Intimacy and trying for children.

My fiancé is autistic but he went a long time not knowing. 

It was my knowledge and work with children  with autism that made me pick up on his very autistic traits. He got diagnosed 4 years ago. 

We work nornally very well together he tells me often that he's grateful that I'm educated and know how best to support him. 

The one thing i just don't know how to move forward with is our sex life. We've been together for 6 years and we've both been through so much. I dont want to be too graffic here so im going to try and be straight to the point. In 6 years we've only successfully made love once. We both want to have children but i don't know if we can. Sex used to be painful for my partner until he had a circumcision. He wanted it done so that we could try for children. Since then he's no longer in pain which is good but whenever we try he looses his errection and always has done. Bar one time after his circumcision, every time since then we've failed. When we've sat down and spoken about  it, he tells me that he wants it and he tries to think of all the things that make him aroused but then his brain fogs out and he goes down and takes him ages to get back into it. If intercourse isn't involved he will stay errect and ejaculate with no problems at all. For a long time i thought it was me. Until he tried to tell me what goes on in his head. I feel really alone in this and i wondered if anyone else with autism and a partner struggles with this too and if there is any advice anyone can give me or to even guide me in a way that could best help him. He tells me all the time that he'd love nothing more than to have his own child with me. But unless we move past this we never will and it breaks my heart, I'd love nothing more than to become a parent with the love of my life. It hurts every day thinking that i Will never become a mom, never know what it feels like to feel a mothers love and the same emotions for my partner. Neither of us know what to do to make this better. So if any of you lovely human beings can even just relate even a little, you'd be helping us so much 

  • I'm no expert and have my own difficulties. But if you say that he can maintain an erection and ejaculate then could you not collect the sperm and then insert with a syringe. I am a lesbian and we've got 2 children through using donor sperm which we used this way and my partner became pregnant first time with both children. (was literally a 10ml syringe and a little cup!).  Once the insemination was done (I did it in our own home) she laid with a cushion under her to tilt her slightly.  Sex doesn't have to be penetration and neither does making a baby.  Enjoy other ways of pleasuring each other without the pressure. Good luck x

  • At the risk of being clinical there are three 'issues' here:

    1. Conceiving

    2. Intimacy

    3. Intercourse

    None of the above need necessarily involve the other 2.

    For (1) you could conceive via IVF or artificial insemination - I believe it is now possible to purchase donor sperm over the internet for the insemination to take place at home, so the 'equipment' should be available to use with your partner's semen, which you've already indicated you are able to 'get your hands on'.

    For (2) you can be intimate without having intercourse, again, it sounds like you already do - so maybe just expand your repertoire in this area a bit?

    Taking care of (1) and (2) would seem to make (3) less of an issue. Lots of couples can't have penetrative sex for reasons related to physical or mental problems in either partner... (erectile dysfunction, vaginal dryness, premature ejaculation, vaginismus, intimacy issues following abuse, performance anxiety etc. etc.) I'd say give it time, take the pressure off, just enjoy each other's bodies and maybe gradually move closer to the 'goal' little by little... take it an inch at a time.

  • Awesome,

    The diversity of talent and interests on this forum is amazinging

  • I'm more than happy to talk off-forum about things that are too graphic for this place.   Btw - I used to edit a glossy alternative lifestyle/fetish magazine a few years ago - I'm not phased by anything..

  • There are also PM... if OP gets in touch?

  • Seriously, the guys are giving you a fantastic insight into the male mind here and they mean really well with what they’re saying! You’d be wise to take it on board!

  • Exactly - there's a million things that can distract the mind in a bad way and take the fun out of it - so it's all about controlling what's going on in your head to re-focus the attention.   Luckily, these days, there's an entire industry providing all sorts of fun materials & toys to help things along. Smiley

    Personally, I'm hyper-sensitive to everything - temperature, texture, noise, touch etc. and there are some very effective ways to get control of it all.  If you have an open mind.  Smiley

    I could write so much here but I suspect it would contravene the site rules. Smiley

  • Hi. I was diagnosed last year at age 44. We have a 15 year old and we sort of went through the same thing. Masturbation, while difficult at first, was not a problem. Orgasming with my wife definitely was. This is how it goes: my issue is I'm physically under-stimulated so things like touch need to be pretty firm for me to feel anything. Paradoxically, during intercourse sensations (breathing, skin, the sheets, noises) are all happening on a conscious level and have to be actively managed to prevent being overwhelmed. Along side this I'm running intimacy/reciprocation routines (I'm aware that this sounds mechanical) in order to respond to what my wife is feeling and doing. Along side this I'm entirely conscious of what my erection is doing/feeling and fighting to stay in the sexual mindset. What I'm trying to say is that nothing nothing nothing happens automatically and as you can imagine with all this stuff floating around I'm my head it all gets to much and everything goes sort of numb. Anxiety about this feeds back into the loop and it gets harder and harder to stay in the moment eventually leading to reluctance to initiate or want sex (with anyone other than myself) entirely.  

    The solution i can up with that allowed us to conceive was to: 

    Stop trying to think of thing to keep me aroused and instead focus on aspects of my wife's body that excite me. If I start feeling numb, I slow down and focus on kissing and touching. This generally "distracts" me enough to allow my erection to return in a more unforced way. 

    We got a bit kinky. Different materials feel different and different clothing exposes different parts of the body. By playing around and exploring this we started to figure out what my buttons were and how to push them. Foreplay foreplay and more foreplay and get creative. 

    Practice makes perfect. Pre and post child sexual intimacy was something that had to be practiced. Schedule it if you need to. Ours is Tuesday afternoons. I know what to expect and it takes the whole misreading of cues stuff out of the equation. Drop any ideas you might have about spontaneity. I personally find it annoying and the worst thing you could do to me is surprise me. 

    Laugh. take breaks. If nobody has an orgasm, its Ok because it's still fun to do and we're closer afterwards.

    When I first me my wife 20 years ago I thought that I would never orgasm with another person. My first sexual partner put so much pressure on me to *** that I started to fake it (Yes, men can and do fake orgasms). Masking isn't just about pretending to be socially NT. It pervades all levels of human interaction.  I honestly believe that it was only when I stopped performing and started experiencing that things finally fell into place. I hope this helps.

  • This is the very important factor in the relationship and an absolutely valid legitimate need. It sounds to me like you both need help psychologically and with sex aspects. It sounds like trauma and anxieties are creeping in the heads of both of you, and it is difficult to untangle without help. 

    Is he diagnosed? Is your trauma documented? Given the specific circumstances for you both, the trauma, the fact neither of you ever had healthy sexual relationships psychologically and physically, the dx and the impact it has on your life and relationship, there must be a way to refer you to the suitable therapists on the NHS. Like all things NHS, you need to pursue and be persistent. 

    This worries me a little:

    So if any of you lovely human beings can even just relate even a little,

    And this:

    You spoke here as if i have no care about how he feels. I

    You work with autistic children, did your training say that autistic people can't relate to anything even a little?  Several autistic people have picked up wibes from you. You might not fully realise how trauma affects you and your partner might not be able to put the finger on the problem. But you need counseling.

  • You've missed your calling......Grin

  • It does look like has a new calling as a s%& therapist!!! :-)

    Smiley

  • Sorry, I was being autistically blunt! I'm not very good at sugar coating things and I tend to get straight to the point! I'm sure that he is being truthful with you and I'm sure he is lovely with children. He still might feel overwhelmed by the prospect of actually becoming a parent. It's A LOT of responsibility and not something that you can back out of once you've committed to it. I'm not saying that he doesn't want to become a parent. I'm saying that it is possible for him to want to become a parent but to also be scared by the prospect at the same time. 

    I do not for one second think that you don't care how he feels. I think it must be very difficult as a woman to not have that intimacy in a relationship as it is important to feel desired and wanted and close to the person that we are with. If this is lacking then it can have a negative impact on one's self esteem. 

    I am really really sorry to hear that you were abused. That is terrible, I can't begin to imagine how bad that must have been for you. Have you ever considered couples counselling as it sounds as though you have both had a rough time in different ways. Maybe it might help to talk things through with someone who is not involved in the relationship.

    Now, I am capable of seeing when I am making an appalling attempt at trying add anything remotely helpful to a conversation. Though I wanted to explain that I wasn't being nasty, just very blunt and lacking in social awareness. So I am going to hand it back to the boys to further advise on this matter and give you the male perspective on things.

    It does look like has a new calling as a s%& therapist!!! :-)

  • Hi again NAS62326. Despite my suspected autism & the stereotype of being insensitive & lacking empathy, I sense some frustration from you and a sense that we are being unkind or insensitive or uncaring towards you.

    I just want to say that we are offering thoughts to try to help. None of us is a relationship counsellor or sex therapist (as far as I know!), but we are human beings who can perhaps identify with how difficult sexual relationships can be and make some guesses -no more no less - as to what might be going on.  

    I am in my 50s and have raised two families & know how hard that can be, and I (now) know how my autism cuts me off from some aspects of sexual experience and relationships with other humans, and I know that brains and personalities are very complex things often full of surprises.

    I for one thought that the risk of making a wrong guess about what's happening in your case was worth it if it had a chance of helping.

    Despite the stereotypes, we feel some of your pain and wish you well.

  • There's two things you can do to get him going - either take his mind off any unwelcome thoughts or overload the unwelcome thoughts until he can't think of anything but the matter in hand.  

    Men are basically simple devices so why not try to make intimacy fun?   Bottle of wine, a load of baby oil, maybe some flimsy underwear - see where it goes.... Smiley

    Alternatively, what are his deepest darkest fantasies?  Maybe indulge him so he can't control himself.... and see what happens.  Smiley

    It's all about controlling what's on his mind.

  • I appreciate all of your feed back on this matter. Firstly we do talk and we've talked a lot about this. I have asked him to be honest and truthful with me and tell me whether he actually wants to have children and every time he passionately says yes. So either he's lying to me and you guys are right or something else is going on. @plastic could have something in the fact of the processing of it all. I actually think he would make a great dad, he talks all the time about how he would do this and do that with his little one, amd the way he is with children we look after from time to time. but you've also given me more things to think about and to discuss with him, to try and get to the bottom of how he feels. 

    Believe it or not @kitsun i know that having a baby isn't the be all and end all. I love my partners body. All I've ever wanted is to feel that intimate connection with him. I didn't want to go into everything in my oringinal post because of the rules. Sexual contact between us isnt very intimate for me at all. I crave that but he doesn't seem to be able to get past that even before we ever spoke about children. You spoke here as if i have no care about how he feels. I do so very much which is why i came here looking for ways to help him and in the long term us. I do not by any means at all in the slightest see him as a sperm donor!

    • We both have issues revolving around sex, i was abused and so ive never known sex to be a loving thing. I love this man with every fibre of my being. I need us to both learn what it is to have a healthy intimate sex life whether that means children or not. As far as i have been made aware we both would love nothing more than to have a child. We often look after other peoples little ones and he's amazing with them and doesn't stop talking about all of the amazing moments he enjoyed while taking care of them for days. I would be very confused if he actually felt like he really didnt want them. Hurt that he lied to me too. At least with the truth we can work through it and come to terms with it. If thats the case then telling me he wants them but doesn't its incredibly unfair on me. 
    • As for contraception he cant use condoms they just make him loose his errection we've tried and tried again and it happens every time even when intercourse isnt on the cards. So that theory wont work. 

    I've tried to help build up a healthy level of intimacy with him but maybe im doing it all wrong. As i said I've never known an intimate sexual relationship even my ex was never intimate he just took and took and abused so i don't really know how to go about this and its hard to get my partner to be open about the act of sex itself so that we can learn together. This is where i am stuck. 

    I am not a monster that just wants his sperm to give me a baby. I want and need this part of our relationship to be healthy for both of us 

  • Hi, as a woman myself I can totally relate to the need to have babies and I do realise that that can be quite an intense instinct. However, I do agree with what @Plastic and @I’m done with Christmas Cards are saying. Does your fiancé actually want to have children? Would he be able to cope with all the pressures and responsibilities that come with having children? Does he feel that you view him more as a sperm donor as opposed to an object of desire? Wouldn’t it be more sensible to focus on building up a healthy level of intimacy based on mutual desire and attraction and using contraception before you even consider going down the route of trying for children?

  • Yep - nothing stops a bloke faster than a load of unhelpful thoughts at the critical moment.

  • I could be way off the mark but the thing that jumped out at me was to ask whether he genuinely, in his deepest parts, wants to start a family? I'm wondering if his subconscious is yelling "No!" and taking action. It might sound cold and clinical but I wonder what would happen if you had sex with a condom on? You've said he has no trouble staying aroused if intercourse isn't involved - when there's no risk of pregnancy.

    Just a thought & hope it's helpful.

  • Have you considered that there's a consequence of going through with things that jumps into his head?     The responsibility of having kids might require a whole load of processing for him and while it sits in the backgorund in the 'to do' list of brain activity, unprotected sex might bring all that necessary processing right to the top of the processing list - and that will kill everything dead - and that will then load another layer of guilt and stress on top.

    I think you need to get him comfortable with intimacy long before the whole kids thing gets added on top.

  • As for counselling services we would need to pay very heavily and we just dont have that kind of money. I also am not so sure my partner would be very forth coming so if i could get the money together I'm mot sure it would be worth it. If i knew it would help us i would absolutely find the money. Its just a big risk for us when we dont have money yo throw around like that.