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Struggling to keep going

NAS64760
over 4 years ago

Hello,

I love a man I think is on the spectrum a little higher than most but is able to disguise and “fit in”. It’s only when you spend time with him and get to know him that he can’t hide his traits. We have a long distance relationship and see each other on weekends as he works in the RAF. 
My problem is that although we have discussed this and some days he can see why I think he got ASD, he doesn’t Understand how hurtful he can be. Hes been in and out of relationships all his adult life, never married and no kids and seems to have developed a mechanism for coping with so many relationship breakdowns by blaming “women”. I did question misogynistic tendencies for quite some time but I do believe that because he doesn’t understand the consequences to his actions and words, he find it easiest to blame others. 
II’ve become snappy and I hate myself for it but I spend so long ignoring comments and behaviours to protect myself that eventually it comes out. He calls me argumentative and says I look for problems. (I actually don’t it’s just it gets to breaking point and I have to say something for my mental health). 
My friends don’t understand why I bother when he comes across as so mean (by text). They question if he really has ASD (my teacher diagnosis), or if he is just a self centred, all about me, gaslighting, misogynistic man. There is no other viewpoint but his own. And he so good at belittling my feelings that I feel Liek I’m going insane some times, 
He always says “I have good intentions and I mean well.” And I’m supposed to just accept everything, I’ve told him I can’t read minds and most people use inference to work out what people mean yet he wnats me to take everything on face value.

A classic line of his is “you’re wearing me down and I’ve had enough” to which I have but l explain that to most peopel that’s a serious fault ina relationship and it probably won’t end well. Whereas he means it as a “I’m not happy with what’s happening right now”.

I don’t know how to proceed, I need him to understand the work I put in and that his viewpoint isn’t always as he sees it for me to have some worth as a person. I don’t know how to do this... 

  • over 4 years ago

    Hi I think I understand, you think he is on the spectrum but havent stated why on the post as you didnt want to make the post too long. You can be on or off spectrum and be a jerk at the same time. My husband is a jerk and I think ASD but I'm not 100 percent sure sometimes as men present differently to women. Being ASD myself (and a woman) I've found out recently that I've been putting up with his bad behaviour as I think I didnt fully trust my instincts to know if it was how i see things or actually him. As he would blame me, ie 'your over reacting' 'your taking it too literally' etc and I do take things literally, I misunderstand alot! and struggle to understand people.

    I'm coming to the conclusion that he has used my ASD against me in this way. Its hard to understand but reading blogs and tonnes of articles this can be common for women especially if like myself they dont realise their on the spectrum until late in life. Im struggling to put this into words properly but I hope you get the gist. Get out while you still can, ASD or not he's still a jerk. I'm now married and kids with my jerk, Im sorting everything out so it is messy now. Dont be at the position I am, get out now and find someone new. all the best

  • over 4 years ago
    NAS64760 said:
    They question if he really has ASD (my teacher diagnosis), or if he is just a self centred, all about me, gaslighting, misogynistic man

    Neurotypicals can be both a jerk and a NT. Why do you think individuals with the autistic neurotype can only be one or the other?

    Graham Slight Return said:
    The narrative: he’s a jerk, ergo he must be autistic, is, frankly, insulting.

    I agree with Graham.

  • over 4 years ago in reply to NAS64760

    The narrative: he’s a jerk, ergo he must be autistic, is, frankly, insulting.

  • over 4 years ago in reply to Graham Slight Return

    Yep. I know but I thought if I did the post would be twice as long. I only detailed the part I struggle with. If you consider that just awful behaviour then I’m a fool for putting up with it for so long. I’m so conflicted. 

  • over 4 years ago

    Sorry to be brusque, but you don’t detail any typical autistic behaviour.

    He sounds like a jerk, dump him.