Needing some advice please

My 15 year old daughter has had a real love of Gary barlow for some months now and it has been ticking along fine as she has gathered her collection of dvd's, books and cd's but because of the problems she has she doesnt really have an understanding of the real world. Tonight she was talking about things she would like for christmas and one of them was to meet gary barlow and have her picture taken, also to audition for the x factor, amongst other things, these are her dreams she says. She had a real go at me tonight for telling her that although its nice to have dreams, these things arent always practical and may not always come true, and now i am a bad dad cos i dont understand her world. This is the first time i have ever been stuck for help as i dont know what to tell her as she feels nobody understands her and that we are all being unfair. This obsession is really getting out of hand and her grasp of reality is practically non existant, her understanding seems to be getting worse over the months as there have been issues in school too. Anyone have any advice that might help?

louandmark over 13 years ago

Hey Tony
You must be a fab Dad if you have gotten this far without needing to much help.
The suggestions made all sound worth a try and im sorry to say i cant offer much help, but i would say just remember she is still a 15 year old girl. We do not like being told we cant!!!!!
We think we can do anything!!!!!
and we think life is easy and cheap.
Go easy on yourself she is a teenager.
xxxxx
some one over 13 years ago

tony, you know fine well you arent a 'bad dad' you are doing the best you can, lighten up onyourself
my autistic partner is not here just now, but i think he would have better advice for you than i would as he obviously has had 'obsessions' himself which can mean he does lose reality a wee bit so may be able to help you in how to talk to her about it
personally i think you did the right thing, but maybe my partner knows a different way to explain it to her, i will try to get his input on this soon ok
ADDITIONAL
my partner only had a few things to say, that you did the right thing already as we have all said, that you should talk to a proffesional autistic specialist/therapist who can help her understand
and,
he also thinks talking about her obsession with her might help her come back to reality because that way it is NOT in her head any more, its outside in the real world,and MAYBE she will even be able to hear how it might sound 'logically' if its not just in her head, where she can control it
you just listen, dont critisise or tell her its not gonna happen etc,
just ask her if she wants to talk about it, and let her,
if she asks what you think about it, try to stick with the 'im just here to listen, understand how you feel and let you get it all out'
now bear in mind he is a grown adult man , not a 15 year old girl, so obviously he cant know exactly what to/say or how she will respond, but basing it on his own autism and the obsessive part he thinks this could help
crystal12 over 13 years ago

hi Tony - obsessions can be difficult. There are things my son wants that are linked to a couple of obsessions, altho those obsessions aren't out of control+ I hope they won't get to be as time moves on. I find the worst thing to do with my son is to give him the truth of the matter as it comes as a shock + will upset him. Even when I know something can't be achieved I always let him down slowly. So if he wants something I say I'll try to get it for him, but that I need to see if I can find it, then I tell him later I haven't found it yet + so it goes on. This is because if I can help him then I will, but life being what it is, sometimes we can't deliver. This is to safeguard his feelings + allow him time to adjust. He never forgets what he wanted but there is a period of less expectation which develops over time, altho he'll still ask on occasion. Is there a way you can help your daughter to work towards achieving her dreams about GB? Cd you both go to a concert, letting her know when the nxt one is? Wd it help her if she understood she had to put in personal effort, have singing lessons or whatever before she cd even be considered for the x factor? Or wd this strengthen the obsessions more? Sorry if you've considered all this.