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Small secrets in my family

O

I don't understand why people in my family have these strange secrets that I don't care about in the sense that it shouldn't be a secret, my mum says that she doesn't smoke and she gave up but last night she was outside in the garden smoking she must have though I was asleep but I smelt cigarette smoke looked outside and she was there smoking but if I ask her she says she doesn't. I've known for a while because im very observant and because of my sensitive senses I pick up on things very easily like smell etc

My step dad smokes weed too which I don't care about in the slightest my brother used to smoke it all the time my cousins do currently it all the time but they all conspire to keep it a secret from me but they also do such a bad job at that too he leaves the butts outside on the floor, he smells like weed and walks the smell into the kitchen and I can just see that he's high any way and then when ever we're at family gatherings him and my cousin will go off to smoke and my step will be all like shh shh right next to me like I won't notice.

It's with other stuff too small things like conversations and just general things that happen in the family everyone knows about things and what's going on but I'm (a lot of the time) actively being kept out of it.

It's weird, I'm not expecting anyone to reply there's not much of a question or anything I'm asking I just wanted to get it out there.

O

Parents

  • I think in a lot of cases it's a social construct that people use to leverage closeness with others, they have little secrets that they tell to those close to them and then they're in a little clan and feel like they're special. However in the smoking and weed one I think that is likely a sort of self-deception, they feel morally superior having given up smoking or not being a drug user etc and therefore if they don't tell anyone, are they really doing it? in their heads anyway. My stepdad is a secret smoker and will act high and mighty with mum about her smoking.

    I think its interesting you mentioning noticing it because of high observation and senses, I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of autistic people are the same. I know I notice peoples weird little habits and secrets left right and center, its blindingly obvious to me but no one else seems to notice, al least they seem shocked I know or deny it if I mention it.

    On a similar tack I can usually tell if someone is lying to a weirdly high success rate too though I have a feeling that's because I learned body language and social cues as a skill rather than an instinct.

  • in reply to Pax

    100% but I grew up essentially studying my family and they’re behaviour because I never had that interpersonal instinct NT’s have so I had to intellectualise it and on top of that I’ve always been extremely observant and spatially aware not knowing it’s because of the fact I’m autistic until now. It’s almost like my super power if I spend some time with someone i can almost predict their behaviour even though I’m bad at reading social cues it’s strange. 

    but expanding on what you’re saying to us it’s so obvious they’re being ‘hushy’ and secretive but only because we’re sensitive to that kind of stuff but to all the other NT people around they don’t notice but I’m not sure… I have always said to myself though “how are people so oblivious to their surroundings and so so so UN-observant”

  • in reply to O

    I think what is happening is we are reading people from a different perspective , because NTs mask to other NT's ,we sort of see past it . sometimes i ask my NT wife about her view of someone /event and it is so different from mine ,the reasoning behind someones action is more what she see . Some of it just go's over my head but i generally get a good view of the person ,whereas she is more in the immediate action. 

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  • in reply to O

    I think what is happening is we are reading people from a different perspective , because NTs mask to other NT's ,we sort of see past it . sometimes i ask my NT wife about her view of someone /event and it is so different from mine ,the reasoning behind someones action is more what she see . Some of it just go's over my head but i generally get a good view of the person ,whereas she is more in the immediate action. 

Children
  • in reply to O

    I agree, I like it, it always felt like a bit of a power to me too, I might not have a single clue if you're hinting that it's time for me to leave but I do know a ton of things about people they have no clue about.

    Its only been since discussing autism with friends I've found out the reason I can tend to stop a conversation dead is that I tend to vocalize someone's subtext and then ask oddly focused questions. The Most people would tell me before id that I'd sometimes make them uncomfortable. 

    I'd have loved to know I was Autistic way earlier in life but if I was given an option to painlessly become NT and exchange me skills for theirs I wouldn't do it, I like my view.

  • in reply to mael

    Yeah I think you're right there we just don't see the world in the same way, I quite like that though I do think it must be quite boring to see the world how an NT sees the world now even more so finding out I'm autistic, because I thought the same before I knew I was autistic any way. Always wondered why people didn't see things the same way as me.