The "what if" kicked in

I don't have a formal diagnosis, and I've been a member of this community since 2017, so don't worry - whatever the result is, you will still be very welcome here. You are a valued member of the forum.

Alien0n3arth said:

No, I don't need any proof of anyone having diagnosis here. You state it- I believe.

There you go! Same here, AlienOn3arth. If you say you believe you are Autistic, then I believe it, too.

No, I don't need any proof of anyone having diagnosis here. You state it- I believe.  If someone is lying, it's on their own remorse. 

My mom lied to me my whole life, gaslight me and it left me somehow frustrated.  But at least now I'm closer to the truth.

As an armchair psychologist, I would be shocked if you would get a negative, given situations you have brought up in previous threads. My opinion is that if you did get a negative, that would be a serious misdiagnosis and the diagnostician should be ashamed of themself. That’s an unprofessional opinion though, lol.

As Cinnabar_wing and Alexa have mentioned, imposter syndrome is such a common experience for us Autistics. Particularly if you have family denying it or you find that there are many ways you can function “normally.” Be assured that even if you got a negative, your input is still valid on this forum. Self-identifying is perfectly fine.

Think about it this way: Who on here would even know what diagnoses you have? Are you certain that I have one or not? I claim to, but do I have proof? Should I give proof? (I hope your answer to the last question is no, because I have no intention of submitting paperwork to NAS lmao)

In my case taking it to extreme would put me back on meds or hospital so I better don't do it. But thank you for advice. This is the only place I feel that I fit in and feel understood.

You seem to fit in fine as far as I'm concerned.

If I get an attack of the what ifs, I take it to ridiculous extremes, like what if the sky fell on our heads? I find taking things to the ridiculous helps calm me.

Thank you, yes it's a good comparison- like a round peg in a round hole. First time in my life. 

In fact I don't take much part in conversations here and feeling little guilty about it, but it's for me overwhelming. So I take as much part as I can.

Alien0n3arth said:

If I can stay here regardless of the outcome, then it would be much easier. I know, that nobody would kick me out, but knowing, that I occupy space for autistic people while not being on the spectrum would not let me stay here. 

If you self-identify, then you're right here. It doesn't matter what a psychologist says. And there's plenty of space - it's not as though the forum has a limit to membership numbers.

I know you'll think I don't get it, but I do: it's how you feel about it. But if this community makes you feel you're a round peg in a round hole, then that's confirmation enough.

Thank you, Cinnabar_wing  yes, my friends give me joy and relax. They don't make noise or chaos, that's the most beautiful thing. I think I could also show the psychologist my profile on here. I do have collected documentation. From the emails I exchanged with them (prefers mx) I understand that she is fully aware of issues with dismissive and manipulative parents and is fine with me not having informant. I collected as much records as I could but medical records from my early - pre school age are missing, because my mom threw them out. Here I have only emails from other family member about me how I was when I was little. I don't talk to that person anymore. 

Thank you, Alexa  yes, I know that some people have after -diagnosis imposter. Some people suggest getting a second opinion,  but honestly I have no power for such things. Whatever outcome will be now- I will take it. If I can stay here regardless of the outcome, then it would be much easier. I know, that nobody would kick me out, but knowing, that I occupy space for autistic people while not being on the spectrum would not let me stay here. 

The difference between this forum and other places is that elsewhere (space for non autistic people), people don't understand me, ignore me or call schizophrenic or just insane, when I share a theory or my little world. While schizophrenia is a serious illness, they use it as an offense. It never happened here. I may not find anyone who has the exact same special intrest as me, but I feel understood and that's important. Thank you.

this is normal pre-assessment jitters. I was exactly the same. I collected too much information - the psychologist looked at things that took me by surprise when she brought them up. After I had the diagnosis, it took a while to be free from of imposter syndrome, too. I didn't understand why others said they had it afterwards, but I understood when I ended up wondering whether the psychologist had got things wrong and I wasn't autistic, after all.

Sometimes, the psychologist does get it wrong, which is so destructive for people when they say it isn't autism. It doesn't mean it isn't - no medic is perfect. Don't worry either way - it won't make an ounce of difference about your presence here.  

Assessments can cause so much anxiety, the 'What if's are really hard. I think though you've done the right thing by writing about it and taking some time to do something you enjoy, with taking photos of your dolls with your paintings. They are really lovely and bring your friends to life. I can imagine the second last one especially, they really look like they are walking along talking about something big and important, like one of your theories. It is difficult not to worry at all, but doing things to keep calm is a good idea, you seem to have done lots of good prep work.