Age gap relationship and friendship

As an older gay man myself, when I was younger, after I came out in my teens, I was not able to spot if guys on the scene (or outside of it) was “taking advantage” back in the day, where there was a lot of it about, where I was very vulnerable to the attentions of gorgeous older guys, but now in the internet age, the stakes are far higher - young gay guys these days are far more “savvy” so at my age, I’m far more vulnerable to attentions of some 20 something hot hunk who is after whatever money he thinks I have because of my age - it’s one reason why I won’t do online gay dating sites or apps like Grindr or Scruff as it’s far too dangerous with all the weirdos around and there are people, even in this day and age who are still very homophobic - it would be nice to meet some 20 year old hottie who is a prince but you just don’t know how truthful they are, gay guys lie about their age and their wealth and they lie all the time on their profiles and they could be into some strange stuff that your not into (that they have not told you about beforehand) - I can honestly say that I’ve never lied on a gay dating website profile or an app, yet all I’ve found are time wasters who are only into the hookup culture 

I can see that this discussion was started more than 6 years ago, but as it has been resurrected, I thought I'd add my thoughts.

Up until I was in my mid-to-late twenties, I would never have entertained the idea of being in a relationship with someone who was more than 5 years older than me. I then ended up in a relationship with a man who was 20 years older than me. Although my parents never attempted to talk me out of it, I know they initially had difficulty coming to terms with the idea that their daughter's boyfriend was around the same age as them.

For me, the age gap was never an issue. In addition to that boyfriend being young at heart, the advantage he had was knowledge and experience, which I had previously found men closer to my age seemed to lack. In terms of energy, I felt we were well-suited. Back then, it seemed as though men of my age always wanted to be out doing stuff, rather than being stuck at home snuggled up on the sofa watching TV.

In terms of friendships, some of my closest friendships are with people who are 10+ older than me.

I believe that if you get along well with someone, be it as a friend or romantically, age gaps are irrelevant. It's their personality that counts, not their age.

Having been diagnosed with autism later in life as an older Irish gay man in the U.K. 21 years  (I’m now 53) and coming from an Irish Catholic background, raised an only child, I’d known that even within gay circles and within my family circle, age gap relationships (or my having any friendships or even acquaintances with anyone) was always strongly discouraged and disapproved of right from the start, even when I’d lived in Ireland 

I didn’t find out I’m autistic until 35, but did in fact date older men. I actually advise against it. Any 30-40 year old man who wants to date a 20 year old is suspect. However, I will say that friendships can definitely be valuable no matter what the age. I tend to get along with older women and younger men (maybe because they tend to be more feminist and free thinking.). Now that I’m nearing 40, I’d prefer dating men my own age but they are dating 20 year olds, so I’ve been dating younger men (over 25).  I see no problem with it. I am very active and have certain interests so it’s already challenging to find someone with mutual attraction. And again, men my age are usually married or ageist/misogynist. So is neurodivergent people usually already have slim pickings. I also happen to be very picky about people (not attracted to 80% of people). I also have an aversion to dating old dudes. I think because I was naive and used by older men when I was younger that I just am not attracted to them anymore. 

Only recently learned that my wife is Autistic, which explained a whole lot of past and current struggles. We are an age gap couple that have been together nearly 24 years now. The advice I would give about seeking an age gap relationship is I wouldn't recommend, on the other hand if it just happens don't immediately reject it. If you are attracted to an older person, In many ways a sincere older partner that doesn't have major issues of his or her own might be just what the doctor ordered. They will be more patient, they will value you more, they maybe able to handle the practical issues that might arise from the relationship. For my wife and I are relationship has been wonderful since the day we decided to work together 17 years ago. If you get serious with someone make sure your partner educates themselves about autism and especially rejection sensitivity which seems to be the major stumbling block for relationships, and employment. My wife and I started dating when she was 19 1/2 and she had never had an interest in a romantic relationship prior. She also feels more comfortable with people closer to my age than hers.   

I am in a happy relationship with a partner who is 20 years older than me.  At the end of the day age doesn't matter, it is the person you choose to be with.  Even with someone older than you, you don't see the age gap.  I forget the age gap between my partner and I unless someone points it out.

I wish you the best of luck in finding the right person for you.

Oh ok thanks for looking out for me and I did say to other people that I would like to find someone that will not take advantage of me because of my disability or vulnerability and that someone would actually want to be with me as otherwise I would be upset and will shatter or destroy my dreams of being with an older man.

Oh, sorry for my choice of language, I will amend my original post. I did not mean to offend, I certainly do consider you an adult who is autonomous to make their own choices and that is why I said this is a matter for you. I only made the other point as I know a number of people of our age who have sadly been taken advantage of by older individuals due to their lack of life experience, and I don’t want this to happen to you.

Thank you for your help and advice but people have got to remember I am not really a young girl anymore but a woman now as I do not like to be considered a youth because I really hate it now as I am now in my early 20s now myself and I just want to be treated as an adult and be seen as one and not as a child or young teenager anymore like for anyone to take advantage of me and to want to be with me as people over 18 are considered adults and should be treated as one and not be prevented from doing what they like as adults are old enough to make their own choices and it is our bodies too. I do not mean any offence either too.

It is a matter for you really. Certainly it’s legal. I would just advise you to be careful (as ever when entering into a relationship), especially as some unscrupulous individuals may see it as easier to take advantage of a young woman.

Also, think about what you want moving forwards in life. For example, for me I know that I would like to have children if I end up in the right relationship, therefore I would think about how age differences might affect this and any other plans you may have as you grow older. Basically, make sure that despite the age gap you will be on the same page as time goes on.

But to be transparent, I have never been in a relationship (I am in my early 20s), so this is just my opinion.

Older friends are just fine - I have lots of older people I mix with (though I wouldn’t exactly describe them as ‘friends’).

No one is really an authority to answer this especially not me but for what it's worth.  No, age gaps are not an issue, sometimes older people who are emotionally stable and sure of themselves can act as a stabilising force in the tumultuous emotional roller coaster that is being autistic and in your twenties.  Sometimes men find it flattering to be found attractive by a younger women and to be looked up to and so in that sense the relationship can healthy and beneficial to both parties in different ways.  

What do you think you will get out of a relationship with an older person?