A general feeling of lingering confusion

Thanks for sharing. When I have slower days, where I’m not trying to keep up with the speed of life, I feel a lot more aligned. Then ironically, I’ll feel guilty for not keeping up with the pace of life.

The thing is, I observed this when working with colleagues at an event over the weekend. The contradiction of wanting to socialise with everyone and feel part of the group, but not wanting to socialise because I didn’t have the capacity to keep up with it. I feel lonely, and trying harder to fit in to the conversation makes me feel even more so. 

exactly this!

I think you are exactly right. Us "getting it" is probably just our brains trying to relate to its environment. 

Since I got diagnosed I have wondered if the loneliness is more of an absence of frequent connection. By that I mean, I can be around people all day, but non of them think like I do, so it creates a disconnect which I may be interpreted as loneliness, despite an abundance of love at home, once I leave the house, I feel like I should be in a ufo and painted green! 

I often struggle to know whether my mind is confused at some task, or depression got worse, or I didn't eat well, or it is bad sleep. All I know is "I am puzzled and feel weak".

It is worse around others. It is also bad through instant messaging. Both involve fast-paced communication, where intent and feelings are harder to figure out (both in others and within myself).

Conversely, it happens less to me with slower communication. I almost always select email over phone when I can choose a preferred form of communication.

But the feeling of confusion is frequent for me, and at times constant.

thank you for sharing this. I think the fact we feel that we need to “get it” must be a more common experience, and comes from a feeling I suppose that we feel that we are lacking somehow, and “getting it” means that we feel human like everyone else? 

I dunno I might be waffling. I feel the same as you with thinking it’s loneliness and it’s not. I’ve had so much love from people too. 

Great point! I definitely focus on the things that make me feel different!

The cat would probably feel afraid to as its in a place designed for creatures that famously don't get on together.

Sometimes not feeling the same things as others can be a strength, it can allow you to cut through what they're all feeling and act in a helpful way, that might be dealing with emergency services, it could be that very British thing of if in doubt make tea. I'm sure there are plenty of things where you do feel the same as others, disgust at child abuse and neglect, warm funny laughter at an animal doing something daft or human looking, but you notice these less because you concentrate on the things you don't feel you share

I feel like you took the thoughts right out of my head! 

I used to feel like I "got it" , but realise now I was masking and had just convinced myself. In reality, I didn't know why I smiled back at people, or felt obliged to hold eye contact. I didn't know why copying the mannerisms of those around me seemed to help me fit in. I didn't know why I felt the need to shut up in most social situations but knew it was better than when I opened my mouth and offended someone for saying something I thought was obvious. Since my diagnosis I realized that everything I thought I knew, was actually me just masking to get through life. 

The I realized I don't even know what "excitement" or "happiness" actually is. Not because I'm depressed or anything like that, but because I literally can't seem to figure out if what I am feeling, lines up with the emotional trajectory other people have. 

Then there is social "norms" ..... non of them make sense to me. Why do we do what we do in the way we do it? I genuinely feel like a flipping alien sometimes. I used to think that feeling was loneliness, but I am surrounded by people that love me, so I now realise I was wrong about that! 

Dr Luke Beardon summed it up quite nicely, and forgive me for paraphrasing. But he said something along the lines of "if you put a cat, in a kennel, it would not fit in. Not because there is anything wrong with it, it's a perfectly good cat. But in an environment like a kennel, it would feel out of place" . That for me explains the confusion. Our brains are in am environment that does not always suit it, not because there is anything wrong with us though!