My fiancé is autistic but he went a long time not knowing.
It was my knowledge and work with children with autism that made me pick up on his very autistic traits. He got diagnosed 4 years ago.
We work nornally very well together he tells me often that he's grateful that I'm educated and know how best to support him.
The one thing i just don't know how to move forward with is our sex life. We've been together for 6 years and we've both been through so much. I dont want to be too graffic here so im going to try and be straight to the point. In 6 years we've only successfully made love once. We both want to have children but i don't know if we can. Sex used to be painful for my partner until he had a circumcision. He wanted it done so that we could try for children. Since then he's no longer in pain which is good but whenever we try he looses his errection and always has done. Bar one time after his circumcision, every time since then we've failed. When we've sat down and spoken about it, he tells me that he wants it and he tries to think of all the things that make him aroused but then his brain fogs out and he goes down and takes him ages to get back into it. If intercourse isn't involved he will stay errect and ejaculate with no problems at all. For a long time i thought it was me. Until he tried to tell me what goes on in his head. I feel really alone in this and i wondered if anyone else with autism and a partner struggles with this too and if there is any advice anyone can give me or to even guide me in a way that could best help him. He tells me all the time that he'd love nothing more than to have his own child with me. But unless we move past this we never will and it breaks my heart, I'd love nothing more than to become a parent with the love of my life. It hurts every day thinking that i Will never become a mom, never know what it feels like to feel a mothers love and the same emotions for my partner. Neither of us know what to do to make this better. So if any of you lovely human beings can even just relate even a little, you'd be helping us so much
I'm not autistic but my partner is undiagnosed, we went through a period of about 14 months when he just wouldn't come near me even slept on the sofa.
He never explained why but I think it was stress (we were under alot at the time)
Have you tried taking the stress out of it? Stop talking about children, I know he wants them to but if he is over thinking and worrying about letting you down this maybe part of the problem.
Have you considered counselling services. Or since you both want a child other forms of insemination?
As for counselling services we would need to pay very heavily and we just dont have that kind of money. I also am not so sure my partner would be very forth coming so if i could get the money together I'm mot sure it would be worth it. If i knew it would help us i would absolutely find the money. Its just a big risk for us when we dont have money yo throw around like that.
Have you considered that there's a consequence of going through with things that jumps into his head? The responsibility of having kids might require a whole load of processing for him and while it sits in the backgorund in the 'to do' list of brain activity, unprotected sex might bring all that necessary processing right to the top of the processing list - and that will kill everything dead - and that will then load another layer of guilt and stress on top.
I think you need to get him comfortable with intimacy long before the whole kids thing gets added on top.
I could be way off the mark but the thing that jumped out at me was to ask whether he genuinely, in his deepest parts, wants to start a family? I'm wondering if his subconscious is yelling "No!" and taking action. It might sound cold and clinical but I wonder what would happen if you had sex with a condom on? You've said he has no trouble staying aroused if intercourse isn't involved - when there's no risk of pregnancy.
Just a thought & hope it's helpful.
Yep - nothing stops a bloke faster than a load of unhelpful thoughts at the critical moment.
Hi, as a woman myself I can totally relate to the need to have babies and I do realise that that can be quite an intense instinct. However, I do agree with what @Plastic and @I’m done with Christmas Cards are saying. Does your fiancé actually want to have children? Would he be able to cope with all the pressures and responsibilities that come with having children? Does he feel that you view him more as a sperm donor as opposed to an object of desire? Wouldn’t it be more sensible to focus on building up a healthy level of intimacy based on mutual desire and attraction and using contraception before you even consider going down the route of trying for children?
I appreciate all of your feed back on this matter. Firstly we do talk and we've talked a lot about this. I have asked him to be honest and truthful with me and tell me whether he actually wants to have children and every time he passionately says yes. So either he's lying to me and you guys are right or something else is going on. @plastic could have something in the fact of the processing of it all. I actually think he would make a great dad, he talks all the time about how he would do this and do that with his little one, amd the way he is with children we look after from time to time. but you've also given me more things to think about and to discuss with him, to try and get to the bottom of how he feels.
Believe it or not @kitsun i know that having a baby isn't the be all and end all. I love my partners body. All I've ever wanted is to feel that intimate connection with him. I didn't want to go into everything in my oringinal post because of the rules. Sexual contact between us isnt very intimate for me at all. I crave that but he doesn't seem to be able to get past that even before we ever spoke about children. You spoke here as if i have no care about how he feels. I do so very much which is why i came here looking for ways to help him and in the long term us. I do not by any means at all in the slightest see him as a sperm donor!
I've tried to help build up a healthy level of intimacy with him but maybe im doing it all wrong. As i said I've never known an intimate sexual relationship even my ex was never intimate he just took and took and abused so i don't really know how to go about this and its hard to get my partner to be open about the act of sex itself so that we can learn together. This is where i am stuck.
I am not a monster that just wants his sperm to give me a baby. I want and need this part of our relationship to be healthy for both of us
There's two things you can do to get him going - either take his mind off any unwelcome thoughts or overload the unwelcome thoughts until he can't think of anything but the matter in hand.
Men are basically simple devices so why not try to make intimacy fun? Bottle of wine, a load of baby oil, maybe some flimsy underwear - see where it goes....
Alternatively, what are his deepest darkest fantasies? Maybe indulge him so he can't control himself.... and see what happens.
It's all about controlling what's on his mind.
Hi again NAS62326. Despite my suspected autism & the stereotype of being insensitive & lacking empathy, I sense some frustration from you and a sense that we are being unkind or insensitive or uncaring towards you.
I just want to say that we are offering thoughts to try to help. None of us is a relationship counsellor or sex therapist (as far as I know!), but we are human beings who can perhaps identify with how difficult sexual relationships can be and make some guesses -no more no less - as to what might be going on.
I am in my 50s and have raised two families & know how hard that can be, and I (now) know how my autism cuts me off from some aspects of sexual experience and relationships with other humans, and I know that brains and personalities are very complex things often full of surprises.
I for one thought that the risk of making a wrong guess about what's happening in your case was worth it if it had a chance of helping.
Despite the stereotypes, we feel some of your pain and wish you well.