How to deal with embarrassment and shame about having autism (especially interests and social skills?)

I don't do balance, I seem to do extreme in all things!  ;)  

LateToTheAlphaQuadrant said:

the person didn't like me as they thought I was too nosey!

Solid point. Yeah a balance is necessary (honestly, with everything in life balance is important) and that’s a perfect example of why.

Yes, it's difficult getting that balance. The number of times I've fallen off that tightrope! 

I'm not going to write much, as it's late and I'm tired, and many others have given a detailed response ... But don't be embarrassed by your interests, whatever they are!!

I'd echo what the Prof said about sharing when safe ... I remember a saying I heard, which can be morphed into being about interests, hobbies and lots of other things - 'Why would you expect everyone else to like you, when you don't like everyone else!'

Be yourself, because true and decent people will have absolutely no issue with that 

I hope it makes you feel better, but I am 53, I sleep with 2 teddies and am very attached to one of them in particular. I also can feel very weird in a group of friends and do much better meeting up with one person. I don’t have any advice really, online communities can be good for finding like minded people, or at Uni there must be a ND society or another society you might like? Try not to be embarrassed by your interests, if they are importsnt to you and bringing you joy that is the most importsnt thing. 

It's funny isn't it, you have to strike just the right balance. I remember when I started a new school. I heard that asking people questions about themselves was polite and people usualy like it. I asked what I thought was a few questions. The feedback I got back later was the person didn't like me as they thought I was too nosey! 

Hello and welcome, 

I am in my 70s and have been diagnosed this year. 

I too, "play with toys" and always have done since being an infant. Of all the things I have experienced it has probably been the most consistent, fulfilling, reliable and comforting part of my life. I have found creative play a good de-stressor. My choice of "toys" has been quite varied from wood carving, origami, model trains to cross stitch, knitting, crochet. Yes, it wasn't always the expected gender specific hobbies. I haven't usually shared my hobbies with others, I guess because it really wasn't important to do so. 

I know it has taken me at least 7 months, so far, to come to terms with my diagnosis. The downtime just making things gave me the time and space to understand and reflect on what my diagnosis really means.

profdanger said:

The best one was the idea of the “compliment sandwich,”

Yes, that's a standard in management training - and I had to put up with a lot of management training once I became a manager!

The things that helped me personally were Dorothy Rowe's books on fear, happiness and life. (She was an Aussie/Brit psychologist). And the books by Robin Skynner and John Cleese. They gave me the confidence to study psychology as part of the degree I took in my 30s.

Alexa said:

because I knew that most people would be bored by an author talking about their own work

Same! Yeah, I rarely bring up my writings to even my close friends even though my novels are deeply important to me. It’s kind of sad, but I feel like there will be a time and place to someday terrify someone with the existential dread of my stories lol. Hopefully my kids will be curious when they grow up a little.

Alexa said:

fiorced myself to keep up with some football

Sports is a particular area to keep an eye on for sure. You can just focus on loosely keeping up with one team of one sport, so even if another sport/team comes up that you’re unfamiliar with your scant knowledge of your “home team” could inform you of questions to ask about what you don’t know. For example, my family LOVES baseball (which I don’t understand the appeal of at all) and American football, so I’ve channeled a faint interest in the US soccer team Seattle Sounders to find at least a bit of common ground. I have very little idea of who is playing for Seattle right now or how they are doing in their current season, but I know enough to at least appear like I’m engaged with their fandom. Both my family and my wife’s default to me being the resident soccer and FIFA expert lol

Alexa said:

One thing I did that really helped me was to read a few books on counselling

A life-changing thing for me was reading a book on leadership, but I totally forget the title. Overall it gave some rather mundane and obvious advice, but a few nuggets of wisdom totally changed my perspective on conversations. The best one was the idea of the “compliment sandwich,” in which you give someone criticism by beginning with a compliment, diving into the critique, then end with another compliment or a reiteration of the original compliment. That significantly lessens the emotional impact of criticizing someone else. Apparently allistic leaders innately know that social rule, but it’s not so obvious to us Autists lol.

Hi and welcome. I'm in my early 70s and recently diagnosed, so I understand the struggle to deal with that - and especially if you're at university, which is a time of your life when socialising is a deep need. 

I'll second prof's excellent advice. I can give you some examples from my own life (although I didn't do these things consciously then). 

Guarding interests - I spent most of my life reading voraciously, studying and writing. I hardly ever talked about the writing because I knew that most people would be bored by an author talking about their own work. I still don't talk much about it. Some of the things I studied or read crop up in very occasional conversations, but I try to keep stuff I know relevant to the conversation because I'm deathly afraid of being a bore and nearly always ashamed afterwards if I feel I've blurted out far more information than the other person wanted. I tend to keep the things I have that will freak other people out hidden away in one room in my house, not on view to other people except close friends I trust.

Researching interests - I spent some years as a seniorish trade union rep and fiorced myself to keep up with some football, as most of the people I was in meetings with were men and most of them seemed to be avid football fans. I didn't deeply research things, just enough to know which teams were in the premier league and how well they were doing.

Asking questions about things people are interested in always goes down well. I've never perfected it but I can get by. One thing I did that really helped me was to read a few books on counselling, as they gave me a lot of help on listening skills and also identifying typical psychological defenses people have. if you like, the red flags that warned me when to steer clear of soimething and how to ask questions without asking them. Stuff like picking up on the tone people use when talking about things, so I could say "that sounds awful. What did you do?" or "are you OK with that?" Mild things that invite people to talk about the impact something has on them.

profdanger said:

B in particular is one that I have developed a trust with

Thank you and the trust is reciprocated.

️

profdanger said:

Gloria Gaynor is a legend. I Will Survive is easily one of my top ten most favorite songs ever

Ditto.

I saw her perform live. 

️

You’re welcome! Again, if you have further questions feel free to let me know. As you can see by B and LateToTheAlphaQuadrant’s accounts, you are far from alone in this struggle.

Oh! I do want you to feel welcome here, but I think it is fair to note that it appears most of the users on this forum are 40+ years old. I’m actually one of the odd ones for being less than 40 years old as well. Don’t let that prevent you from engaging with others here, since a lot of the older Autists (B in particular is one that I have developed a trust with) have tons of wisdom and advice they can share from their life experiences.

B said:

It became a gay anthem

Gloria Gaynor is a legend. I Will Survive is easily one of my top ten most favorite songs ever ️

LateToTheAlphaQuadrant said:

(ProfDanger's advice was brilliant.)

Oftentimes showing empathy is far more important than giving advice.

You did a fine job displaying empathy towards RedCamelPenguin, which may be far more healing for her than giving her tips on socialization.

Very wise points  

RedCamelPenguin said:

I think the worst one at the moment is the fact that I have started to collect barbie dolls.

I am 64 and collect and furnish doll houses.

Interests aren't age dependant especially for us autistics.

I hope that in time you can accept yourself, feel no shame and enjoy your interests unencumbered by such feelings.

There is a song from the 70's 'I am what I am' and the lyrics are very inspiring. 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=zreTvtpTeoU

It became a gay anthem at a time when being gay/bi etc was still something others wanted us to feel shame about, but its theme is universal. 

It helped me through my youth.

Hi, I'll be honest and say I didn't give any socalizing advice as I haven't got a clue myself! (ProfDanger's advice was brilliant.) I keep myself isolated, even fom neighbours so you being out there, trying your best at Uni is a huge achievement and something to be congratulated upon. I admire your courage. You really are doing so well even if it doesn't feel like it at times. 

I will try to take up these things, especially the first 2 because they are something I do less commonly at the moment. Thank you very much tho I appreciate it

Thank you very much for the kind words! It has reassured me slightly still feel very insecure but I guess that’s something I need to work on in the future