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Accepting being autistic…knowing the limits are there forever

aurelis

Hi,

I’m slowly coming to the realisation that no matter how hard I try, I’m never going to get out of being autistic. I wish often that I could get rid of my autism, just so I can function normally. Even if it was to trade in some of my quirky behaviour and uniqueness of me just so I know I could be an adult. It feels like there’s a chasm between me and them, and no matter how hard i try, I can never get there. Even when I’m not hurt by neurotypicals and they’re friendly, I instantly feel inferior because I feel as if they’re normal, and won’t understand my strangeness. 

I sometimes get bursts of inspiration and drive, which last a few months, which give me confidence to feel as if I can compete on the same level as everyone else, and I can show up properly. The pride is from the feeling that I feel I’ve overcome my autism and conquered it. So when I burn out after, I feel despair. It’s like I’m always thinking I’ll hit that one thing that’ll impact me really deeply and change the course of who I am, give me an identity and help me feel a strong sense of direction.

More than anything, I just want to feel like I belong, without feeling that I’m trying so hard to do so. To feel that I can honestly switch off. I wish there was a switch to turn off my autism, so I can see the world for what it is rather than living in my daydreaming…

  • It seems to me you are doing better than you think.

    If you pace yourself you can do and function how you want. This is good, not failure.

    If you can accept using your energy a bit more purposefully, using it when it counts, and accept resting is necessary and part of it, not a failure, you can do what you want to.

    Work with yourself and not blame yourself. Don't feel guilty for resting.

    Everyone gets tired. You just don't see other people being lazy.

  • in reply to Dominic

    thanks for your message, I really appreciate it. I wish I knew how to give some encouragement, but I’m in the same boat. I struggle with low confidence and self worth too, and try to hide those things when I’m among neurotypicals, or anyone for that matter …

  • I really empathise with your feelings, as I really relate. I’ve always suffered with very low confidence/self worth so when I was diagnosed at 33  over a year ago, it literally brought my life crashing down , we still struggling but still here Heart️, I hope that one day I can just be comfortable with life and that I will be able to do and enjoy what I want to do.