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Stuck and terrified

Alien0n3arth

After a mental breakdown and me going on meds, my therapist said I should be assessed for autism. And here I'm terrified of possibly receiving this diagnosis. I would like to join a support group,  for that I need the formal diagnosis. I'm also afraid of the group. I'm married, I have a child, a part time job, I'm seemingly too successful to be autistic.  I'm afraid of being hated by other members of the group for joining in, while I may seem, from someones perspective to not have any unusual struggles in life. I tried to find a trauma therapy,  but couldn't. My therapist said he doesn't think that the trauma therapy alone would help me. He said now the most important thing is the formal diagnosis.  I do need long term assistance from mental health professionals,  meds periodically, therapies etc. I'm lucky I didn't hurt myself over a week ago. Now im stable although I struggle with getting used to tge side effects. As someone here suggested,  I started writing a diary. Now im terrified of being possibly labeled autistic.  I'm also terrified of not receiving any help. Once I thought I would deserve a confirmation of my struggles, now my point if view evolved. Currently I'm waiting for information if the assessment would be done in our town or I have to find some other clinic outside. Or maybe give up all this... I don't know what to do. Has anyone felt this way before assessment?

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  • Relatively successful and high achieving can also go hand in hand with masking and lead to meltdowns. 12 years ago I had a serious mental breakdown around work I now believe to be autism related and exacerbated in part by my refusal to accept this fact. Returning to work it was like no one even realised what had I had just gone through- a sort of Lynchian nightmare in my head.  This was before I even considered getting a diagnosis. Even directly after I did not have the vocabulary to articulate what had just happened. Doctors thought it was a depressive episode, anti depressants did very little. Cbt worked in the short term but I kept returning to the same point. Getting a formal diagnosis allowed me to see a lot more and I kind of live with it in secret only a few close people knowing. It’s also not perfect knowing this because the world is imperfect and not yet ready or equipped to understand neurodivergence in an impartial equal way. If you’d have said to me 10-15 years ago I had Autism I would have probably laughed or taken it in an insulting way. 

  • in reply to pietro_21

    Relatively successful and high achieving can also go hand in hand with masking and lead to meltdowns. 12 years ago I had a serious mental breakdown around work I now believe to be autism related and exacerbated in part by my refusal to slow down. returning to work it was like no one even realised what had I had just gone through-i found this kind of distressing too - a sort of Lynchian nightmare in my head.  This was before I even considered getting a diagnosis. Even directly after I did not have the vocabulary to articulate what had just happened. Doctors thought it was a depressive episode, anti depressants did very little. Cbt worked in the short term but I kept returning to the same point. Getting a formal diagnosis allowed me to see a lot more and I kind of live with it in secret only a few close people knowing. It’s also not perfect knowing this because the world is imperfect and not yet ready or equipped to understand neurodivergence in an impartial equal way. If you’d have said to me 10-15 years ago I had Autism I would have probably laughed or taken it in an insulting way. 

    If you do have autism I don’t think meds will help you with this as much as talking to the right people. 

  • in reply to pietro_21

    Thank you! Yes, mental breakdowns happened to me already in the past. I remember crying at work in almost every company I worked and I myself couldn't explain why I cried at work. The only thing I could say was "too much". It was all too much, too much going on, too much information,  too many people,  too many new people, too many phone calls etc. I was under constant high stress feeling like under voltage or something and from time to time it got really bad and yes, of course- when nobody knows what's going on, it's the standard,  most popular diagnosis- depression. When I worked in McDonald's I was even taken to psychiatrist hospital, only to hear that I have depression. I had to migrate to other country with probably higher awareness about the mental health,  the therapist was very quick to pick up on my autistic traits and behaviour so it looks like I'm not even masking well. 

    While I was diagnosed with that depression and also tourette (false) I thought I have an incurable depression since birth. Only two years ago stumbled upon autism absolutely accidentally, I described that on my post "second anniversary diary".

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  • in reply to pietro_21

    Thank you! Yes, mental breakdowns happened to me already in the past. I remember crying at work in almost every company I worked and I myself couldn't explain why I cried at work. The only thing I could say was "too much". It was all too much, too much going on, too much information,  too many people,  too many new people, too many phone calls etc. I was under constant high stress feeling like under voltage or something and from time to time it got really bad and yes, of course- when nobody knows what's going on, it's the standard,  most popular diagnosis- depression. When I worked in McDonald's I was even taken to psychiatrist hospital, only to hear that I have depression. I had to migrate to other country with probably higher awareness about the mental health,  the therapist was very quick to pick up on my autistic traits and behaviour so it looks like I'm not even masking well. 

    While I was diagnosed with that depression and also tourette (false) I thought I have an incurable depression since birth. Only two years ago stumbled upon autism absolutely accidentally, I described that on my post "second anniversary diary".

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