Birthday blues

I dread birthdays, honestly. It's a reminder that I'm getting older and the clock's ticking, and the presents are a nice consolation prize at least, but anyway, yeah.

That is a lovely idea and I will definitely consider that. I do like my birthdate (it’s very numerically beautiful lol), but yeah, a private birthdate might be nice change. Thank you for the advice!

Try changing your birthday date, then sneaking out with your nice family to where and what you want. Consider your 'birth' birthday like our King's official birthday, which is more of a public celebration. This way, it might not hurt as much, ie a 'state' occasion you have to endure, rather than a private celebration. I changed my birthday to American Independence day! And I always buy myself presents - at my adopted birthday and Christmas.

I HATE birthdays, particularly my own. Oh boy, I feel a rant coming on… Sorry!

My mother ruined it. Birthdays were awesome growing up because my mother would always make it a huge ordeal and shower us with a ridiculous amount of gifts (which looking back, was not wise given we had times of financial insecurity). I later found out this wasn’t necessarily for me, but rather to stroke her own ego. SHE was the true center of the parties, because SHE organized everything. Giving us so many gifts was an excuse to impulse buy and made her feel like a successful mother. However on the other hand, I do understand that another reason for this was that she was mistreated by her parents and very likely never received much gifts or ever had a party. So… I guess there was an aspect of her wanting us to have a better childhood, too. Still, I think that was only a small part of it.

Of course when I became a teen my birthdays gradually became less of big deal for her, especially since around that time she focused all of her attention on my sister (whom she lived vicariously through). I actually didn’t really realize it; I was probably too focused on chasing girls lol.

Now the one time I wanted to organize my own birthday celebration and make a big deal of it was my golden birthday at 25 years. I mean, even if that wasn’t my golden birthday, that’s a pretty pivotal age in my opinion. I wanted to go to a Brazilian steakhouse, having just been to a legit one in Brazil. It was the first time I ever made my own plan to celebrate my birthday. My mother threw the BIGGEST fit over it. She made it very clear that she does not want to try Brazilian food and made me feel guilty for planning that. So I changed it to what she wanted. I don’t remember my 25th birthday. It wasn’t special. It sucked.

The issue wasn’t that she didn’t want Brazilian. That was an excuse. We made it clear to her that at a steakhouse you can eat pretty much anything your heart desires. The problem was that she wanted control. Honestly? It probably wouldn’t have been such a big deal since birthdays already meant very little to me, but her selfish fit that month was when I started to recognize how narcissistic she is.

So since then I completely downplay my birthday. I’ve conditioned my mother to expecting that I will be willing to have a dinner with her and dad, but beyond that I will not have any additional celebration. If I am going to do something special, it’s just going to be with my girls and wife.

So that’s the main reason I hate my own birthday, but I’ve come to hate others’ as well. My in-laws make a big deal out of birthdays (though they don’t theme them or overload on presents like my mother, so that’s good). It’s just the same boring yet overstimulating party about once per month for EVERY SINGLE EXTENDED FAMILY MEMBER. Thankfully my wife understands how much I hate milling about in a crowded room, so she every so often gives me a free pass to skip some of them. But boy, the in-laws totally judge me for skipping out and they always comment on how anti-social I am at these gatherings. Yes, they know I’m Autistic. Do they understand that? Obviously not.

Oh and don’t get ME STARTED on Facebook. God, I’m so glad to be off of that hell. My mother spends her entire birthday reading off who wishes her a happy birthday on Facebook. She actually had the AUDACITY to complain for YEARS that I quit using Facebook, and it was solely for that reason. Yes, I text her happy birthday every year, even though I see her in person, but she needed her friends online to see me wishing her a happy birthday. Absolutely sickens me.

Sorry for the rant. I just have so many feelings!

When I was younger, I always had birthday parties. Because I always thought we all had to have a party. I really hated them; I never liked surprises. I'm always happy with a nice, quiet birthday. My parents and sister always thought it was weird that I never wanted to do anything for my birthday. They even went as far as to say, "You need to do something for your birthday", and that always made me feel bad. It's a different story now 

I always found both my birthday and Christmas difficult. My mother would say to me when I showed disinterest "But you have to, it's Christmas/New Year/your birthday.  I cannot cope with the (expected) change and disturbance in routine, I generally do not know what I want for a present and am not that keen on being the centre of attention and being expected to be excited and being unable to act excited. I don't do that sort of celebratory excitement but can get more excited by a particular colour or even rolling particularly a grape around a plate. 

Now I am much older and my partner understands that I am not really interested in birthdays, I have a casual birthday with a low key meal at home, etc.  

I do understand your Birthday Blues. 

Oscar

It's interesting to read your experiences, I've heard before that it can be common for ND folk to find present exchanges difficult, thank you for sharing!

I wonder if it's just been ingrained in me to do presents, as this is what everyone else does and it may take time for me to unpick this (only diagnosed this year).

I love getting presents, I think it makes me feel accepted and loved which may explain why I feel disappointed as I make such a big deal of this aspect in my head, particularly as I get older.

This may be a far deeper insecurity/behaviour that I've adopted to get by throughout my life!

You're obviously very kind, thoughtful, and well-prepared, which is lovely. I fear I'm going to sound mean in comparison! 

I would gladly stop buying and receiving birthday and Christmas presents if I could. Except, perhaps, with my partner - although that can be stressful, too.

I dread opening gifts in front of people. Despite my best efforts, I'm told that my face always makes it very clear when I feel disappointed with, or confused by, what I've received (even if only initially, before I've had time to think more about it). This obviously isn't very nice for the person who bought it, who probably thought I'd be thrilled with it. So I always dread the process, how my reactions might be perceived, and how much I might upset people, despite not meaning to. 

Although I don't have to buy many gifts, I also find that whole process very stressful. I don't see my parents or sibling for years at a time, and have no idea what they like, eat, wear, etc on a daily basis. Nor do they know what I might like. Or how much I should spend (eg how will it compare to what they've spent on me, this year?) And I have to remember to buy things, and ensure that they arrive on time. Which I'm not very good at.

Also, I don't visit shops, so I do send cards that are been pre-printed and sent to them directly (I know you appreciate that this more of a necessity for some than others). They know I don't visit shops. But I still worry about how those kinds of cards are received. 

I've tried to gently suggest the idea of stopping exchanging gifts with them, but without success. We did agree, at least, that it's OK for me to now buy each of them some of the same gifts every year. Even then, some of those are just gift cards. They've said this is absolutely fine, and they're very happy and grateful to receive those things. But I can't feel sure about that, either, so still worry about it.   

After my diagnosis, learning more about other forms of neurodivergence (which include autism, ADHD, and more) reassured me that I'm not alone in finding the whole process stressful, which was some comfort, at least.

There are also other reasons why giving and receiving gifts can be difficult for neurodivergent people. These pages, just for example, share some thoughts about them:

nest - Opening Presents: Why It Can Be Tricky for Neurodivergent Individuals – and How to Help

NeuroClastic - The Social Convention of Holiday Gifts: An Autistic Nightmare