Being "Ghosted" is confusing and hurts

Wondered if this is a type of difficulty people here have experienced? 

The short version is that I've been ghosted by friends - people I know in person - where I've had every indication that the friendship was going well and was solid, only to find that they either cut me off with little given reason, or simply vanish on me abruptly. 

I've a history of mostly working, and find work relationships easier in the sense that I am meant to be there and am supposed to communicate with colleagues about work. As with so many accounts from autistic people, I too am rather baffled by a lot of social norms, and have my share of difficulties in developing and maintaining friendships in general. And I get how I can simply no be someone's 'cup of tea'. 

But what is painful, feels cruel, and erodes my fragile and hard worked at sense of esteem or worth is when I'll have known someone a year or more, had a series of meeting up and they've had a nice time (they report and are up for doing it again), and I think I've finally found a friendship that will last, and ... suddenly ... gone! 

Also, I know a lot of people are conscious of social conventions around hurting feelings and people may have reasons and choose not to tell me why they are ending it. But it would be so much kinder if I had some idea why, rather than being left guessing; often for many months or years and feeling I'm the fault. And that brings up shame and guilt, and resonates strongly with many insecurities I have. 

Parents
  • Hi Maja,

    Yes I get that - and it's hard to let things go right. I think it's even harder for autistic people to let things go, as I know for me - I have to understand why things happened so I can let them go and move on; or it just goes round and round in my head. When I get in these thought loops I say to myself - Acceptance and It is what it is and I am hoping it will help.

    I lost a friend about 6 months ago that I really cared about. I messaged to apologise for my part in the misunderstanding;  a bit too long after the misunderstanding happened probably. I asked him to call when he was ready so we could talk about what happened. He sent a pleasant message to say he'd get back to me, but he never did. It is also sad when safe people become unsafe people. I made the mistake of telling the wrong person about my diagnosis - she replied, 'that explains why you don't like loud noises' and that was it. I replied - Nobody likes loud noises and it's actually a bit more than that. Another one bites the dust. I probably should have had a phone conversation rather than a text as they can always be misread. 

    Maybe it just takes time to find the right people. How long I don't know lol - I'm 49. 

Reply
  • Hi Maja,

    Yes I get that - and it's hard to let things go right. I think it's even harder for autistic people to let things go, as I know for me - I have to understand why things happened so I can let them go and move on; or it just goes round and round in my head. When I get in these thought loops I say to myself - Acceptance and It is what it is and I am hoping it will help.

    I lost a friend about 6 months ago that I really cared about. I messaged to apologise for my part in the misunderstanding;  a bit too long after the misunderstanding happened probably. I asked him to call when he was ready so we could talk about what happened. He sent a pleasant message to say he'd get back to me, but he never did. It is also sad when safe people become unsafe people. I made the mistake of telling the wrong person about my diagnosis - she replied, 'that explains why you don't like loud noises' and that was it. I replied - Nobody likes loud noises and it's actually a bit more than that. Another one bites the dust. I probably should have had a phone conversation rather than a text as they can always be misread. 

    Maybe it just takes time to find the right people. How long I don't know lol - I'm 49. 

Children
  • What you describe is, sadly, exactly the type of ghosting experience I struggle with. Not when there's natural movements of people in and out of others' lives, that I understand. It's the stuff you describe I relate to: the no sign and then reassurance and then ...  Nothing. 

    And, totally, I obsess about these things for many months and feel intense and profound guilt. And merely giving me a reason... I could at least process that, better or worse... It's something.