Intimacy and trying for children.

My fiancé is autistic but he went a long time not knowing. 

It was my knowledge and work with children  with autism that made me pick up on his very autistic traits. He got diagnosed 4 years ago. 

We work nornally very well together he tells me often that he's grateful that I'm educated and know how best to support him. 

The one thing i just don't know how to move forward with is our sex life. We've been together for 6 years and we've both been through so much. I dont want to be too graffic here so im going to try and be straight to the point. In 6 years we've only successfully made love once. We both want to have children but i don't know if we can. Sex used to be painful for my partner until he had a circumcision. He wanted it done so that we could try for children. Since then he's no longer in pain which is good but whenever we try he looses his errection and always has done. Bar one time after his circumcision, every time since then we've failed. When we've sat down and spoken about  it, he tells me that he wants it and he tries to think of all the things that make him aroused but then his brain fogs out and he goes down and takes him ages to get back into it. If intercourse isn't involved he will stay errect and ejaculate with no problems at all. For a long time i thought it was me. Until he tried to tell me what goes on in his head. I feel really alone in this and i wondered if anyone else with autism and a partner struggles with this too and if there is any advice anyone can give me or to even guide me in a way that could best help him. He tells me all the time that he'd love nothing more than to have his own child with me. But unless we move past this we never will and it breaks my heart, I'd love nothing more than to become a parent with the love of my life. It hurts every day thinking that i Will never become a mom, never know what it feels like to feel a mothers love and the same emotions for my partner. Neither of us know what to do to make this better. So if any of you lovely human beings can even just relate even a little, you'd be helping us so much 

Parents
  • Hi, 

    I'm not autistic but my partner is undiagnosed, we went through a period of about 14 months when he just wouldn't come near me even slept on the sofa.

    He never explained why but I think it was stress (we were under alot at the time) 

    Have you tried taking the stress out of it? Stop talking about children, I know he wants them to but if he is over thinking and worrying about letting you down this maybe part of the problem.

    Have you considered counselling services. Or since you both want a child other forms of insemination? 

  • Hi,

    • I hope things are better for you and your partner now and that you got through those 14months okay.
    • The last time we spoke about it which was months ago. I told him i wasn't going to talk about it anymore. I had a thought that it could be stress or anxiety about it. Maybe even a sensory overload for him. Ive tried to de-stress the situation for a long time now but he struggles to communicate his feelings and thoughts so because I've taken a step back from it all i don't want to ask him anything and just let him come to me in his own time. I know for a fact that he doesnt want to disappoint me of let me down and i used to tell him all the time that it was okay, that we'd figure it out in the end we just never have been able to get past whatever it is that stops him. I know it disappoints him and always feels like hes let us both down and i dont know how to help him feel better about it. I've tried everything i can think of. I don't always understand how he works which makes situations like this really difficult for me. We've spoken about different ways of insemination but I've been too nervous to put him in any other situation that makes him uncomfortable. Ive thought a lot about it myself and ao since taking a huge step back to de-escalate the situation i haven't wanted to aproach the subject
Reply
  • Hi,

    • I hope things are better for you and your partner now and that you got through those 14months okay.
    • The last time we spoke about it which was months ago. I told him i wasn't going to talk about it anymore. I had a thought that it could be stress or anxiety about it. Maybe even a sensory overload for him. Ive tried to de-stress the situation for a long time now but he struggles to communicate his feelings and thoughts so because I've taken a step back from it all i don't want to ask him anything and just let him come to me in his own time. I know for a fact that he doesnt want to disappoint me of let me down and i used to tell him all the time that it was okay, that we'd figure it out in the end we just never have been able to get past whatever it is that stops him. I know it disappoints him and always feels like hes let us both down and i dont know how to help him feel better about it. I've tried everything i can think of. I don't always understand how he works which makes situations like this really difficult for me. We've spoken about different ways of insemination but I've been too nervous to put him in any other situation that makes him uncomfortable. Ive thought a lot about it myself and ao since taking a huge step back to de-escalate the situation i haven't wanted to aproach the subject
Children
  • As for counselling services we would need to pay very heavily and we just dont have that kind of money. I also am not so sure my partner would be very forth coming so if i could get the money together I'm mot sure it would be worth it. If i knew it would help us i would absolutely find the money. Its just a big risk for us when we dont have money yo throw around like that.