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How to deal with embarrassment and shame about having autism (especially interests and social skills?)

RedCamelPenguin

Hi all! I was hoping this would be a good place to find support and advice, especially because of the anonymity aspect this forum provides. I (20 F) have been diagnosed with autism 2 weeks ago, and although the diagnosis has felt freeing, it has also brought out a lot of feelings of shame and embarrassment. Furthermore, I am in my final year of university and I feel quite alone as I am struggling to reach out and talk to friends, and it feels like everyone else is closer to each other.

The main source of shame I have at the moment are my interests. I think the worst one at the moment is the fact that I have started to collect barbie dolls. I feel embarrassed because I already feel kind of emotionally attached to them and because my mind labels it as childish, especially when I need or use them to emotionally decompress and comfort. Furthermore it feels really difficult to express this to anyone I know because I'm scared I  will be made fun of for it.  I feel like maybe I should not be paying for toys at the ripe old age of 20. I feel ashamed that I have OCs and draw them quite a lot because it feels weird. This is also difficult to share because I don't think most neurotypical people do this and and some of my OCs I'm either deeply connected to or are *** like furries which is quite out of the ordinary.  I feel awkward about some of my other interests too, such as how I have enjoyed shows like TADC and Helluva Boss in the past, listen to musicals, get obsessed with certain artists like Taylor Swift. I find it really difficult to ever share interests with others because I am worried people will see me as a massive weird or worse like a baby. Also because I have weirder interests it feels harder to connect with others in the conversation

I think I also feel ashamed because I feel so behind others socially. Like at the moment a lot of the time I hang out with people I feel like the third wheel, or the expendable one. I think this is because everyone else seems to be able to bounce off well with each other. A lot of the time if I am in a room with others I am the quiet voice. I also get a bit upset if people don't understand what I am saying. I have never been the person invited to parties and I almost resent others for that. I also am scared sometimes I am a bit yappy because sometimes I could tell others were irritated by me for asking too many questions. I also feel very anxious initiating things and social interaction can make me feel very uncomfortable at the moment.

Is there any tips that you guys could give me for help and support? Thank you very much either way!

Parents

  • Good morning from America, RedCamelPenguine!

    I formerly was a professor for a while, so I’m a little used to working with your age group. I can totally understand being afraid of being alienated for your interests, particularly at your age. I believe that as we get older, it gets a little easier to enjoy your interests without concern about others, but embarrassment can happen at any age (as LateToTheAlphaQuadrant has said). I’ve got a few quick tips that may help, but if you have any other questions feel free to let me know.

    1. Guard your interests. Only share things you deeply enjoy with people that you trust. Theoretically, good friends will support your interests regardless if they enjoy them too. One of my current best friends plays practically every video game I don’t play (he’s very talented at difficult games, while I focus on easier dad-friendly games), but recently he said he appreciates that we can educate each other on gameplay/music for different games. However, it feels awful when you share a deep interest and the other person reacts negatively to it, so that’s why I say save sharing interests for when you feel safe.

    2. Research things that don’t interest you. If small talk and discussions are hard for you, then it might be worthwhile to take some time and get up to speed on things that you know others might like. For example, I don’t enjoy watching movies in general, but I often look up quick synopses of popular films and shows to at least know enough to ask good questions or maybe even pass as having seen that media. When Game of Thrones was big, I kept up a little on what was going on in the show despite not caring one bit for it. That means if Game of Thrones came up among my friends, I could at least interject questions about the Stark family or who died in the last episode. You don’t have to know everything, just enough to look knowledgeable.

    3. Ask questions. Honestly, I’d be surprised if you do actually ask too many questions. People seem to generally like being an expert on something, so feel free to stroke their ego by asking them about their interests! Not everyone likes to talk about personal details like their hometown or plans for the future, but there are some that only want to talk about that. Politics and religion are a massively difficult topics to navigate, but if you ever get caught in a politically or religiously-focused conversation, ask questions. Don’t give opinions on politics/religion unless you are very confident in your beliefs or you trust everyone involved in the conversation. Welcome others to inform you of their beliefs and they’ll probably appreciate that.

    4. Deep listening. One factor that could change your whole approach to conversations is focusing on listening more than finding opportunities to speak. It’s generally difficult for Autistic people to read when is the right time to talk (especially on the phone). However, I think we’re generally pretty good at listening and latching on to details about others, so lean into that when you enter conversations.

    Hopefully that gives you some ideas! Best wishes!

Reply

  • Good morning from America, RedCamelPenguine!

    I formerly was a professor for a while, so I’m a little used to working with your age group. I can totally understand being afraid of being alienated for your interests, particularly at your age. I believe that as we get older, it gets a little easier to enjoy your interests without concern about others, but embarrassment can happen at any age (as LateToTheAlphaQuadrant has said). I’ve got a few quick tips that may help, but if you have any other questions feel free to let me know.

    1. Guard your interests. Only share things you deeply enjoy with people that you trust. Theoretically, good friends will support your interests regardless if they enjoy them too. One of my current best friends plays practically every video game I don’t play (he’s very talented at difficult games, while I focus on easier dad-friendly games), but recently he said he appreciates that we can educate each other on gameplay/music for different games. However, it feels awful when you share a deep interest and the other person reacts negatively to it, so that’s why I say save sharing interests for when you feel safe.

    2. Research things that don’t interest you. If small talk and discussions are hard for you, then it might be worthwhile to take some time and get up to speed on things that you know others might like. For example, I don’t enjoy watching movies in general, but I often look up quick synopses of popular films and shows to at least know enough to ask good questions or maybe even pass as having seen that media. When Game of Thrones was big, I kept up a little on what was going on in the show despite not caring one bit for it. That means if Game of Thrones came up among my friends, I could at least interject questions about the Stark family or who died in the last episode. You don’t have to know everything, just enough to look knowledgeable.

    3. Ask questions. Honestly, I’d be surprised if you do actually ask too many questions. People seem to generally like being an expert on something, so feel free to stroke their ego by asking them about their interests! Not everyone likes to talk about personal details like their hometown or plans for the future, but there are some that only want to talk about that. Politics and religion are a massively difficult topics to navigate, but if you ever get caught in a politically or religiously-focused conversation, ask questions. Don’t give opinions on politics/religion unless you are very confident in your beliefs or you trust everyone involved in the conversation. Welcome others to inform you of their beliefs and they’ll probably appreciate that.

    4. Deep listening. One factor that could change your whole approach to conversations is focusing on listening more than finding opportunities to speak. It’s generally difficult for Autistic people to read when is the right time to talk (especially on the phone). However, I think we’re generally pretty good at listening and latching on to details about others, so lean into that when you enter conversations.

    Hopefully that gives you some ideas! Best wishes!

Children