but don't want to admit for example.

I could understand if it was important things but it's not it's silly pointless stuff and conversations that aren't interesting at all most likely and again I don't care about what it is they talk about but it's strange they keep me out

And it's been the same for as long as I can remember it's not anything new because of my autism diagnosis 

What you described reminds me of my childhood. Not many similarities on the surface of it as there weren't secrets kept exactly in this way and it wasn't about smoking, but I remember watching how bad things were between my parents, yet they put on this daft charade for my brother and I. Even between shouting matches, as if they could just switch on and off the anger and hurt I'd just witnessed.

I always blamed being the youngest on why I was a little rebellious and occasionally had had enough and blurted out what I could see to everyone - the elephant in the room. It was so plain to see there were so many problems that they were wasting energy putting on an act. Why didn't they just talk about it, do something about it, or forget it? I suppose this is when I got interested in studying behaviour... to try to detect changes in my world as a kid and to try to predict when things got dangerous. (Parents were waiting until both us kids were 18 to divorce, which they eventually did. I have no thoughts on if their decision to wait was good or not, now - fighting over us in court as children would have been very traumatic. I believe they did what they believed was best and within their abilities.)

I love mael's point about how NTs mask to other NTs. I suppose if people are able to pick up small changes more easily like those with higher sensory sensitivities (not limited to autistics), then this will seem so obvious! But it might seem successful to everyone else.

Shows that everyone (including me) thinks everyone else thinks and experiences the world how they do... until we learn otherwise. If you don't know otherwise... I suppose this is natural.

Yeah I think you're right there we just don't see the world in the same way, I quite like that though I do think it must be quite boring to see the world how an NT sees the world now even more so finding out I'm autistic, because I thought the same before I knew I was autistic any way. Always wondered why people didn't see things the same way as me.

I think what is happening is we are reading people from a different perspective , because NTs mask to other NT's ,we sort of see past it . sometimes i ask my NT wife about her view of someone /event and it is so different from mine ,the reasoning behind someones action is more what she see . Some of it just go's over my head but i generally get a good view of the person ,whereas she is more in the immediate action. 

100% but I grew up essentially studying my family and they’re behaviour because I never had that interpersonal instinct NT’s have so I had to intellectualise it and on top of that I’ve always been extremely observant and spatially aware not knowing it’s because of the fact I’m autistic until now. It’s almost like my super power if I spend some time with someone i can almost predict their behaviour even though I’m bad at reading social cues it’s strange. 

but expanding on what you’re saying to us it’s so obvious they’re being ‘hushy’ and secretive but only because we’re sensitive to that kind of stuff but to all the other NT people around they don’t notice but I’m not sure… I have always said to myself though “how are people so oblivious to their surroundings and so so so UN-observant”

My gran always played poverty, which has rubbed off on me.

I think in a lot of cases it's a social construct that people use to leverage closeness with others, they have little secrets that they tell to those close to them and then they're in a little clan and feel like they're special. However in the smoking and weed one I think that is likely a sort of self-deception, they feel morally superior having given up smoking or not being a drug user etc and therefore if they don't tell anyone, are they really doing it? in their heads anyway. My stepdad is a secret smoker and will act high and mighty with mum about her smoking.

I think its interesting you mentioning noticing it because of high observation and senses, I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of autistic people are the same. I know I notice peoples weird little habits and secrets left right and center, its blindingly obvious to me but no one else seems to notice, al least they seem shocked I know or deny it if I mention it.

On a similar tack I can usually tell if someone is lying to a weirdly high success rate too though I have a feeling that's because I learned body language and social cues as a skill rather than an instinct.

Yep totally normal in the nt world ,the other common one is saying how poor they are .

People are just weird.