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Being Bullied....again

Wookie1

Hi,  I was bullied when I was at school and I thought I'd had my fair share, but obviously not.  I'm now 37 and I've been accused by my next-door neighbour of not acknowledging her a few times....she's in her early 70's and she has had a go at me several times.  I know I'm not very good at knowing the social rules about when to say hello to people and whether I should or not, even if I know them well.  I've always had a problem with it - even when I see people on a daily basis sometimes - I don't know whether it's right to talk to them or what I should say.  When I was working in a hospital, I used to creep in so I didn't have to go through the anxiety of knowing what to do or say. And I'd wait for people to say hello to me first. 

I was really good friends with her until about 9 months ago and she suddenly had a massive go at me about not knowing what's wrong with me.  I know she knows I have some mental health problems (due to undiagnosed aspergers), but she doesn't know anything about maybe I have Asperger's because I only found out myself a few months ago. 

I haven't done anything wrong - everyone I know says I haven't.  The thing is, if she said the things she thinks to me to my face, then I would maybe understand it a bit more....but she does it by putting her collar up on the bus so she can't see me, she makes a point of crossing the road infront of me and then totally blanking me with a horrible face. At the bus-stop too, she makes a point of laughing and joking with every one else and totally ignoring me....I dread seeing her as I don't know what to do - I was taught to always be polite to people and it's hard to not be.

Sorry I'm having a right old moan, but has anyone else had this sort of problem - being bullied as an adult, or having the same sort of social problems?

 

 

  • Thankyou all for your suggestions, I like Easy's comment about her being a bitchy old gossip too!!!

    Thanks Paull, It's good to know I'm not the only one who's been sneaking around to avoid people...I always thought I was mad as no-one I know has the same problem. It is hard for people to relate me as they never know how I'm going to be around them.

    Thankyou Jon, I think I would just like for it to go back to how it was but I know that cant happen.  I think I'd maybe want to be ok with ignoring her and letting her be how she is.  I just hate having friction with people as it's so hard to know what I'm meant to do when I see her.  I agree that it is up to me to tell people about my aspergers....and I will do sometime - but not to my neighbour I don't think. Also, I only found out a few months ago and haven't had a formal diagnosis so I don't know whether I should tell people or not.  Writing stuff down is a good idea too.

    Easy, your comment about just thinking about it like she just isn't my kind of person and not pretending she is - it actually helped on the bus today as she was on it when I got on...We both got off at the same stop and had to walk home the same way, but I thought - she is ignoring me so I don't have to feel bad about ignoring her. It's hard when she's actively nasty though.

    Thanks

    Wookie1

  • Easy said:

    I think its quite normal for people to avoid old people,

    anyway she sounds like a bitchy old gossip,

    I expect quite a few local people dont like her.

    ......I am not sure why I found this funny Smile ........

  • I think its quite normal for people to avoid old people,

    anyway she sounds like a bitchy old gossip,

    I expect quite a few local people dont like her.

    My advice would be just to ignore her, and if anyone asks tell them you dont like her because she talks about you behind you back.

    Seems Ok to me, she has obviously decided she doesnt like you so why should you have to pretend to like her ?

    No need to have an argument or say anything nasty, just say she isnt your sort of person. And dont feel guilty about it.

  • Hey Wookie 1,

    Firstly don't put the blame on yourslef.

    Secondly can you be sure that you are interpreting the situation as it actually is?

    Is there anyone who could maybe have a chat with her on your behalf? Someone who is good at the 'social thing'.

    You should not have to 'disclose' to anyone so for her to have a go at you for not telling her is wrong. I beleive that in an ideal world it would be great if you could tell everyone everything but I think that some people are just not going to understand. Its about deciding 'what' to tell people and how it will have a positive effect.

    The person with Aspereger's often has responsibility for explaining themselves. That in itself is very hard and I think personally that I am probably the least well equiped to do this. So, its about finding strategies to do this. email can be used in some situations to communicate. Writing thnigs down so that its easier to verbaly communicate what you want to say. Asking someone to help by doing some talking on your behalf.

    With regards to your neighbour.....Yes, its deffinately good to be on OK terms with a neighbour. But it has to be reciprocal. It may  be the case that she does not undersatnd and therfore by educating her the problem may be solved. But it may also be the case that she is indeed being quite unreasonable.

    What would you like the outcome to be?

    Smile

  • I understand about all the hello goodbye stuff, I used to sneak in and out of work as I just can't face all those social niceities but the problem is if you don't go along with them then you are just giving people cause to think you are strange, so after a while I forced myself to say goodmorning and see you tomorrow. If everytime you see her you don't communicate then the situation will just grow worse so the only way to put a stop to it is to force yourself to speak to her and work out what exactly you should say - eg sorry about my behaviour and I know you may think I'm strange but........