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How to deal with embarrassment and shame about having autism (especially interests and social skills?)

RedCamelPenguin

Hi all! I was hoping this would be a good place to find support and advice, especially because of the anonymity aspect this forum provides. I (20 F) have been diagnosed with autism 2 weeks ago, and although the diagnosis has felt freeing, it has also brought out a lot of feelings of shame and embarrassment. Furthermore, I am in my final year of university and I feel quite alone as I am struggling to reach out and talk to friends, and it feels like everyone else is closer to each other.

The main source of shame I have at the moment are my interests. I think the worst one at the moment is the fact that I have started to collect barbie dolls. I feel embarrassed because I already feel kind of emotionally attached to them and because my mind labels it as childish, especially when I need or use them to emotionally decompress and comfort. Furthermore it feels really difficult to express this to anyone I know because I'm scared I  will be made fun of for it.  I feel like maybe I should not be paying for toys at the ripe old age of 20. I feel ashamed that I have OCs and draw them quite a lot because it feels weird. This is also difficult to share because I don't think most neurotypical people do this and and some of my OCs I'm either deeply connected to or are *** like furries which is quite out of the ordinary.  I feel awkward about some of my other interests too, such as how I have enjoyed shows like TADC and Helluva Boss in the past, listen to musicals, get obsessed with certain artists like Taylor Swift. I find it really difficult to ever share interests with others because I am worried people will see me as a massive weird or worse like a baby. Also because I have weirder interests it feels harder to connect with others in the conversation

I think I also feel ashamed because I feel so behind others socially. Like at the moment a lot of the time I hang out with people I feel like the third wheel, or the expendable one. I think this is because everyone else seems to be able to bounce off well with each other. A lot of the time if I am in a room with others I am the quiet voice. I also get a bit upset if people don't understand what I am saying. I have never been the person invited to parties and I almost resent others for that. I also am scared sometimes I am a bit yappy because sometimes I could tell others were irritated by me for asking too many questions. I also feel very anxious initiating things and social interaction can make me feel very uncomfortable at the moment.

Is there any tips that you guys could give me for help and support? Thank you very much either way!

Parents

  • Hi and welcome. I'm in my early 70s and recently diagnosed, so I understand the struggle to deal with that - and especially if you're at university, which is a time of your life when socialising is a deep need. 

    I'll second prof's excellent advice. I can give you some examples from my own life (although I didn't do these things consciously then). 

    Guarding interests - I spent most of my life reading voraciously, studying and writing. I hardly ever talked about the writing because I knew that most people would be bored by an author talking about their own work. I still don't talk much about it. Some of the things I studied or read crop up in very occasional conversations, but I try to keep stuff I know relevant to the conversation because I'm deathly afraid of being a bore and nearly always ashamed afterwards if I feel I've blurted out far more information than the other person wanted. I tend to keep the things I have that will freak other people out hidden away in one room in my house, not on view to other people except close friends I trust.

    Researching interests - I spent some years as a seniorish trade union rep and fiorced myself to keep up with some football, as most of the people I was in meetings with were men and most of them seemed to be avid football fans. I didn't deeply research things, just enough to know which teams were in the premier league and how well they were doing.

    Asking questions about things people are interested in always goes down well. I've never perfected it but I can get by. One thing I did that really helped me was to read a few books on counselling, as they gave me a lot of help on listening skills and also identifying typical psychological defenses people have. if you like, the red flags that warned me when to steer clear of soimething and how to ask questions without asking them. Stuff like picking up on the tone people use when talking about things, so I could say "that sounds awful. What did you do?" or "are you OK with that?" Mild things that invite people to talk about the impact something has on them.

  • in reply to Alexa

    It's funny isn't it, you have to strike just the right balance. I remember when I started a new school. I heard that asking people questions about themselves was polite and people usualy like it. I asked what I thought was a few questions. The feedback I got back later was the person didn't like me as they thought I was too nosey! Joy

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