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Heart Sink Words and Subjects

TheCatWoman

There are certain words and topics that make my heart sink as soon as someone mentions them, followd by the sinking heart, are anxiety and depression, unless I can distract myself pretty quickly.

One of those words is ACHIEVEMENT, never having had a sense of it and not understanding what it feels like, I know I'm missing out on something most people find important. I don't get the dopamine hit that others do, instead I feel anxiety that someone will come and take it away, or that I've gotten away with it or otherwise flown under the radar.

Along with achievement are GOALS AND AMIBITIONS, I don't have any and never had, I don't know how to have them. They were never part of the world I grew up in, a goal was something that happened in football and I don't think amibitions were allowed, othere than to get married and have children.

WEDDINGS Is another, really get my social phobia going, its like entering a different culture where everyone knows the rules, except me and everybody expects that I should know them.

Parents

  • I might appear a bit Pollyanna at times (I wonder if that's why you don't seem to respond to my posts often? Or is this another misperception?], but I use the terms goals and ambitions as a sort of positivity [heartiness]; to disguise disappointment and anxiety. I get  huge amount of satisfaction in trying to help others, at this late stage in my life, by using my experiences. It took me literally decades but [mostly] I've learned to love myself. It's not easy - as an autistic I work at it as hard as I worked for MSC; if not harder. I made positivity my study, after hearing about mindfulness, Stoicism, and suchlike as tools to get there. That was when I had the bad idea of trying for an NHS career - about which I've often posted.

    I now see, or try to see, 'ambitions' and 'achievements' in small things, rather than dreaming of success in career, politics or any of the formal 'careers' I've attempted. I used to dismiss 'small' successes, for example learning to use a new piece of household equipment, or raising a new plant from seed. or plodding on when I feel like giving up on some new project. But now I've realized that a lot of 'small' adds up to something of which I CAN be proud. A bit like a necklace made up of many small beads. As I get older and the more I practice this art, the better I get. But somethings are so deeply ingrained, from childhood experience, I still find them difficult. i challenge myself over this every day.

  • in reply to Marianne72

    I don't always respond to your posts, because I'm afraid of upsetting you.

    I think for me not having a dopamine response to "achieving" things makes it very hard to know how to and what to plan for, I still don't knw what I want to do when I grow up and I'm 64. I was never encouraged to do anything when I was a child, in fact more the opposite, I was discouraged and barriers put in my way. Now I have lots of ideas and sort of mentally throw them up in the air and see if an opportunity arises from it and be reay to occupy that space, thats how I got into uni.

    I enjoy helping people too, but still get huge anxiety that I will get it wrong, but I seem to be fairly good at it, when I was counselling for example I think autism was an advantage as I saw things differently.

    There isn't any difference between large and small for me, only what makes me happy. Learning to be content and to love mysef has been a long hard journey and like you I still find things I need to challenge.

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  • in reply to Marianne72

    I don't always respond to your posts, because I'm afraid of upsetting you.

    I think for me not having a dopamine response to "achieving" things makes it very hard to know how to and what to plan for, I still don't knw what I want to do when I grow up and I'm 64. I was never encouraged to do anything when I was a child, in fact more the opposite, I was discouraged and barriers put in my way. Now I have lots of ideas and sort of mentally throw them up in the air and see if an opportunity arises from it and be reay to occupy that space, thats how I got into uni.

    I enjoy helping people too, but still get huge anxiety that I will get it wrong, but I seem to be fairly good at it, when I was counselling for example I think autism was an advantage as I saw things differently.

    There isn't any difference between large and small for me, only what makes me happy. Learning to be content and to love mysef has been a long hard journey and like you I still find things I need to challenge.

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