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Small secrets in my family

O

I don't understand why people in my family have these strange secrets that I don't care about in the sense that it shouldn't be a secret, my mum says that she doesn't smoke and she gave up but last night she was outside in the garden smoking she must have though I was asleep but I smelt cigarette smoke looked outside and she was there smoking but if I ask her she says she doesn't. I've known for a while because im very observant and because of my sensitive senses I pick up on things very easily like smell etc

My step dad smokes weed too which I don't care about in the slightest my brother used to smoke it all the time my cousins do currently it all the time but they all conspire to keep it a secret from me but they also do such a bad job at that too he leaves the butts outside on the floor, he smells like weed and walks the smell into the kitchen and I can just see that he's high any way and then when ever we're at family gatherings him and my cousin will go off to smoke and my step will be all like shh shh right next to me like I won't notice.

It's with other stuff too small things like conversations and just general things that happen in the family everyone knows about things and what's going on but I'm (a lot of the time) actively being kept out of it.

It's weird, I'm not expecting anyone to reply there's not much of a question or anything I'm asking I just wanted to get it out there.

O

Parents

  • What you described reminds me of my childhood. Not many similarities on the surface of it as there weren't secrets kept exactly in this way and it wasn't about smoking, but I remember watching how bad things were between my parents, yet they put on this daft charade for my brother and I. Even between shouting matches, as if they could just switch on and off the anger and hurt I'd just witnessed.

    I always blamed being the youngest on why I was a little rebellious and occasionally had had enough and blurted out what I could see to everyone - the elephant in the room. It was so plain to see there were so many problems that they were wasting energy putting on an act. Why didn't they just talk about it, do something about it, or forget it? I suppose this is when I got interested in studying behaviour... to try to detect changes in my world as a kid and to try to predict when things got dangerous. (Parents were waiting until both us kids were 18 to divorce, which they eventually did. I have no thoughts on if their decision to wait was good or not, now - fighting over us in court as children would have been very traumatic. I believe they did what they believed was best and within their abilities.)

    I love mael's point about how NTs mask to other NTs. I suppose if people are able to pick up small changes more easily like those with higher sensory sensitivities (not limited to autistics), then this will seem so obvious! But it might seem successful to everyone else.

    Shows that everyone (including me) thinks everyone else thinks and experiences the world how they do... until we learn otherwise. If you don't know otherwise... I suppose this is natural.

  • in reply to Mantra

    I see what you're saying it's not so much the fact they are smoking I don't care at all I've smoked weed a few times with my cousin it helps me with my anxiety but it's not a habit that I want to take up I'd rather spend my money on other things and just have it as a treat a couple times a year but it's the fact that they're actively trying to hide things from me but they all know about everything between themselves.

    The only thing I can think of is that whoever something does happen my opinions and the way I speak maybe are quite blunt and factual and they don't like me pointing things out they don't like but don't want to admit for example.

    I could understand if it was important things but it's not it's silly pointless stuff and conversations that aren't interesting at all most likely and again I don't care about what it is they talk about but it's strange they keep me out

    And it's been the same for as long as I can remember it's not anything new because of my autism diagnosis 

  • in reply to O

    Yeah, exactly! That's what I was picking up on in your message - that it sounds frustrating, especially that it's about things that you don't care about. Why hide it if it's just a (pretty bad!) facade?

    I suppose these are the differences between people - not just between autistic people and allistic, but beyond that, too. (My partner is not autistic, but notices more of these things than I do!) It seems like they must gain benefits from the hiding (or the acting like they're trying to hide) these things. If there were no benefits, they wouldn't do it. Why they hide things specifically from you, who knows. This is where I liked mael's reply - it might have nothing to do with you, but have more to do with an opportunity for them to bond. It might also be helping them on a personal level to live in denial because they're not ready or willing to live in their truths. Another idea is that it's part of a fantasy world for them, a game... some kind of escape from a stressful reality. All just theories, though - I am baffled too! Living in our truths just seems more logical, easy, rewarding, etc. etc!

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  • in reply to O

    Yeah, exactly! That's what I was picking up on in your message - that it sounds frustrating, especially that it's about things that you don't care about. Why hide it if it's just a (pretty bad!) facade?

    I suppose these are the differences between people - not just between autistic people and allistic, but beyond that, too. (My partner is not autistic, but notices more of these things than I do!) It seems like they must gain benefits from the hiding (or the acting like they're trying to hide) these things. If there were no benefits, they wouldn't do it. Why they hide things specifically from you, who knows. This is where I liked mael's reply - it might have nothing to do with you, but have more to do with an opportunity for them to bond. It might also be helping them on a personal level to live in denial because they're not ready or willing to live in their truths. Another idea is that it's part of a fantasy world for them, a game... some kind of escape from a stressful reality. All just theories, though - I am baffled too! Living in our truths just seems more logical, easy, rewarding, etc. etc!

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