Can’t lie

I’m always saying things that offend. I 100% don’t mean to and beat myself up a lot about it. Chances are I feel worse about the comment than they do, sometimes I realise I’ve done it and other timeit’s pointed out! I like to think I understand the impact of what I say and do, I just can’t help it! I really wish I could lie sometimes

That’s really useful advice, thank you so much.  

Thank you for clarifying. Yes of course there’s a point to explaining to her that things she has said have been hurtful as you shouldn’t have to put up with her saying hurtful things to you. You may need to be very specific though when explaining exactly what she has said and exactly why it has hurt you. I’m pretty sure that my eldest daughter (21) also has AS, luckily we are and always have been very close, like best friends really, so she doesn’t say hurtful things to me BUT one thing that I have really struggled with with her recently is trying to get her to see how her behaviour impacts on other people and makes them feel (with regards to bf/friend’s) and it’s virtually impossible, to get her to put herself in the other persons shoes and see how her behaviour affects them, unless she has been in the same situation herself. Even though I’m terrible at seeing others perspective myself, it really winds me up when I am explaining to her in the bluntest most direct way ever, and she still doesn’t get it! 

Yes of course. I’m fairly sure my adult daughter is on the high functioning autistic spectrum.  She has said quite hurtful things over time and I just wanted to know whether there was any point trying to explain to her what she has done. I’m just tying to get a better understanding really. 

Hi Nancy, can I just ask please, why are you asking us this question?

Thankyou for responding

I suffer from a grossly overblown compulsion to 'do the right thing' so telling lies or making falsehoods falls under the heading of doing the wrong thing - so I simply can't do it.

Unfortunately, telling the truth completely and accurately is something no-one wants to hear - they want the truth modified and sugared-up and filtered so it fits with their own narrative. NTs seem to be able to be naturally flexible with the truth and modify it for their target audience and to manipulate people.

My accuracy and bluntness is seen as a real asset in an engineering and science environment and a total liability anywhere else. I cannot do diplomacy.

I make a very good Riker or Mr Data character because my Captain can rely on my technical evaluations and opinions to be able to make big decisions.

Unknown said:

I do but I don’t care. I am only responsible for what I say, not for how it’s understood. That doesn’t mean I will say things to purposely hurt somebody and if somebody tells me that they are upset by something I’ve said, I’ll talk to them about it and I may even agree to not say it again. But ultimately, the hurt lies with the person hurting. It belongs to them, not me. 

I totally agree with this.

Thank you for replying this is all really useful.

I guess what I’m saying is I’d understand on a factual level, saying X causes Y to feel upset, but I wouldn’t be able to understand it on a sociol/emotional level

I would understand that what I had said had hurt the other person’s feelings and I would feel bad about it BUT depending on what it was I might not necessarily understand why I had hurt the other persons feelings, in as much as I struggle to see things from other people’s perspective and struggle to feel what other people feel in a given situation and also for me it is better if someone speaks directly and to the point so I wouldn’t get the point of sugar coating what I say