I feel a need for connection but can't really connect. Even in this forum. I want to feel pleasure, but with my meds I feel nothing. The win is that I don't have extreme stress and self harm anymore, but the sacrifice is losing love to my hobby. So it feels empty. I started functioning better at least from someone's perspective- it takes me less time to process information and respond- very important for my daughter. There is s big improvement with my repetitive behaviours. Unfortunately there is not much improvement in my social skills, maybe only the thing that I can "take a bit more". So I can spend some more time with my loved ones without sensation of my brain shaking when others chat.
My daughters teacher keep encouraging me to make contact with other parents of other kids. But I have the stress like always: and what will we talk about? How should I approach them? I feel pressured to make friends. I red that social awkwardness of a parent may also influence the child's development. As for now my daughter is doing better and better. Im just tired. I feel not fully mature although I often hear, that im very logical.
My therapist says I should be assessed for autism. I asked him if he has maybe any other suspected diagnosis, but he said there is nothing else that would come to his mind. I'm scared of all this and I can't manage it. I still didn't find a clinic, nobody responds to my calls and no callback. It's all too much. It feels like a pile of heavy books put on my head and I have to carry them. I'm also stressed because even if I find a diagnostic clinic, I might be refused because of not having informant. I do have some evidence of me having problems since my early childhood, but there is noone to confirm it for me. I'm tempted to go private- especially because I want to get a citizenship of the country I'm living in, so not having the dx in the papers would be better option. I have savings, I can pay it. But then there is a doubt- would they really properly diagnose me as they should or would I just get the diagnosis I pay for. I was misdiagnosed previously in my life and mistreated and I wouldn't like to go through that again.
On other hand, maybe the evidence that I have and my memories would be enough for a private assessor. I have my school reports and what they show is quite a spikey profile, they state i was whiny (in summer camp) also well behaved and compliant. The biggest problem with them and all other papers that I have is that they are all in my first language. Not in German. So either I would have to pay for translations or the assessors would be fine with just seeing the originals and having it translated by Google.
I'm relatively successful- I got married although I heard my whole childhood and youth, that I wouldn't be good in this role. I graduated and have a job. Low wage job much below my qualifications but it's much better than not having any job. Without meds every single day is a huge stress for me, I cried at work in every company I worked for, it costs me a lot to go through the day, not to mask and appear normal. I'm often not taken seriously.
I kinda feel like I should cry but there are no tears coming because I feel not enough to cry. I'm sorry for this quite long and probably pointless post.
Thank you all for being here and for that I can be here part of this community.
