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Birthday blues

Emilywho

Hey all!

How do people feel about birthdays?

I find that I get very excited in the days leading up to my birthday, even though I end up feeling disappointed every year.

I'm autistic so don't like surprises but there is always a part of me that expects some small surprise on my birthday; a delivery of some sort, a gift that someone has seen and thought of me (as opposed to asking me what I want).

I feel I always make an effort with other gifts for my family and one friend, making something or keeping an eye out during the year for something unique to them. Come to my birthday and I get asked what I want (the anxiety then creeps in, don't want to ask for something expensive, or too 'odd') and get just that.

Apart from my parents who never ask me, and I get an Amazon gift card or a bit of cash. I'm not ungrateful at all, it's more the lack of it being unique or special to me specifically.

My in laws are thoughtful with their gifts which makes me disappointed with my own parents gifts. 

Then there is apps like Moonpig. I hate them as personally, I feel if you are able (which my family are) get a card from the supermarket and handwrite it, don't get a computer to do it. I then got home yesterday to a Moonpig card.

I always make sure I get my friend's gifts ready ahead of time, knowing when we are next meeting up, even if a few weeks early, she gets her gift for her birthday. I don't get the same thoughtfulness, my gift this year will be weeks late.

I don't know, it might sound like I am very ungrateful, I just wonder is it an autistic thing to make more of an effort with others than they do for you? I remember all birthdays, even those of people from school who I haven't seen in 20 years. But every year, I end up feeling somewhat deflated. It's not really about the gifts I guess, more the effort and thought behind them.

Is it a neuro diverse thing?

Parents

  • You're obviously very kind, thoughtful, and well-prepared, which is lovely. I fear I'm going to sound mean in comparison! 

    I would gladly stop buying and receiving birthday and Christmas presents if I could. Except, perhaps, with my partner - although that can be stressful, too.

    I dread opening gifts in front of people. Despite my best efforts, I'm told that my face always makes it very clear when I feel disappointed with, or confused by, what I've received (even if only initially, before I've had time to think more about it). This obviously isn't very nice for the person who bought it, who probably thought I'd be thrilled with it. So I always dread the process, how my reactions might be perceived, and how much I might upset people, despite not meaning to. 

    Although I don't have to buy many gifts, I also find that whole process very stressful. I don't see my parents or sibling for years at a time, and have no idea what they like, eat, wear, etc on a daily basis. Nor do they know what I might like. Or how much I should spend (eg how will it compare to what they've spent on me, this year?) And I have to remember to buy things, and ensure that they arrive on time. Which I'm not very good at.

    Also, I don't visit shops, so I do send cards that are been pre-printed and sent to them directly (I know you appreciate that this more of a necessity for some than others). They know I don't visit shops. But I still worry about how those kinds of cards are received. 

    I've tried to gently suggest the idea of stopping exchanging gifts with them, but without success. We did agree, at least, that it's OK for me to now buy each of them some of the same gifts every year. Even then, some of those are just gift cards. They've said this is absolutely fine, and they're very happy and grateful to receive those things. But I can't feel sure about that, either, so still worry about it.   

    After my diagnosis, learning more about other forms of neurodivergence (which include autism, ADHD, and more) reassured me that I'm not alone in finding the whole process stressful, which was some comfort, at least.

    There are also other reasons why giving and receiving gifts can be difficult for neurodivergent people. These pages, just for example, share some thoughts about them:

    nest - Opening Presents: Why It Can Be Tricky for Neurodivergent Individuals – and How to Help

    NeuroClastic - The Social Convention of Holiday Gifts: An Autistic Nightmare

Reply

  • You're obviously very kind, thoughtful, and well-prepared, which is lovely. I fear I'm going to sound mean in comparison! 

    I would gladly stop buying and receiving birthday and Christmas presents if I could. Except, perhaps, with my partner - although that can be stressful, too.

    I dread opening gifts in front of people. Despite my best efforts, I'm told that my face always makes it very clear when I feel disappointed with, or confused by, what I've received (even if only initially, before I've had time to think more about it). This obviously isn't very nice for the person who bought it, who probably thought I'd be thrilled with it. So I always dread the process, how my reactions might be perceived, and how much I might upset people, despite not meaning to. 

    Although I don't have to buy many gifts, I also find that whole process very stressful. I don't see my parents or sibling for years at a time, and have no idea what they like, eat, wear, etc on a daily basis. Nor do they know what I might like. Or how much I should spend (eg how will it compare to what they've spent on me, this year?) And I have to remember to buy things, and ensure that they arrive on time. Which I'm not very good at.

    Also, I don't visit shops, so I do send cards that are been pre-printed and sent to them directly (I know you appreciate that this more of a necessity for some than others). They know I don't visit shops. But I still worry about how those kinds of cards are received. 

    I've tried to gently suggest the idea of stopping exchanging gifts with them, but without success. We did agree, at least, that it's OK for me to now buy each of them some of the same gifts every year. Even then, some of those are just gift cards. They've said this is absolutely fine, and they're very happy and grateful to receive those things. But I can't feel sure about that, either, so still worry about it.   

    After my diagnosis, learning more about other forms of neurodivergence (which include autism, ADHD, and more) reassured me that I'm not alone in finding the whole process stressful, which was some comfort, at least.

    There are also other reasons why giving and receiving gifts can be difficult for neurodivergent people. These pages, just for example, share some thoughts about them:

    nest - Opening Presents: Why It Can Be Tricky for Neurodivergent Individuals – and How to Help

    NeuroClastic - The Social Convention of Holiday Gifts: An Autistic Nightmare

Children
  • in reply to Bunny

    It's interesting to read your experiences, I've heard before that it can be common for ND folk to find present exchanges difficult, thank you for sharing!

    I wonder if it's just been ingrained in me to do presents, as this is what everyone else does and it may take time for me to unpick this (only diagnosed this year).

    I love getting presents, I think it makes me feel accepted and loved which may explain why I feel disappointed as I make such a big deal of this aspect in my head, particularly as I get older.

    This may be a far deeper insecurity/behaviour that I've adopted to get by throughout my life!