Autism and Vulnerability

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There is a great deal of both brilliance and vulnerability in this community. I sometimes wonder what the moderators reading this make of it!

We each seem to have our moments of lucidity, vulnerability, highs and deep lows.  There are some who are still dealing with exposure to past or current abuse and the vulnerabilities of also managing co-morbid conditions such as anxiety, depression and medical issues.

In contributing to the forum (to which I mean 'prattling on') there is a lot of self identification with others feelings and experiences (though I obviously realise that each persons experience and interpretation of that experience is their own) which in turn is both reassuring i.e. it is not only me whose gone through this but also sad in that there is a sadness that such encounters with life are not as uncommon as they should be.

I agree, sensible advice should be bumped.

When it comes to personal safety we should look at the practices of professional advisors.

My mental health crises team came in pairs when they visited me at home.  Never alone.

My other, various advisors, insist that we meet in safe public places where there are people around, such as libraries, community centres, pubs, Costa café, Waitrose café etc.  Never at home.

I learn from them.

Sensible advice as always, also to give this thread a bump.

I thought it was time to revive this thread as it is probably more appropriate for my thoughts on how sometimes we can become the victims of someone unscrupulous.

There was a programme on television a week or two ago (think it was a repeat) about a teenager who used his knowledge of computer games to lure and trap another teenager and eventually get to meet him with extremely tragic consequences.   The perpetrator of this is now serving a lengthy prison sentence, but this will not bring the other lad back.  There are stories that the perpetrator was autistic (anything to make autistic people seem dangerous to society).  He manipulated several younger lads but the lad he murdered he groomed into eventually meeting him.

Now I am not saying this is the motive of anyone who has posted on here.  But we just don't know what the motive of someone may me.  Someone who in original posts says they are not autistic, they were blind but now can see, they ask for people to post pictures of themselves, they want 'friends' on here but then ask for pictures and addresses as their first message, and they are marrying someone from somewhere where the human rights record is dubious and have never met, and they have made posts with much conflicting information.

There are all sorts of questions here about vulnerabilities, both with the person concerned and what is being asked of others.  It may be totally innocent but there are enough questions to be answered that put questions in my mind and make me suspicious.

I said before that I believe this forum should not be a dating site.  And I still believe that.  Too many of us (me included) are vulnerable in one way or another and can drop our guard at certain times.  And although myself I am not interested in dating anyone, I can see how those who are could be taken in by someone out of curiosity or because they are desperate for companionship. And certain people, who are well practised in seeming genuine will take advantage of this.  Certainly if someone begins to ask for details of date of birth, address, etc do not divulge this.  Pay no one any money however desperate they sound or however good the 'investment' may seem (and, as an aside, this includes beggars on the street - too many times money gven to them ends up not for food but to feed a drug habit). 

And I would advise anyone not to meet someone alone whom they met online and have never met before. Meet in a public place, as busy as your autism allows it to be, take someone with you and be prepared to walk away if behaviour or language begin to get inappropriate.

Be safe!

My son to is in prison now. The teen told my son "You won't go to Prison because of me" while she made up allegations against him behind his back. She called up at the window to get him out. She txt him thousands of times. She asked for items money as her 20 year old brother. Got her friends to call over. We didn't know about the allegations for almost 2 years. The police built the case up. Until he was sentenced to prison the barrester then gave him the allegations statement to read in prison! No defence made. We only saw the police statements, which said very little!!! The system is nasty. The solicitors did not inform my son on all allegations.  The police took too long to deal with them and told it's a separate issue!!!!! Not mentioned in court dispute us informing.

We are living in tough times. He won't cope on a 10 year order! It's too much!

Judge knew the order on needing to be more clear. We didn't see the actual order he was on prior

It's terrible this is happening.

My son don't want to know anyone no more.

In the meantime he is in prison locked in a temp room alone and has nothing. He's been in a tracksuit for two weeks not washed let out 30 mins a day. On temp wing. So he can't get education, nothing.

The solicitor and barrester told me they had to prove he had capacity otherwise the court would not know what to do with him. So you're  dammed either way!

Teens target vulnerable adults.

We've had it for years.

No protection and grey area.

He looks young himself and feels it.

He don't feel like an adult due to his physical disabilities and illnesses on top. No professional support.

Just about to get him a Navigator but the case stopped it all. Yet my other son the same is thriving as he don't have physical disabilities

Inciting - Entrapment are a common occurrence in my town. Teens do this now especially known convicted vulnerable adults.

Hi @Song

Reading you post is very relevent to my son who is early 20s.  He has ASD

And still had no true girlfriend not relationship experience. However a teen girl has reported my son for harrasment charges, we didn't know and this girl now 16 txt him 2,500 times and phoned him 50 times on police investigation, he sent less back not phoned her once. She is the younger sibling of the brother who befriended my son. Took money off him, asking for tobacco, money for alcohol.I stopped it.

My son is at risk of prison and court hearing due. But since her allegations, she won't leave him alone and calls for him at the house, she's not the victim here for sure. I know this is an Entrapment. Police don't seem to notice my many reports of complaint but recently she finally had a warning to stay away.

My son don't see her for what she is, and it's very sad that if he goes near her he could end up in custody prior to the case.

I think it's about time there is more protection for vulnerable young adults manipulated  by teens who fake friendships and report fasle malicious sexual crimes. He's had this beforehand. All teens are friends, but the police seem to not care to help.

How can we protect our ASD members from manipulation if they can't see it themselves??  as the complaint has to be made by them. It's terrible.

It's good you are married and reflecting your experience here. Thanks for sharing

I was in the same situation as you in a 'relationship' my late-teens/early-20s and it did me immense damage. I didn't realise he had been grooming me until I started working in education and had to do safeguarding training- reads like a checklist. So that's a fun thing I have to do every year. >>

Accepting that I'm vulnerable is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. My partner of 5 years had a similar experience (also autistic and at the same age). I don't think it's uncommon with us on the spectrum to be targeted in that way as young adults.

DragonCat16 said:

Some sites have a private section for members only. Not the whole site, just one section.

I have noticed the same.

Maybe we can have something similar here?

Some sites have a private section for members only. Not the whole site, just one section.

Most people I know that fall for someone generally say that they fell for someone because they didn't make small talk. They tend to hit it off straight away. I can say myself that I've also found this the case. I once met a girl when I went out drunk to a watch a film alone. There were 5 people in the picture house. I found a shot particularly amazing and went "Wow" under my breath. She was in the row in front, and she turned back and said "I know, right!". I came out at the end and she we got talking about the directors filmography. We totally geeked out for a while then I asked her if she wanted to carry on in the pub. She was AS and I didn't get diagnosed until 16 years after we met. It kind of makes sense now but you will find someone who it isn't hard to speak to. That's the whole point of being with someone. Not finding it hard to speak to them. If you are having trouble speaking, your intuition is probably telling you the right thing.

Cloudy Mountains said:

You haven't upset anyone, not even once from what I can tell! I've never used a dating site. They feel too random to me. I like to get a look and jist of a person before I'd feel comfortable of any form of dating. I feel like an alien a lot of the time. Some women like aliens! Have you ever thought about that?

Thank you very much for letting me know!

I just feel that on dating websites people have some kind of small talk rules I really struggle to understand. It looks like to me that most of the people like playing games. I am too serious for that.

I am horrible at small talk and I do not like it.

I also feel like an alien a lot of the time. It is not just on the dating websites.

I also would like to know more about the person before meeting him.

I would love someone similar to me as a partner. I think there must be someone out there who would really like me.

You haven't upset anyone, not even once from what I can tell! I've never used a dating site. They feel too random to me. I like to get a look and jist of a person before I'd feel comfortable of any form of dating. I feel like an alien a lot of the time. Some women like aliens! Have you ever thought about that?

On the other hand, too much in the way of screening and vetting might discourage some. 

Hehe, that's quite an Aspie comment, that last bit ;-) 

I would prefer that the forum would be closed. Open only to the registered members. Maybe, only those who say that they are autistic.

oktanol said:

I'm not really convinced about dating websites generally, don't think it would work for me

I have the same problem.

When I was on dating sites, I felt like an alien there all the time. I do not think that they are for me.

The thing about this forum too, is that it is an open forum. It is not secret, or even closed. There is the thing about being vulnerable Vs being adults, but no I don't think this would be the place to set up closer links between individual participants.

Nothing to be sorry about. Discussing dating and explaining the difficulties you have and the problems you have with relationships is no problem and is part of proper adult discussion. My post is about the fact that we can become easy prey for a predator and that this forum should not help such people by being used as a dating site. Most of us need companionship and someone unscrupulous could use this as a method of preying on us as a sector of the population that can be naive and vulnerable. And this forum could be facilitating this if it allows such posts. 

Hi, don't think you need to be sorry, you haven't upset anyone really. I'd think it's o.k. to talk about dating as a subject, but for trying to find a date it's just not the right platform, as that one moderator explained a long time ago, and that hasn't really changed.

I'm not really convinced about dating websites generally, don't think it would work for me, I'm just way too slow, I can't start with trying to find someone to date, for me it has to start with someone I can observe for some time first, then become friends and keep it that way for some time, otherwise I don't get interested in others in a way that I would want them to get any closer to me. But suppose everybody is different there.