A general feeling of lingering confusion

I feel like you took the thoughts right out of my head! 

I used to feel like I "got it" , but realise now I was masking and had just convinced myself. In reality, I didn't know why I smiled back at people, or felt obliged to hold eye contact. I didn't know why copying the mannerisms of those around me seemed to help me fit in. I didn't know why I felt the need to shut up in most social situations but knew it was better than when I opened my mouth and offended someone for saying something I thought was obvious. Since my diagnosis I realized that everything I thought I knew, was actually me just masking to get through life. 

The I realized I don't even know what "excitement" or "happiness" actually is. Not because I'm depressed or anything like that, but because I literally can't seem to figure out if what I am feeling, lines up with the emotional trajectory other people have. 

Then there is social "norms" ..... non of them make sense to me. Why do we do what we do in the way we do it? I genuinely feel like a flipping alien sometimes. I used to think that feeling was loneliness, but I am surrounded by people that love me, so I now realise I was wrong about that! 

Dr Luke Beardon summed it up quite nicely, and forgive me for paraphrasing. But he said something along the lines of "if you put a cat, in a kennel, it would not fit in. Not because there is anything wrong with it, it's a perfectly good cat. But in an environment like a kennel, it would feel out of place" . That for me explains the confusion. Our brains are in am environment that does not always suit it, not because there is anything wrong with us though! 

I feel like you took the thoughts right out of my head! 

I used to feel like I "got it" , but realise now I was masking and had just convinced myself. In reality, I didn't know why I smiled back at people, or felt obliged to hold eye contact. I didn't know why copying the mannerisms of those around me seemed to help me fit in. I didn't know why I felt the need to shut up in most social situations but knew it was better than when I opened my mouth and offended someone for saying something I thought was obvious. Since my diagnosis I realized that everything I thought I knew, was actually me just masking to get through life. 

The I realized I don't even know what "excitement" or "happiness" actually is. Not because I'm depressed or anything like that, but because I literally can't seem to figure out if what I am feeling, lines up with the emotional trajectory other people have. 

Then there is social "norms" ..... non of them make sense to me. Why do we do what we do in the way we do it? I genuinely feel like a flipping alien sometimes. I used to think that feeling was loneliness, but I am surrounded by people that love me, so I now realise I was wrong about that! 

Dr Luke Beardon summed it up quite nicely, and forgive me for paraphrasing. But he said something along the lines of "if you put a cat, in a kennel, it would not fit in. Not because there is anything wrong with it, it's a perfectly good cat. But in an environment like a kennel, it would feel out of place" . That for me explains the confusion. Our brains are in am environment that does not always suit it, not because there is anything wrong with us though! 

The cat would probably feel afraid to as its in a place designed for creatures that famously don't get on together.

Sometimes not feeling the same things as others can be a strength, it can allow you to cut through what they're all feeling and act in a helpful way, that might be dealing with emergency services, it could be that very British thing of if in doubt make tea. I'm sure there are plenty of things where you do feel the same as others, disgust at child abuse and neglect, warm funny laughter at an animal doing something daft or human looking, but you notice these less because you concentrate on the things you don't feel you share