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Accepting being autistic…knowing the limits are there forever

aurelis

Hi,

I’m slowly coming to the realisation that no matter how hard I try, I’m never going to get out of being autistic. I wish often that I could get rid of my autism, just so I can function normally. Even if it was to trade in some of my quirky behaviour and uniqueness of me just so I know I could be an adult. It feels like there’s a chasm between me and them, and no matter how hard i try, I can never get there. Even when I’m not hurt by neurotypicals and they’re friendly, I instantly feel inferior because I feel as if they’re normal, and won’t understand my strangeness. 

I sometimes get bursts of inspiration and drive, which last a few months, which give me confidence to feel as if I can compete on the same level as everyone else, and I can show up properly. The pride is from the feeling that I feel I’ve overcome my autism and conquered it. So when I burn out after, I feel despair. It’s like I’m always thinking I’ll hit that one thing that’ll impact me really deeply and change the course of who I am, give me an identity and help me feel a strong sense of direction.

More than anything, I just want to feel like I belong, without feeling that I’m trying so hard to do so. To feel that I can honestly switch off. I wish there was a switch to turn off my autism, so I can see the world for what it is rather than living in my daydreaming…

Parents

  • I find it weird. There are CEOs with autism that are very successful, yet I'm looking for reasons not to cull myself.

    I don't want kids and have no purpose for anyone in this world. I accidently form relationships and cut them off. A sad state of affairs.

    I don't bother anyone, but autism is a spectrum that depends on the individual. From what I've gathered, if you're a winner, then autism is just an obstacle that can be jumped over. Unfortunately, I'm not a winner.

  • in reply to NAS71232

    Dear NAS71232,

    Thank you for sharing your experiences with the community. It sounds like you have been struggling to cope recently, and I am sorry that you are being affected this way. I know that you shared some of the medical difficulties you have been having on your other post, I hope that some of the wonderful responses have helped you feel a little better. 

    The National Autistic Society does not currently operate a crisis or emergency service. If you’re finding it hard to cope or have thoughts of harming yourself, please seek help. If you feel you are at risk of immediate harm, dial 999 or contact one of the mental health crisis lines listed on our Urgent Help Page: 

    https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/help-and-support/urgent-help.  

    You could call your GP and ask for an urgent appointment – they can help you get the right support

    If it’s not an emergency but you’re still struggling, speaking to a health professional can help. If your GP is closed, you can call 111 for NHS support. In England, Wales and Scotland, you can now choose option 2 to speak directly with mental health professionals: https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/urgent-and-emergency-care-services/when-to-use-111/.  

    Other free, confidential support includes: 

    • Samaritans – Call 116 123, 24 hours a day 
    • SANEline – 0300 304 7000 (4.30-10.30pm daily)  
    • Shout – Text 85258, 24 hours a day 
    • Mind Infoline – 0300 123 3393 (Mon–Fri, 9am-6pm)  

     Remember, you deserve support and there are people who want to help. 

    Take care,

    Olivia Mod

Reply
  • in reply to NAS71232

    Dear NAS71232,

    Thank you for sharing your experiences with the community. It sounds like you have been struggling to cope recently, and I am sorry that you are being affected this way. I know that you shared some of the medical difficulties you have been having on your other post, I hope that some of the wonderful responses have helped you feel a little better. 

    The National Autistic Society does not currently operate a crisis or emergency service. If you’re finding it hard to cope or have thoughts of harming yourself, please seek help. If you feel you are at risk of immediate harm, dial 999 or contact one of the mental health crisis lines listed on our Urgent Help Page: 

    https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/help-and-support/urgent-help.  

    You could call your GP and ask for an urgent appointment – they can help you get the right support

    If it’s not an emergency but you’re still struggling, speaking to a health professional can help. If your GP is closed, you can call 111 for NHS support. In England, Wales and Scotland, you can now choose option 2 to speak directly with mental health professionals: https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/urgent-and-emergency-care-services/when-to-use-111/.  

    Other free, confidential support includes: 

    • Samaritans – Call 116 123, 24 hours a day 
    • SANEline – 0300 304 7000 (4.30-10.30pm daily)  
    • Shout – Text 85258, 24 hours a day 
    • Mind Infoline – 0300 123 3393 (Mon–Fri, 9am-6pm)  

     Remember, you deserve support and there are people who want to help. 

    Take care,

    Olivia Mod

Children
  • in reply to Olivia Mod

    Thank you Slight smile

    After I posted here about those thoughts months ago, my GP now always asks if I 've had suicidal thoughts every time I visit him.

    I got a call from another doctor and she asked me if I've had any dark thoughts.

    I used my main email address to sign up for the forum, so I guess I was asking for help.

    Thank you for reaching out. 

  • in reply to NAS71232

    Dear NAS71232,

    There is no need to apologise, you are welcome to share your feelings with the community. I just need to point you in the direction of the services that are able to support with these feelings. We are not linked with your GP we just advise to seek support from them when struggling. 

    I hope that things feel brighter soon. The community is here for you. 

    Take care,

    Olivia Mod

  • in reply to Olivia Mod

    Sorry Olivia.

    I over shared. People with autism think of suicide sometimes. I won't talk about it here anymore. Thank you for posting the links. I think I'll be honest when I see my GP next as he always asks if I have thought of it. The only way he could have known is from this forum. I didn't know posting here was linked to my GP.

    Sorry if I was negative. Have a nice weekend.