Published on 12, July, 2020
As someone autistic, I know how vulnerable I can be at times.
I have to think hard to understand that things may not be as they seem.
There have been posts here recently about 'friendship' and dating. From a general point of view there are several things to look out for where others could take advantage of autistic traits. And one of them is someone who says they are neurotypical but are looking for someone autistic.
This begs the question 'Why?' I think we would all be very suspicious of a middle aged man who said he wanted to meet girls of thirteen or fourteen. It woujld immediately send alarm bells ringing. And by the same token we should be very wary if someone says they are neurotypical and then wishes to make friends with and date autistic people. My thoughts of this that spring to mind are that it may be someone who wishes to take advantage of autistic naiivity, someone who wants to lead us gradually to places we are not comfortable. Add to the mix the first thing they say is that they want to see pictures of us and we are getting into very dangerous territory if we are not careful.
Our details could be shared with any number of strangers, the word could get out of our vulnerabilities which have been coaxed out of us and this used by any number of people to exploit us. And just because someone says they live in Birmingham or Manchester or wherever, does not mean it is true. It could be to lead us into a false sense of security,
And then there are the 'hard-luck' stories. Who can forget the 'Nigerian' emails of a few years ago where untold riches were promised in return for a sum of money to release funds. And then the emails purporting to be from a bank. Such things are getting more and more sophisticated. We could give our details to any number of people who want to exploit us through befriending just one person.
Several years ago an email which purported to be from a loved one, saying they were trapped in a foreign country and needed money immediately to get home. The address was got from harvesting addresses from a friends computer. And I have suspicions that befriending some of these people might also lead to such hard luck stories or similar.
It is very difficult to tell who is genuine and who is not but we should all be very careful. I know it is difficult to say that all posts asking for dating should be removed. But I believe this should be done in order to protect us. This forum should not be a dating site. And none of us should reveal personal details to anyone until we are absolutely certain that someone is bona fide. To do otherwise could have tragic consequences.
The following song is quite relevant:
Add me by Chumbawamba
You haven't upset anyone, not even once from what I can tell! I've never used a dating site. They feel too random to me. I like to get a look and jist of a person before I'd feel comfortable of any form of dating. I feel like an alien a lot of the time. Some women like aliens! Have you ever thought about that?
On the other hand, too much in the way of screening and vetting might discourage some.
Hehe, that's quite an Aspie comment, that last bit ;-)
I would prefer that the forum would be closed. Open only to the registered members. Maybe, only those who say that they are autistic.
oktanol said:I'm not really convinced about dating websites generally, don't think it would work for me
I have the same problem.
When I was on dating sites, I felt like an alien there all the time. I do not think that they are for me.
The thing about this forum too, is that it is an open forum. It is not secret, or even closed. There is the thing about being vulnerable Vs being adults, but no I don't think this would be the place to set up closer links between individual participants.
Nothing to be sorry about. Discussing dating and explaining the difficulties you have and the problems you have with relationships is no problem and is part of proper adult discussion. My post is about the fact that we can become easy prey for a predator and that this forum should not help such people by being used as a dating site. Most of us need companionship and someone unscrupulous could use this as a method of preying on us as a sector of the population that can be naive and vulnerable. And this forum could be facilitating this if it allows such posts.
Hi, don't think you need to be sorry, you haven't upset anyone really. I'd think it's o.k. to talk about dating as a subject, but for trying to find a date it's just not the right platform, as that one moderator explained a long time ago, and that hasn't really changed.
I'm not really convinced about dating websites generally, don't think it would work for me, I'm just way too slow, I can't start with trying to find someone to date, for me it has to start with someone I can observe for some time first, then become friends and keep it that way for some time, otherwise I don't get interested in others in a way that I would want them to get any closer to me. But suppose everybody is different there.
Thank you for this thread.
I really like it. Thank you for the warnings to be careful.
I think this thread is at least partially because of me.
I will try not to write about dating anymore. I am really sorry.
That's the same age range I made my biggest mistakes. I'd say looking around me that a lot of people made mistakes around that age. I don't know what mistakes you made but I've seen some big mistakes made at that age!
Accepting things isn't childish. Denying them is. It's good that you have someone who isn't a dirtbag.
I'd agree. Since being diagnosed I've had first hand experience of the change in a few peoples attitudes towards me. I've had a couple of "friends" try and do things that they wouldn't have done otherwise. One tried to scam money from me, it didn't end well for them. Everyone thought I was NT all my life but some of the condecension and deeds of others made me realise how we are seen by others. Not all, but there are certainly some people who are dirtbags.
I have told a few people my first name and where I come from but that was just being friendly. I haven't given any details that could be used against me.
This post had to be made, as someone who used to work in fraud investigation I would say the whole "dating" thing is a no-no. Even a lot of NT's are lonely and this makes them vulnerable. "Dating" will make the mind do some strange things!
Trainspotter said:This forum should not be a dating site.
Well said
I was told at my assessment that almost every relationship i have had was inappropriate and that at least 3 of them groomed me. I was horrified but in retrospect i can see what she means. I certainly didn't feel that I was being abused but there it is. I am an adult as you said but as a 51 year old i think I would probably be used again if I weren't with my husband. I am vulnerable, I have to accept that however childish it might make me feel.
I don't feel the need for the 45-year-old me to be protected, but I wish the 17 - 25-year-old me had been! It would have saved me a whole world of heartache, several buckets of tears, and a LOT of damage over the years.
We may be more vulnerable on average than neurotypical people, but we are adults and can make up our own minds. I personally don't think I want to find a date on this site, but I don't want to be protected like I'm a child, either.
That video is funny, though the person narrating has some clear autistic traits, which is a bit depressing. It just goes to show how repulsive autistic traits are to neurotypicals, right in line with the more clearly weird stuff such as the tendency to post nude photos of oneself, etc.