This my personal view and apologies if it's distressing. It is too me!
As a person who struggles daily with the "what if I wasn't here" question and I also have the unfortunate knowledge of the ramifications of people making that decision.
It often feels that I'm caught in a strong tide that's trying to tear me away from my moorings. I've always considered and hoped that the lines that hold me in place will always be enough.
Someone I knew made the decision last year that his anchors weren't strong enough and he ended his life.
I hadn't really thought about this person in years but that event had a massive impact on the way I think about it and the way it would effect the people around me.
The pain you hold doesn't go just away, it's just magnified and transferred to the people left in the wake of that desperate sad event. It's like a ripple in a pool, it spreads out and touches the outer most reaches.The people left feel as they have failed, even though they may not have known it had gotten anywhere near that point.
It's not cowardice that makes us want the pain and noise to end, I suppose it could feel quite liberating and comforting that you have made that choice.
There has to be another way and it's never going to be easy but it is worthwhile.
So if you are like me, I'm here because of the people around me, that need me to be here. If you just want to listen to your favourite podcast or watch your favourite show. Please just keep doing that.
If you are really struggling, please find someone to talk to and something to hang onto, you will get through this. The end is the end and there's coming back from it.
I'm sorry if this was uncomfortable reading but it is something I live with daily.
I'm not going anywhere, I've got my battles to face and if you've read a post of mine from last week you'll know what it is.
Take care and be strong.
Love
Hergé
Hi Hergé
I really appreciate you sharing this.
What you wrote about the ripples it leaves behind really resonated with me.
I also have those dark thoughts sometimes and know that feeling of holding on because of the people we love. I have a son and even though he’s independent, I couldn’t leave that kind of pain with him.
Some nights can feel very heavy, but I’ve noticed the mornings are often a little kinder.
Sometimes just getting through the night is enough.
You’re not alone in those battles.
I’m really glad you’re still here and sharing, especially with everything you’re facing with your wife
Some nights can feel very heavy, but I’ve noticed the mornings are often a little kinder
You can argue yourself into a corner with black and white thinking, unpredictable and strong emotions, tiredness, burnout, stress, distorted perspectives, etc.
Just managing to wait a day can help. It is strange how thinking changes depending on what state you are in. What is more strange is how immersive it feels while in it. It is hard to see till it passes.
It is worth being aware that while thinking of escape is one thing, which I've fantasised about for over 45 years off and on, since I nearly died when 10, real red flags are thoughts of time, place and method. A plan is a problem. Knowing these are signs to step back and just wait, will help you at the lowest point. It does pass, even though you don't think it will.
When you have a good moment, log that moment. Remember it.
When you are down remember the good moments. You can have them again. You were the same person in the good moments. I say this to myself, it seems to work. You don't know what the future holds. You didn't think you would end up where you are now, so you don't know where you will end up in the future. Small unpredictable chance events change things.
I don't know if someone will object to this, it is written with good intentions, but I don't seem to think the same as others, even on here.
HiStuart333
I understand what you mean about how thoughts can feel very real and convincing when you’re in that state, and how different things can look once it passes.
I think the idea of waiting and remembering that those states do change is really important.
I also like what you said about noticing and holding onto the good moments.
It helps to know others understand these struggles.
Thank you for being so honest.
HiStuart333
I understand what you mean about how thoughts can feel very real and convincing when you’re in that state, and how different things can look once it passes.
I think the idea of waiting and remembering that those states do change is really important.
I also like what you said about noticing and holding onto the good moments.
It helps to know others understand these struggles.
Thank you for being so honest.
