Being "Ghosted" is confusing and hurts

Hi Maja, I'm sorry this has happened to you. Reading your message made me think back about my personal friendships in general. I certainly found friendships easier in childhood, but most things were less complex back then. During my mid teenage both my best friends emigrated with their families within same year and, thinking about it now, I never really made new friends since. I've had some rather superficial acquaintances at uni and work, but those not survived distances and time zones. As I moved around lots for my job, I just stopped even trying eventually. I've been living now in the same place for ten years (quitting work to care for my child didn't help there either) and haven't made a single new friend (apart from some acquaintances that I see sometimes during dog walks where I do have a rare chance to exercise art of a small talk). I think, in essence, it all comes down to how much in common people have (someone mentioned that already!), how personalities match and, in some cases, how different cultures can align (as growing up in different environments, circumstances and cultures may be an obstacle for matching certain social expectations or rules). If I was to start looking for new social contacts I'd try (special interest) hobby groups or forums, as it gives that common ground from where communication can be expanded from. Or, perhaps, something like a walking group.

Dear Maja,

I can see you have already has some really supportive replies from the community. I hope this helps you know that you are not alone with these experiences but I know that it doesn't make it any easier to have had this happen. 

I also wanted to share a link to our Autism Services Directory as you may be able to find some social groups or activities that have opportunities to create relationships within your local area. 

I really hope that some of these wonderful responses are helping you. The community is here for you. 

Take care,

Olivia Mod

I used to write my letters in a word document and printed it out. Used stickers for the letter and envelope. Only hand written when had an eye infection in 2021 (I was living in the flintstones era);

One year, I sent out 4 Christmas cards and got 3 back (one of the pen pals vanished); last year sent 3 Christmas cards and 1 back (2 vanished);

Now I'd gained 2 pen pals on the forum and we exchange messages on Facebook. Digital letters is quick, and saves on postage.

As someone very isolated I've had penpals (paper/snail mail up until this year, and not going back) and online friends all my life. I can empathise so much with your post. "Postage costs and failed deliveries made me wish I hadn’t done postal in the first place sometimes." I relate to this the most, very much so. So many lost items. So much money. So much time.

It's a brutal double edged sword, because when it's going great it's amazing and the lows are harrowing. My last friend "lost" my last letter when they were inebriated on a week off work. All handwritten (despite my autism making my hands ache like hell). Pictures printed. Cute stickers. All for naught.

When the people you truly love ghost you, you always feel so small. So weak and small. Just typing this infuriated me, I can't lie. And the dark part is I always did it for fellow autistic so they wouldn't feel as lonely and isolated in the world that I did.

Credit to you for doing it for so long and with so many. It's a hobby that demands a lot, that's for sure.

I found school friendships easier for the reason you find work friendships easier. But yes, ghosting is awful and it seemed to happen to me the most in my teens, seriously, it just seemed to be a period from 2016/2019 where no one wanted to even look at me. As time has gone I feel I can judge people pretty easily now on if they'll be a future "ghoster" or not. Looking how they interact with others or listening about how they interact with others is a good barometer for me at least. 

I was once a volunteer for several years at an organization, the chairman/boss there had awful, truly awful communication skills, and for the longest time I assumed he hated me as he was that bad at even answering yes or no questions. As time went on, I just realized for better or worse that's how he was wired up and he wasn't doing it out of spite. Doesn't mean what he did was right, but sometimes it's just how people are even if you spend hundreds of hours and hundreds of pounds with them. As I said doesn't make it right at all, but at least solace can be found in knowing it's not always something personal.

I can really relate to being ghosted. With pen friends it feels heavier because of the letters, stamps, and time.

2002-2025: One friend suddenly stopped writing. Her parents had died and she’s partially sighted, like her mum and dad were. I think she has a support worker now. Last I heard was a Christmas card in Dec 2024 saying "sorry I haven’t been in touch".

2018-2022: I thought I’d found a good pen friend. Then it shifted. She started sending gifts and money "as thanks for being my friend" and tried to move me onto Twitter. Later she told me about having celiac disease and being misdiagnosed, and that she’d quit her job. I felt it was getting unhealthy so I ended it.

 She sent my letter back torn up and said I’d used 2 hurtful words, which I didn’t. I later heard she was doing the same to other people. 

Last contact: Feb 2022.

2021-2022: Another pen friend with learning disabilities and a carer. She sent 4 letters, one photo, and a Christmas card. That was it. Last heard: April 2022.

Other experiences: 

I’ve also had someone treat me like a search engine, asking for medical advice and not understanding about money. She was in debt and I tried to help sort it. I ended that in Dec 2021 because she just ignored me.

Another friend had a brain tumour and her memory got worse. It was affecting her family living in her apartment. Thankfully she has support workers now. In Jan 2026 her support worker wrote me a thank you note saying she wants to send an online card and needs help with how.

Now: 

2006-2022 my Facebook got out of control. I took a break in 2023 and came back in 2024 with just a few people. 

For 2025-present I’m keeping everything limited. 

Fewer digital pen friends, more reliable ones, mostly women. 

Postage costs and failed deliveries made me wish I hadn’t done postal in the first place sometimes.

It’s been a domino effect. I get that people move on or get uncomfortable, but the not-replying part is hard.

Has anyone found a way to set boundaries early with pen pals so it’s more sustainable?

What you describe is, sadly, exactly the type of ghosting experience I struggle with. Not when there's natural movements of people in and out of others' lives, that I understand. It's the stuff you describe I relate to: the no sign and then reassurance and then ...  Nothing. 

And, totally, I obsess about these things for many months and feel intense and profound guilt. And merely giving me a reason... I could at least process that, better or worse... It's something.

Hi Maja,

Yes I get that - and it's hard to let things go right. I think it's even harder for autistic people to let things go, as I know for me - I have to understand why things happened so I can let them go and move on; or it just goes round and round in my head. When I get in these thought loops I say to myself - Acceptance and It is what it is and I am hoping it will help.

I lost a friend about 6 months ago that I really cared about. I messaged to apologise for my part in the misunderstanding;  a bit too long after the misunderstanding happened probably. I asked him to call when he was ready so we could talk about what happened. He sent a pleasant message to say he'd get back to me, but he never did. It is also sad when safe people become unsafe people. I made the mistake of telling the wrong person about my diagnosis - she replied, 'that explains why you don't like loud noises' and that was it. I replied - Nobody likes loud noises and it's actually a bit more than that. Another one bites the dust. I probably should have had a phone conversation rather than a text as they can always be misread. 

Maybe it just takes time to find the right people. How long I don't know lol - I'm 49. 

Maja the direction of friends in life will always be drawn to there own working careers and lifestyles outside of work possibly social settings and various other factors. Due to demands in there lifes they could be busy alot of the time.

Empathize and relate to a friend and there situation. friends will change over time moving job or your home can relocate you with different friends.

The more time you spend with friends the more you can relate to there life's  as not all autistics can do this it can cause a friendship to end quickly

There will always be someone out there who is on your wavelength and enjoys your company

Autism is a big spectrum but we all have the same condition 

Hope this helps

I've only really had one friend in my life, we lived close to each other and were in the same year at school. We saw each other every day and I think I spent more time in his house than I did my own. Eventually life started to get in the way (employment, girlfriends and other commitments) and we saw each other less and less. Just before COVID we just lost touch, I've tried to reach out but I get no reply.

I know I'm not the best at keeping in contact and I know others can struggle with that (as they think it's a snub or something)  but it's still difficult to take. 

I'm definitely more of a cactus type friend than an orchid, if it needs constant tending, it's not going to survive!

I'd like a (in real life)  friend, someone I could go for a coffee with and just have no expectations.

This has happened all my life, it is something I find very upsetting as I invest myself in someone I care about and trust. I think this can happen to anyone but autistic people are more likely to have this problem due to the double empathy problem. 

Maja said:

The short version is that I've been ghosted by friends - people I know in person - where I've had every indication that the friendship was going well and was solid, only to find that they either cut me off with little given reason, or simply vanish on me abruptly. 

me too

Still not sure why, still not sure if I did anything wrong