Being "Ghosted" is confusing and hurts

Wondered if this is a type of difficulty people here have experienced? 

The short version is that I've been ghosted by friends - people I know in person - where I've had every indication that the friendship was going well and was solid, only to find that they either cut me off with little given reason, or simply vanish on me abruptly. 

I've a history of mostly working, and find work relationships easier in the sense that I am meant to be there and am supposed to communicate with colleagues about work. As with so many accounts from autistic people, I too am rather baffled by a lot of social norms, and have my share of difficulties in developing and maintaining friendships in general. And I get how I can simply no be someone's 'cup of tea'. 

But what is painful, feels cruel, and erodes my fragile and hard worked at sense of esteem or worth is when I'll have known someone a year or more, had a series of meeting up and they've had a nice time (they report and are up for doing it again), and I think I've finally found a friendship that will last, and ... suddenly ... gone! 

Also, I know a lot of people are conscious of social conventions around hurting feelings and people may have reasons and choose not to tell me why they are ending it. But it would be so much kinder if I had some idea why, rather than being left guessing; often for many months or years and feeling I'm the fault. And that brings up shame and guilt, and resonates strongly with many insecurities I have. 

Parents
  • I can really relate to being ghosted. With pen friends it feels heavier because of the letters, stamps, and time.

    2002-2025: One friend suddenly stopped writing. Her parents had died and she’s partially sighted, like her mum and dad were. I think she has a support worker now. Last I heard was a Christmas card in Dec 2024 saying "sorry I haven’t been in touch".

    2018-2022: I thought I’d found a good pen friend. Then it shifted. She started sending gifts and money "as thanks for being my friend" and tried to move me onto Twitter. Later she told me about having celiac disease and being misdiagnosed, and that she’d quit her job. I felt it was getting unhealthy so I ended it.

     She sent my letter back torn up and said I’d used 2 hurtful words, which I didn’t. I later heard she was doing the same to other people. 

    Last contact: Feb 2022.

    2021-2022: Another pen friend with learning disabilities and a carer. She sent 4 letters, one photo, and a Christmas card. That was it. Last heard: April 2022.

    Other experiences: 

    I’ve also had someone treat me like a search engine, asking for medical advice and not understanding about money. She was in debt and I tried to help sort it. I ended that in Dec 2021 because she just ignored me.

    Another friend had a brain tumour and her memory got worse. It was affecting her family living in her apartment. Thankfully she has support workers now. In Jan 2026 her support worker wrote me a thank you note saying she wants to send an online card and needs help with how.

    Now: 

    2006-2022 my Facebook got out of control. I took a break in 2023 and came back in 2024 with just a few people. 

    For 2025-present I’m keeping everything limited. 

    Fewer digital pen friends, more reliable ones, mostly women. 

    Postage costs and failed deliveries made me wish I hadn’t done postal in the first place sometimes.

    It’s been a domino effect. I get that people move on or get uncomfortable, but the not-replying part is hard.

    Has anyone found a way to set boundaries early with pen pals so it’s more sustainable?

  • As someone very isolated I've had penpals (paper/snail mail up until this year, and not going back) and online friends all my life. I can empathise so much with your post. "Postage costs and failed deliveries made me wish I hadn’t done postal in the first place sometimes." I relate to this the most, very much so. So many lost items. So much money. So much time.

    It's a brutal double edged sword, because when it's going great it's amazing and the lows are harrowing. My last friend "lost" my last letter when they were inebriated on a week off work. All handwritten (despite my autism making my hands ache like hell). Pictures printed. Cute stickers. All for naught.

    When the people you truly love ghost you, you always feel so small. So weak and small. Just typing this infuriated me, I can't lie. And the dark part is I always did it for fellow autistic so they wouldn't feel as lonely and isolated in the world that I did.

    Credit to you for doing it for so long and with so many. It's a hobby that demands a lot, that's for sure.

Reply
  • As someone very isolated I've had penpals (paper/snail mail up until this year, and not going back) and online friends all my life. I can empathise so much with your post. "Postage costs and failed deliveries made me wish I hadn’t done postal in the first place sometimes." I relate to this the most, very much so. So many lost items. So much money. So much time.

    It's a brutal double edged sword, because when it's going great it's amazing and the lows are harrowing. My last friend "lost" my last letter when they were inebriated on a week off work. All handwritten (despite my autism making my hands ache like hell). Pictures printed. Cute stickers. All for naught.

    When the people you truly love ghost you, you always feel so small. So weak and small. Just typing this infuriated me, I can't lie. And the dark part is I always did it for fellow autistic so they wouldn't feel as lonely and isolated in the world that I did.

    Credit to you for doing it for so long and with so many. It's a hobby that demands a lot, that's for sure.

Children
  • I used to write my letters in a word document and printed it out. Used stickers for the letter and envelope. Only hand written when had an eye infection in 2021 (I was living in the flintstones era);

    One year, I sent out 4 Christmas cards and got 3 back (one of the pen pals vanished); last year sent 3 Christmas cards and 1 back (2 vanished);

    Now I'd gained 2 pen pals on the forum and we exchange messages on Facebook. Digital letters is quick, and saves on postage.