Heart Sink Words and Subjects

"Should" and "ought to". Oh, and "why didn't you..." or "it's a shame you did that".

My unspoken reaction is Are you serious? Eff off.

Oh, how terrible! I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

I'm so sorry, for what you've been through.

I can relate to your struggles in accepting credit, but being able to give it to others. I think it is easier sometimes to see the good in others than it is internally. 

Four months ago I lost everything in own and my pet cat in a fire, every time someone brings it up I freeze.

Also pride, I know I wrote a post about pride, but I really struggle to have pride in anything, even when someone praises me. I always let and give credit to others and never take any credit for myself

But that is the difficulty isn't it - we can't cater for every situation. So for those of us who find it inherently difficult, that situation we aren't prepared for can be the thing that tips the entire evening. This happening again and again causes anxiety to build. Yes with a lot of work things may improve but that doesn't mean that every person on this earth is going to feel comfortable at a wedding.

I absolutely understand that you wanted to give advice based on your experiences and that is valid. But sometimes when advice is written so simply as a "you just need to" that can add to the invalidation so many of us have spent our lives feeling and adds to the feeling of inadequacy because we know from our life experiences that there is no just with autism. Sometimes it is just hard.

Sometimes people don't want a solution. They just want some understanding that something is difficult for them.

Expecto_Patronum said:

Subtleties in language, body language and facial expressions etc can be very hard for autistic to pick up on.

This is true of every social interaction in life. I gave a pointer specifically for weddings as was asked for. If anyone needs help with the basic social interactions then that is a whole different issue and probably needs a coach to train the rules and roleplay situations to help build confidence.

You can never cater for every potential situation either at wedding or in the rest of life. The best you can do  is educate yourself on the majority and wing it from there. This is how NTs do it and I found that with learning enough about the rules then it makes winging it much easier.

Expecto_Patronum said:

Multiple way conversation would be an example for me

I get this. For me I wait until someone asks me about something otherwise tend to stay out of contributing. I tend to be knowledgable in the areas where I socialise and this makes it more likely that I get brought into the conversation. For the likes of weddings it is all about scripting, looking generally happy (masking) and escaping now and then for a quick meditate to keep my anxiety from spiking.

It was harder to do this when it was my own wedding mind you...

Avoiding anything contentious is the safest thing to do - be supportive and pleasant and that is about as much as is expected of a guest.

I also found that learning to not care about what other people thought about me was a huge help - I stopped worrying it I would upset someone but still avoided the subjects that were likely to do this.

If you look at the mistakes you have made in conversations in the past, look at the general etiquette and rules around social interactions then the general understanding of what to do is there and if you can regulate yourself then interactions become easier - although never effortless. 

It is a process but if you do want or need to have these interactions then this is the simplest way I can think of to do it.

I agree with the goals and ambitions. I can never think of any. That was something that made me anxious when I did CBT. At least when I have my appraisal at work now they accept no.

I think you are very much over simplifying the weddings part Iain. Reading about something, even knowing the rules of something and being able to understand and put it into practice in real life are very different things. Subtleties in language, body language and facial expressions etc can be very hard for autistic to pick up on. So having read the rules wouldn't help you to be aware of this in the moment. Reading rules also doesn't allow for every single possible scenario. You may think you've prepared yourself but then something different happened and you feel completely overwhelmed. It may be easy for you to learn from reading the rules but that doesn't make it easy for everyone.

Multiple way conversation would be an example for me. I know what the rules and the concept are. Take turns etc. But I can't for the life of me work out when it is my turn or how I can insert myself into the conversation. It is a minefield to me.

I think it's anything friendship related for me. I've failed at every friendship I've ever had and have basically given up trying. Whenever people talk about friends or assume I actually have some I get that sinking feeling.

I agree with you on weddings. They are something I struggle with. Same with any big function to be honest. I struggle from what to wear to how to talk to people to how to avoid having to dance to how can I escape early-ish without seeming rude.

TheCatWoman said:

Reading things in a book dosent' mean you understand it

You say you have read a great deal about history in books and understood it so why do you think other subjects are challenging for you?

Do you think it could be a form of not wanting to understand it (at a subconscious level)?

Sorry if this you see me as hilarious but you ask a question that has a straightforward answer then ridicule me for giving the answer. Maybe I am being too (autistically) literal and taking your questions at face value.

The best answer to 'where do you see yourself in 5-10 years time?' Is, 'Sitting in your chair.' That shuts them up a bit.

I can't say I've ever enjoyed that sort of social either, like you say everybody knows everyone else, if they bring partners they all know each other too and I've always ended up sat there like gooseberry, until I'm sure everyones occupied and then I can slip away.

How hilarious Iain, what a master of the obvious you are!

If I knew what I wanted to do then I wouldn't have a problem would I?

I know I can read about wedding ettiquet, but I still wouldn't understand it on any meaningful level.

Reading things in a book dosent' mean you understand it, it's like AI, knowlege without wisdom.

TheCatWoman said:

WEDDINGS Is another, really get my social phobia going, its like entering a different culture where everyone knows the rules, except me and everybody expects that I should know them.

It is really easy to learn the rules if you do a little searching - sites like this lay it out in ways that are easy to understand:

https://www.fmweddingplanner.com/post/wedding-guest-etiquette

With things being this easy to access, people can learn them in minutes so would expect you to be able to do the same. 

Is there a reason you would be unable to find and understand these? I am genuinely curious.

TheCatWoman said:

One of those words is ACHIEVEMENT, never having had a sense of it and not understanding what it feels like

This is really just about working out what you want to do - typically to complete a task (eg planting veggies in the spring) or learning something (eg learning wedding etiquette) to a level you want. Once these things are done then you have achieved this objective / goal / task - whatever name you choose to give it.

Being able to reflect on the completion of this task and feel a degree of pride over it is typically what people feel when they achieve something. It is recognising your efforts made it happen and to give yourself a pat on the back mentally and it builds self confidence and self worth with repeated use.

These goals / ambitions do not need to be something you share with others - that can be as simple as eating healthily and avoiding the extra calories of treats if you want to lose weight, finishing a book that you are struggling to read, going to bed at the time you choose to set yourself or keeping your temper when dealing with someone who wind you up.

That is how I see it.

I get this, some words are hard to associate with yourself.

'Goals and ambitions' are like the typical nightmare interview questions 'where do you see your self in 5/10 years time'.... makes my stomach curdle as I'm not ambitious and you normally have to fake something. I don't even know what they want you to say to that, what is even appropriate? 

I'm okay with the wedding one, as I've not been to many, and then they were mostly small ones. (There was one I didn't go to due to anxiety and claimed car trouble).

The words 'work party' though make me feel like that, a combination of not normally being invited as a contractor so you just have to listen to everyone else talking about it, or actually being invited when you weren't expecting it, which then brings panic as you don't know anyone that well.