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Struggling

Cinnabar_wing

So I'm trying desperately not to succumb to my flight response currently and stay on the forum. Thank you mods for your understanding and patience.

It's quite big for me, as last year it was part of the reason for quitting my last job, (along with working to complete exhaustion). We had a work Discord server which was 'the office', but my anxiety started spiralling, I started deleting my posts, removing responses, profile pics. In the end I had removed myself from 4 years of communications and gotten everyone worried. They tried to help but at I didn't know what was happening to me, I couldn't stop till I removed myself from the server entirely, unfriended everyone and quit. (I was hitting the wall that led me to discover I'm autistic). 

And I'm actually worse in real life when I've tried to have counselling, so I don't have a lot of options to stop the spiralling and improve.

I've had some good advice on how to do this from people here and lovely support, so I will try my best to overcome my reactions and fear as I know it's not good for me and it's only getting worse.

Thank you for your patience everyone, I'm not very good at this.

Parents

  • I’m sorry that you are feeling so unsettled at the moment about being on here. Do you feel able to share what is troubling you about posting on here? I think you make such valued contributions on here so it would be a shame for you to leave. Having said that if you don’t feel it’s right for you at the moment you can always leave for a while and hopefully return when you feel more comfortable to do that? Do what feels right for you - and be kind to yourself whatever your decision. We will still be here for you if you decide to return. I can relate to having some disquieting feelings about sharing on things like this - sometimes it feels unsettling for me too. However I really value coming on here because I feel there are people on here who really understand how life is for autistic people and the extra challenges we face, and our different perspectives. Whatever choice you make it’s ok - just do what feels right for you and don’t feel bad about it. 

  • in reply to Kate Kestrel
    Kate Kestrel said:
    Do you feel able to share what is troubling you about posting on here?

    That's a great question, and it's made me think more about it. 

    As with most issues, there are several elements at play.

    I often want to say things, but not sure if I say them it'll be received the way I meant -having gotten social situations wrong a lot in my life.(Anxiety)

    In real life, if I say something stupid and it's ignored, I'll just wish I could fall into a giant hole in the ground and tell myself to stop talking. But online I can't tell if I've said the wrong thing, and I then start worrying about it. And even if some people agree, I still worry I could've offended others.(People pleasing)

    I find online easier, as it gives me time to really formulate what I want to say. In real life the conversation might have moved on before I really had what I wanted to say ready and checked in my mind. I have time online, but words have more permanency, so by deleting I'm throwing them into the metaphorical hole in the ground I feel I should be in, as I feel unworthy to share space with others. (Lack of self esteem)

    But then there comes another element as I'm filled with compulsion to erase my unworthiness further and I'll seek out other comments to delete too. (Note I do not harm physically, that goes against my rules). But it's not something I realised before how strong the compulsion is? The self censorship grows till I'll be deleting immediately after posting then stop being able to post entirely. 

    As this effects my job too, as I work freelance remotely and often use online places like slack and discord, I need to address it. So this is practice. Trying to stop the metaphorical beast on my shoulder devouring my words.

  • in reply to Cinnabar_wing

    Oh no, not the great big hole of doom! I've been down there more times than I care to remember, it's horrible, a place where all the "what if's" in the world live. I'm less likely to go down there online but in real life, I do it all the time, I over think, interrogate everything I've said, to people the way I've looked at them the way they've looked at me and end up a jibbering paralysed wreck.

    I've finally started to worry less about offending people, some people are a sense of offence looking for somewhere to manifest, some people offend me and I have as much right to be offended as everyone else, some people need challenging.

    I'm so glad you want to stay, I so hope you do. Yours are always posts I look forward to reading.

    We're always all here with ropes and tackle to help you out of the pit of doom, just shout and we'll send out a search party.

Reply
  • in reply to Cinnabar_wing

    Oh no, not the great big hole of doom! I've been down there more times than I care to remember, it's horrible, a place where all the "what if's" in the world live. I'm less likely to go down there online but in real life, I do it all the time, I over think, interrogate everything I've said, to people the way I've looked at them the way they've looked at me and end up a jibbering paralysed wreck.

    I've finally started to worry less about offending people, some people are a sense of offence looking for somewhere to manifest, some people offend me and I have as much right to be offended as everyone else, some people need challenging.

    I'm so glad you want to stay, I so hope you do. Yours are always posts I look forward to reading.

    We're always all here with ropes and tackle to help you out of the pit of doom, just shout and we'll send out a search party.

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