Published on 12, July, 2020
My fiancé is autistic but he went a long time not knowing.
It was my knowledge and work with children with autism that made me pick up on his very autistic traits. He got diagnosed 4 years ago.
We work nornally very well together he tells me often that he's grateful that I'm educated and know how best to support him.
The one thing i just don't know how to move forward with is our sex life. We've been together for 6 years and we've both been through so much. I dont want to be too graffic here so im going to try and be straight to the point. In 6 years we've only successfully made love once. We both want to have children but i don't know if we can. Sex used to be painful for my partner until he had a circumcision. He wanted it done so that we could try for children. Since then he's no longer in pain which is good but whenever we try he looses his errection and always has done. Bar one time after his circumcision, every time since then we've failed. When we've sat down and spoken about it, he tells me that he wants it and he tries to think of all the things that make him aroused but then his brain fogs out and he goes down and takes him ages to get back into it. If intercourse isn't involved he will stay errect and ejaculate with no problems at all. For a long time i thought it was me. Until he tried to tell me what goes on in his head. I feel really alone in this and i wondered if anyone else with autism and a partner struggles with this too and if there is any advice anyone can give me or to even guide me in a way that could best help him. He tells me all the time that he'd love nothing more than to have his own child with me. But unless we move past this we never will and it breaks my heart, I'd love nothing more than to become a parent with the love of my life. It hurts every day thinking that i Will never become a mom, never know what it feels like to feel a mothers love and the same emotions for my partner. Neither of us know what to do to make this better. So if any of you lovely human beings can even just relate even a little, you'd be helping us so much
Hi, as a woman myself I can totally relate to the need to have babies and I do realise that that can be quite an intense instinct. However, I do agree with what @Plastic and @I’m done with Christmas Cards are saying. Does your fiancé actually want to have children? Would he be able to cope with all the pressures and responsibilities that come with having children? Does he feel that you view him more as a sperm donor as opposed to an object of desire? Wouldn’t it be more sensible to focus on building up a healthy level of intimacy based on mutual desire and attraction and using contraception before you even consider going down the route of trying for children?
I appreciate all of your feed back on this matter. Firstly we do talk and we've talked a lot about this. I have asked him to be honest and truthful with me and tell me whether he actually wants to have children and every time he passionately says yes. So either he's lying to me and you guys are right or something else is going on. @plastic could have something in the fact of the processing of it all. I actually think he would make a great dad, he talks all the time about how he would do this and do that with his little one, amd the way he is with children we look after from time to time. but you've also given me more things to think about and to discuss with him, to try and get to the bottom of how he feels.
Believe it or not @kitsun i know that having a baby isn't the be all and end all. I love my partners body. All I've ever wanted is to feel that intimate connection with him. I didn't want to go into everything in my oringinal post because of the rules. Sexual contact between us isnt very intimate for me at all. I crave that but he doesn't seem to be able to get past that even before we ever spoke about children. You spoke here as if i have no care about how he feels. I do so very much which is why i came here looking for ways to help him and in the long term us. I do not by any means at all in the slightest see him as a sperm donor!
I've tried to help build up a healthy level of intimacy with him but maybe im doing it all wrong. As i said I've never known an intimate sexual relationship even my ex was never intimate he just took and took and abused so i don't really know how to go about this and its hard to get my partner to be open about the act of sex itself so that we can learn together. This is where i am stuck.
I am not a monster that just wants his sperm to give me a baby. I want and need this part of our relationship to be healthy for both of us