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A general feeling of lingering confusion

aurelis

Does anyone else get a general sense of confusion. Like you’re trying to make sense of things, and you think you are, and then you really aren’t making sense of things.

One of the things I felt when masking is that I was processing things when actually I wasn’t at all, and later you feel that it doesn’t make sense. Or you’re trying to figure out how you feel only to not be quite sure of how you feel. 

it might be because of trying to match how I feel to how I see others feel, and then not realising it’s not matching how I actually feel. 

it makes me feel strange being in even amongst people with good intentions, because I’m not quite sure how to think. Sometimes , or often, it feels like there was a test I was meant to study for beforehand, and I didn’t study for it properly, and now I’m trying to scramble to write down the answers so there are atleast answers in the boxes.

Parents

  • I feel like you took the thoughts right out of my head! 

    I used to feel like I "got it" , but realise now I was masking and had just convinced myself. In reality, I didn't know why I smiled back at people, or felt obliged to hold eye contact. I didn't know why copying the mannerisms of those around me seemed to help me fit in. I didn't know why I felt the need to shut up in most social situations but knew it was better than when I opened my mouth and offended someone for saying something I thought was obvious. Since my diagnosis I realized that everything I thought I knew, was actually me just masking to get through life. 

    The I realized I don't even know what "excitement" or "happiness" actually is. Not because I'm depressed or anything like that, but because I literally can't seem to figure out if what I am feeling, lines up with the emotional trajectory other people have. 

    Then there is social "norms" ..... non of them make sense to me. Why do we do what we do in the way we do it? I genuinely feel like a flipping alien sometimes. I used to think that feeling was loneliness, but I am surrounded by people that love me, so I now realise I was wrong about that! 

    Dr Luke Beardon summed it up quite nicely, and forgive me for paraphrasing. But he said something along the lines of "if you put a cat, in a kennel, it would not fit in. Not because there is anything wrong with it, it's a perfectly good cat. But in an environment like a kennel, it would feel out of place" . That for me explains the confusion. Our brains are in am environment that does not always suit it, not because there is anything wrong with us though! 

  • in reply to TwelveTwelve

    thank you for sharing this. I think the fact we feel that we need to “get it” must be a more common experience, and comes from a feeling I suppose that we feel that we are lacking somehow, and “getting it” means that we feel human like everyone else? 

    I dunno I might be waffling. I feel the same as you with thinking it’s loneliness and it’s not. I’ve had so much love from people too. 

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  • in reply to TwelveTwelve

    thank you for sharing this. I think the fact we feel that we need to “get it” must be a more common experience, and comes from a feeling I suppose that we feel that we are lacking somehow, and “getting it” means that we feel human like everyone else? 

    I dunno I might be waffling. I feel the same as you with thinking it’s loneliness and it’s not. I’ve had so much love from people too. 

Children
  • in reply to aurelis

    I think you are exactly right. Us "getting it" is probably just our brains trying to relate to its environment. 

    Since I got diagnosed I have wondered if the loneliness is more of an absence of frequent connection. By that I mean, I can be around people all day, but non of them think like I do, so it creates a disconnect which I may be interpreted as loneliness, despite an abundance of love at home, once I leave the house, I feel like I should be in a ufo and painted green!