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Accepting being autistic…knowing the limits are there forever

aurelis

Hi,

I’m slowly coming to the realisation that no matter how hard I try, I’m never going to get out of being autistic. I wish often that I could get rid of my autism, just so I can function normally. Even if it was to trade in some of my quirky behaviour and uniqueness of me just so I know I could be an adult. It feels like there’s a chasm between me and them, and no matter how hard i try, I can never get there. Even when I’m not hurt by neurotypicals and they’re friendly, I instantly feel inferior because I feel as if they’re normal, and won’t understand my strangeness. 

I sometimes get bursts of inspiration and drive, which last a few months, which give me confidence to feel as if I can compete on the same level as everyone else, and I can show up properly. The pride is from the feeling that I feel I’ve overcome my autism and conquered it. So when I burn out after, I feel despair. It’s like I’m always thinking I’ll hit that one thing that’ll impact me really deeply and change the course of who I am, give me an identity and help me feel a strong sense of direction.

More than anything, I just want to feel like I belong, without feeling that I’m trying so hard to do so. To feel that I can honestly switch off. I wish there was a switch to turn off my autism, so I can see the world for what it is rather than living in my daydreaming…

Parents

  • Everyone has limits and limitations, ranging from the physical, falling over your own feet, or swimming like a brick, to the mental and emotional, like dyslexia and being a weepy person. But its not what you lack, its what you do with what you've got thats important, its easy to allow yourself to be disempowered by your limtations or the limits others place on you, but it dosen't mean you can't do great things within your limits. You will never be able to switch off your autism, but you can make it a strength, you can stop being ashamed of it and hiding it and you are living in the world as it is, none of us really know how others percieve the world, when I say 'look at that pink flower' how do I know that others are seeing the same colour as me? I don't, whats pink to me, might be totally different to them, it's consenus reality that we all see things the same way. So, you've a rich inner life, I think thats great and many would envy you that as its something they don't have, for whatever reason one of thier limits is the ability to imagine, to visualise.

Reply

  • Everyone has limits and limitations, ranging from the physical, falling over your own feet, or swimming like a brick, to the mental and emotional, like dyslexia and being a weepy person. But its not what you lack, its what you do with what you've got thats important, its easy to allow yourself to be disempowered by your limtations or the limits others place on you, but it dosen't mean you can't do great things within your limits. You will never be able to switch off your autism, but you can make it a strength, you can stop being ashamed of it and hiding it and you are living in the world as it is, none of us really know how others percieve the world, when I say 'look at that pink flower' how do I know that others are seeing the same colour as me? I don't, whats pink to me, might be totally different to them, it's consenus reality that we all see things the same way. So, you've a rich inner life, I think thats great and many would envy you that as its something they don't have, for whatever reason one of thier limits is the ability to imagine, to visualise.

Children
  • in reply to TheCatWoman

    thank you for this message of wisdom…I always look at things based on what I don’t have and wish to be someone who has those things I don’t have. I think first thing is to stop feeling ashamed, but it might mean turning off my mask and asking for certain supervisions, which I do sparingly.