Struggling

I’m sorry that you are feeling so unsettled at the moment about being on here. Do you feel able to share what is troubling you about posting on here? I think you make such valued contributions on here so it would be a shame for you to leave. Having said that if you don’t feel it’s right for you at the moment you can always leave for a while and hopefully return when you feel more comfortable to do that? Do what feels right for you - and be kind to yourself whatever your decision. We will still be here for you if you decide to return. I can relate to having some disquieting feelings about sharing on things like this - sometimes it feels unsettling for me too. However I really value coming on here because I feel there are people on here who really understand how life is for autistic people and the extra challenges we face, and our different perspectives. Whatever choice you make it’s ok - just do what feels right for you and don’t feel bad about it. 

Kate Kestrel said:

Do you feel able to share what is troubling you about posting on here?

That's a great question, and it's made me think more about it. 

As with most issues, there are several elements at play.

I often want to say things, but not sure if I say them it'll be received the way I meant -having gotten social situations wrong a lot in my life.(Anxiety)

In real life, if I say something stupid and it's ignored, I'll just wish I could fall into a giant hole in the ground and tell myself to stop talking. But online I can't tell if I've said the wrong thing, and I then start worrying about it. And even if some people agree, I still worry I could've offended others.(People pleasing)

I find online easier, as it gives me time to really formulate what I want to say. In real life the conversation might have moved on before I really had what I wanted to say ready and checked in my mind. I have time online, but words have more permanency, so by deleting I'm throwing them into the metaphorical hole in the ground I feel I should be in, as I feel unworthy to share space with others. (Lack of self esteem)

But then there comes another element as I'm filled with compulsion to erase my unworthiness further and I'll seek out other comments to delete too. (Note I do not harm physically, that goes against my rules). But it's not something I realised before how strong the compulsion is? The self censorship grows till I'll be deleting immediately after posting then stop being able to post entirely. 

As this effects my job too, as I work freelance remotely and often use online places like slack and discord, I need to address it. So this is practice. Trying to stop the metaphorical beast on my shoulder devouring my words.

Kate Kestrel said:

Do you feel able to share what is troubling you about posting on here?

That's a great question, and it's made me think more about it. 

As with most issues, there are several elements at play.

I often want to say things, but not sure if I say them it'll be received the way I meant -having gotten social situations wrong a lot in my life.(Anxiety)

In real life, if I say something stupid and it's ignored, I'll just wish I could fall into a giant hole in the ground and tell myself to stop talking. But online I can't tell if I've said the wrong thing, and I then start worrying about it. And even if some people agree, I still worry I could've offended others.(People pleasing)

I find online easier, as it gives me time to really formulate what I want to say. In real life the conversation might have moved on before I really had what I wanted to say ready and checked in my mind. I have time online, but words have more permanency, so by deleting I'm throwing them into the metaphorical hole in the ground I feel I should be in, as I feel unworthy to share space with others. (Lack of self esteem)

But then there comes another element as I'm filled with compulsion to erase my unworthiness further and I'll seek out other comments to delete too. (Note I do not harm physically, that goes against my rules). But it's not something I realised before how strong the compulsion is? The self censorship grows till I'll be deleting immediately after posting then stop being able to post entirely. 

As this effects my job too, as I work freelance remotely and often use online places like slack and discord, I need to address it. So this is practice. Trying to stop the metaphorical beast on my shoulder devouring my words.

That’s really helpful. I often feel this way too. If I write an email to someone it takes me AGES as I so worry about getting it right and not seeming unfriendly, or too friendly, or any number of things I might get wrong. So much self doubt. It’s not easy is it? So tiring and unsettling. I do all I can to relax about these things but they are just a part of me in a way and these thinking habits are hard to change. So I really do relate to the way you also worry in this way. I think that in reality we are just being paranoid - and most people don’t pick up on the things we perceive as being ‘wrong’ about ourselves and the things we do. Your peace of mind is valuable - so doing all we can to to reassure ourselves is well worth the effort. I’m glad that you’re trying to overcome your urge to leave here - that takes real courage. 

Oh no, not the great big hole of doom! I've been down there more times than I care to remember, it's horrible, a place where all the "what if's" in the world live. I'm less likely to go down there online but in real life, I do it all the time, I over think, interrogate everything I've said, to people the way I've looked at them the way they've looked at me and end up a jibbering paralysed wreck.

I've finally started to worry less about offending people, some people are a sense of offence looking for somewhere to manifest, some people offend me and I have as much right to be offended as everyone else, some people need challenging.

I'm so glad you want to stay, I so hope you do. Yours are always posts I look forward to reading.

We're always all here with ropes and tackle to help you out of the pit of doom, just shout and we'll send out a search party.

Stuart333 said:

I suggested you think of it as voicing what other people are thinking too

That does help, I wouldn't censor others, so it is a way of staying my hand.

I'm pleased you said it openly, well done. It is what I thought.

I suggested you think of it as voicing what other people are thinking too. You are just the brave spokesperson. This can make it less personal. It helped me till I became confident. It makes it a group thing; you are not alone. It makes it less scary.

Also who says other people are correct? If you thought about it carefully, why are you not right? Or maybe parts of both positions are right. It is often not black and white, but we like binary positions.

You are as worthy as everyone else. You don't need to people please. I try not to, but conflict avoidance in real life is strong.