Stuck and terrified

Relatively successful and high achieving can also go hand in hand with masking and lead to meltdowns. 12 years ago I had a serious mental breakdown around work I now believe to be autism related and exacerbated in part by my refusal to accept this fact. Returning to work it was like no one even realised what had I had just gone through- a sort of Lynchian nightmare in my head.  This was before I even considered getting a diagnosis. Even directly after I did not have the vocabulary to articulate what had just happened. Doctors thought it was a depressive episode, anti depressants did very little. Cbt worked in the short term but I kept returning to the same point. Getting a formal diagnosis allowed me to see a lot more and I kind of live with it in secret only a few close people knowing. It’s also not perfect knowing this because the world is imperfect and not yet ready or equipped to understand neurodivergence in an impartial equal way. If you’d have said to me 10-15 years ago I had Autism I would have probably laughed or taken it in an insulting way. 

Relatively successful and high achieving can also go hand in hand with masking and lead to meltdowns. 12 years ago I had a serious mental breakdown around work I now believe to be autism related and exacerbated in part by my refusal to slow down. returning to work it was like no one even realised what had I had just gone through-i found this kind of distressing too - a sort of Lynchian nightmare in my head.  This was before I even considered getting a diagnosis. Even directly after I did not have the vocabulary to articulate what had just happened. Doctors thought it was a depressive episode, anti depressants did very little. Cbt worked in the short term but I kept returning to the same point. Getting a formal diagnosis allowed me to see a lot more and I kind of live with it in secret only a few close people knowing. It’s also not perfect knowing this because the world is imperfect and not yet ready or equipped to understand neurodivergence in an impartial equal way. If you’d have said to me 10-15 years ago I had Autism I would have probably laughed or taken it in an insulting way. 

If you do have autism I don’t think meds will help you with this as much as talking to the right people. 

Thank you! Yes, mental breakdowns happened to me already in the past. I remember crying at work in almost every company I worked and I myself couldn't explain why I cried at work. The only thing I could say was "too much". It was all too much, too much going on, too much information,  too many people,  too many new people, too many phone calls etc. I was under constant high stress feeling like under voltage or something and from time to time it got really bad and yes, of course- when nobody knows what's going on, it's the standard,  most popular diagnosis- depression. When I worked in McDonald's I was even taken to psychiatrist hospital, only to hear that I have depression. I had to migrate to other country with probably higher awareness about the mental health,  the therapist was very quick to pick up on my autistic traits and behaviour so it looks like I'm not even masking well. 

While I was diagnosed with that depression and also tourette (false) I thought I have an incurable depression since birth. Only two years ago stumbled upon autism absolutely accidentally, I described that on my post "second anniversary diary".

I do have some thoughts that everyone sees me autistic,  I can't suppress my stimms, I barely even control them. Movements with my fingers, whenever I start reading or watching something that is interesting, or just concentrating on something that is Important for example a training at work. My manager initially wanted to make me his assistant because as he said I'm smart and learning fast and understanding the processes etc. But then it turned out that my social skills are poor and I have mental breakdowns, especially if I have to talk to people and there is more going on. So I'm nit his assistant. On one hand it's good because I wouldn't be able to do it, on other hand there is always the question what I would be capable of, if I was like others. I heard many times that im gifted or that I should start my own business,  why I don't drive a car etc. No, I can't but it's not that visible that I can't.

Alien0n3arth said:

therapist was very quick to pick up on my autistic traits and behaviour so it looks like I'm not even masking well. 

I worried about that. I suddenly thought, "everyone knows apart from me".

But they know what they are looking for. Camouflaging covers many things and you can be very good at it. The issue is when you are stressed, or close to burnout, you will start to have cracks. It is not only obvious things, like not being able to suppress stimming, but can include more subtle changes. Your emotions are also less under control and affect your thinking, which helps to show what is happening.

Trying to reduce how much you monitor and analyse  yourself, your thoughts, views, actions, what you say, is part of reducing the pressure. 

Alien0n3arth said:

therapist was very quick to pick up on my autistic traits and behaviour so it looks like I'm not even masking well. 

I worried about that. I suddenly thought, "everyone knows apart from me".

But they know what they are looking for. Camouflaging covers many things and you can be very good at it. The issue is when you are stressed, or close to burnout, you will start to have cracks. It is not only obvious things, like not being able to suppress stimming, but can include more subtle changes. Your emotions are also less under control and affect your thinking, which helps to show what is happening.

Trying to reduce how much you monitor and analyse  yourself, your thoughts, views, actions, what you say, is part of reducing the pressure. 

I do have some thoughts that everyone sees me autistic,  I can't suppress my stimms, I barely even control them. Movements with my fingers, whenever I start reading or watching something that is interesting, or just concentrating on something that is Important for example a training at work. My manager initially wanted to make me his assistant because as he said I'm smart and learning fast and understanding the processes etc. But then it turned out that my social skills are poor and I have mental breakdowns, especially if I have to talk to people and there is more going on. So I'm nit his assistant. On one hand it's good because I wouldn't be able to do it, on other hand there is always the question what I would be capable of, if I was like others. I heard many times that im gifted or that I should start my own business,  why I don't drive a car etc. No, I can't but it's not that visible that I can't.