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Just sad

Alien0n3arth

I feel a need for connection but can't really connect. Even in this forum. I want to feel pleasure, but with my meds I feel nothing. The win is that I don't have extreme stress and self harm anymore, but the sacrifice is losing love to my hobby. So it feels empty. I started functioning better at least from someone's perspective- it takes me less time to process information and respond- very important for my daughter. There is s big improvement with my repetitive behaviours.  Unfortunately there is not much improvement in my social skills, maybe only the thing that I can "take a bit more". So I can spend some more time with my loved ones without sensation of my brain shaking when others chat.

My daughters teacher keep encouraging me to make contact with other parents of other kids. But I have the stress like always: and what will we talk about? How should I approach them? I feel pressured to make friends. I red that social awkwardness of a parent may also influence the child's development. As for now my daughter is doing better and better. Im just tired. I feel not fully mature although I often hear, that im very logical. 

My therapist says I should be assessed for autism. I asked him if he has maybe any other suspected diagnosis,  but he said there is nothing else that would come to his mind. I'm scared of all this and I can't manage it. I still didn't find a clinic,  nobody responds to my calls and no callback. It's all too much. It feels like a pile of heavy books put on my head and I have to carry them. I'm also stressed because even if I find a diagnostic clinic, I might be refused because of not having informant. I do have some evidence of me having problems since my early childhood,  but there is noone to confirm it for me. I'm tempted to go private- especially because I want to get a citizenship of the country I'm living in, so not having the dx in the papers would be better option. I have savings,  I can pay it. But then there is a doubt- would they really properly diagnose me as they should or would I just get the diagnosis I pay for. I was misdiagnosed previously in my life and mistreated and I wouldn't like to go through that again. 

On other hand, maybe the evidence that I have and my memories would be enough for a private assessor. I have my school reports and what they show is quite a spikey profile, they state i was whiny (in summer camp) also well behaved and compliant. The biggest problem with them and all other papers that I have is that they are all in my first language. Not in German. So either I would have to pay for translations or the assessors would be fine with just seeing the originals and having it translated by Google. 

I'm relatively successful- I got married although I heard my whole childhood and youth,  that I wouldn't be good in this role. I graduated and have a job. Low wage job much below my qualifications but it's much better than not having any job. Without meds every single day is a huge stress for me, I cried at work in every company I worked for, it costs me a lot to go through the day, not to mask and appear normal. I'm often not taken seriously. 

I kinda feel like I should cry but there are no tears coming because I feel not enough to cry. I'm sorry for this quite long and probably pointless post. 

Thank you all for being here and for that I can be here part of this community. 

  • in reply to Alien0n3arth
    Alien0n3arth said:
    I heard many times, that there is something wrong with me, how is it possible that I (with my skills, knowledge and qualifications) can't find anything better

    That is a typical question asked by non-autistic people. They don’t understand and some don’t try to understand us. Such negative and unjustified comments can harm our mental health. That sort of thing had a profound impact on me and it was part of the reason why I wanted a diagnosis. I worried about receiving a negative diagnosis but decided I was feeling so bad anyway that it could have only a temporary effect in my mental health. In the end it absolved my guilt.

  • Hey, sorry you are feeling so sad at the moment. Losing your interests must be hard, they seemed do vibrant for you, but try to remember they will be that way again, geeky gothic guy seemed to have some good experience that you can feel them again, which is really promising. 

    I loved the videos you sent before, I watched them all. The one about Venus was crazy, what they thought they'd find to what they actually discovered! It shows how little we know about the universe and how even the best theories could be wrong. 

    When I was a kid I used to try imagine what alien life would look like, we they have the legs, would they look like cloud floating through the gas on Jupiter. The moons around the great gas planets in our system look like the most likely for life. Do many questions for Europa, and Titan. (You might have more up to date knowledge. 

    Do you read sci fi novels at all? I really liked Becky Chambers novels, for their quiet profound ideas about the universe. To be taught if fortunate is really good. I also like Adrian Tchaikovsky, his books are so weird and cool. 

    I'd love to hear more of your space ideas, even if you don't get the full satisfaction from it. X

  • in reply to ArchaeC

    Yes, I also red about the planets alignment! I hope I will see them.

    I heard many times, that there is something wrong with me, how is it possible that I (with my skills, knowledge and qualifications) can't find anything better. It's like that. In this current company my manager first wanted to make me his assistant because as he said I'm intelligent,  learning fast and doing good. But then he changed his mind. Because of my poor social skills and highly monotropic profile. I can't work on a higher position or full time. I wouldn't survive it. 

    The main thing I need the diagnosis for is being able to join local support group and hopefully some therapies. Ad it turns out, I struggle to understand emotions and intentions not only of strangers, but also of my husband and daughter.  Do it affects my parenting. I need someone to tell me that my daughter is able to do this or that, but she doesn't want to. Just an example. 

    There is one lady family assistant, she comes once a week and helps me and my daughter. I'm happy so far.

  • I don’t have anything to say that will be of practical help with your issues, but I’m glad you were able to say how you are. 

    I don’t know how the system for autism diagnosis works in your country, but I would hope that whichever route you would take, the diagnosis would be based on the US or European criteria, both of which are used in the UK. 

    Alien0n3arth said:
    there is a doubt- would they really properly diagnose me as they should or would I just get the diagnosis I pay for.

    Can you research ‘adult autism assessment’ to see what is available in your country and how the system works? Would your therapist have information on your options? Perhaps finding out would give you something tangible to focus on rather than uncertainty over the autism process. After that you could think about whether or not you want to be assessed … one thing at a time.

    Alien0n3arth said:
    Low wage job much below my qualifications

    That is a common thing for people in this community. Some people are better able to cope in a job below their qualifications, while some people want a job that fits their qualifications but there aren’t openings.

    I heard on the news that six planets are going to appear in the same part of the sky, at the same time on Sunday. Mercury, Venus, Saturn and Jupiter should be visible to the naked eye, but Uranus and Neptune will likely require binoculars or a telescope. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for a cloudless sky, but the odds are against it.

  • in reply to Geeky Gothic Guy

    Thank you for your response. I take Seronil (SSRI). My mental health aldo hot worse after significant changes and pregnancy.  I have one daughter and thank goodness I found out about autism before I agreed to more children.  I had massive problems with self Aggression as a teen, I had terrible meltdowns.  Later I managed them somehow. But after becoming mother seizures returned and other bad reactions and self harm. I had various examinations,  including heart examinations,  all doctors said everything physically is fine, it's neurological. I hope I can leave my meds after half year. I would like to be me again. It's weird- on one hand I suffer from being so much different,  on another hand I miss being myself.

  • Hello, I don’t have any advice, but I can relate in regards to meds and the lack of pleasure, wanting to cry and not being able to…I’m not sure what you’re taking, but mine is Risperidone and it made me so emotionally flat. I had 0 motivation, and enjoyment in things I once had was gone. I used to love photography and the buzz I’d get was just gone. I was existing and not living. I’m now only on a small amount now after tapering myself down, and enjoyment is coming back, as well as being able to cry…basically I’m feeling emotions again.

    I haven’t experienced many negative ones yet, I’m sure they’ll come, but I think I’d rather feel them as opposed to feeling nothing. If my paranoia comes back, I’ll just deal with it without.

    I used to self harm too, for a long time, like 20 years, although I did manage to stop pretty much a few years back before I even went on Risperidone. Don’t get me wrong, meds can help, but they can also make things go the other way too.

    Since 2001 I’ve been on some kind of antidepressant or anti psychotic, but between 2012 and 2017 I was med free, and looking back it was the best I’d ever been. It was only when I moved half way up the country, my grandad died, new job, losing friends, becoming a dad etc that I became depressed and started back on them again, then I got left on em till this day. I wasn’t diagnosed autistic back then, but had I known then, my depression returning could simply have been put down to the amount of change that was happening all at once.

    I always remember the Verve’s song “the drugs don’t work, they just make you worse” and personally I think it’s true to some extent. Anyway I’ve gone off one a bit, Ill stop rambling. All the best.

  • Hi, I'm sorry to hear you are still struggling to enjoy your hobbies. I hope that after you have been on the medication a bit longer, your brain will accommodate it better and you will start to get interested in things you like again. If that doesn't happen, please speak to your doctor to see if the dosage needs adjusting.

    I understand how you feel about a possible diagnosis - as you may know if you've read my posts, I decided not to get a formal diagnosis and one reason was because  do not have an informant for my childhood years. I also was never able to get a job that reflected my intelligence and talents.

    Maybe try writing down the positives in your life, to remind you it's not all bad. You have a husband and a daughter who love you. You can work and also look after your daughter, so you are making a huge contribution to your little family. Your extreme stress and self harm has stopped and your daughter is doing well. It sounds like your daughter's teacher likes you too, as she is encouraging you with social stuff, although if you don't feel ready to do that at the moment just be honest and say that. Also you are accepted here and can chat to us.

    You will get through this - you are stronger than you think. Take care of yourself.

  • in reply to Mads

    Thank you, your response is important for me

  • Hey. I'm glad you shared how you were feeling, I find that is sometimes the hardest thing to do. I can't give any immediate advice that's going to change things for you in the short term nor would I want to try but, know if you need anything there are so many people who are here and will have felt and or been through something similar; and can actually help and actually understand opposed to just saying they do. Sorry its so s*** for you at the moment. That's what this place is for, its never pointless.