Feel surpressed and lost in this world

For the last 5 years since leaving the safety of the school I was at I have struggled with life and processing this crazy world we live around us. Being in school was great you was with the same people everyday and everyone understand that autism affects everyone differently and supported me with open arms when I felt safe to ask if I can see what it feels like to be in other people shoes and by doing this was great thearpy for me as it allowed me time to be in another space to collect myself and orgainise myself while at the same seeing what it feels like for the other person that i'm expercing. 

I know through school I was always causing trouble because I loved being restrained and I think that why my main obbession when seeing what it feels like to be other peoples shoe was feeling of being restircted, as I know i tried chairs with belts, swimming belts and being sat on chair with my back against the wall and table pushed up against me, I used to love the padded rooms as they was fascinating. but other times it was not feeling of being restricted that settled me down it was just the general feel of being in other people shoes that helped out through school but 80% of the time my body didn't feel comfortable asking the teaching staff if it okay to try stuff out. I tried being a teacher for lesson, having 1-1 support visually impaired, being visually impaired using brail. 

From around 2011 when I was transation from main school to our learning centre for my further education, I started to gain more indepedence but at the same my processing techinque was getting out of hand for a couple years but I didn't seek any support for that. It was that I was getting attracted to young girls school uniforms because there are different boys uniform to point of that wanted to pyhsically take them off the girl but I didn't. it was only during this time I realised that when I experience what it feels like to be other people shoes, I have a alter ego inside of me who loves to see experiences from female point of view and I wants to know what it like to wear womens clothes e.t.c to see how it feels to wear and why people choose to wear some of more ridiclous clothes. 

But since 2014 I been surpressing my alter ego with a single realase in 5 years and it led me to mutiple mental health crashes and it now it leading me to a full withdrawal from scoeity other than work purposes because I can't stand going out and my wondering and scanning every female I see so it mentally visually how it would feel to wear the outfit the girl wearing. on hot days it even worst. 

I have familly issues which is currently stopping me even going online buying the basics of women fashion to try in my own comfort of my bedroom so I'm having surpessing until I either move out into a place of my own or my mum passes away. 

But I haven't got clue if there anywhere private where i can atleast experience the basics for now or to try anything that we don't normally use or need to just get some realse and stability back in my life. so I can carry on forward. 

It got to another point now that I'm looking at adult content online for realease and non sexual reasons and also I'm constantly researching and window shopping women fashion stores and online relatiers just for some realease. I have also looked online for nurses dresses, school uniforms and special needs stuff as release but it not working it only making things worst. I need help and advice but not from any dum witted mental health people