Struggling

I’m sorry that you are feeling so unsettled at the moment about being on here. Do you feel able to share what is troubling you about posting on here? I think you make such valued contributions on here so it would be a shame for you to leave. Having said that if you don’t feel it’s right for you at the moment you can always leave for a while and hopefully return when you feel more comfortable to do that? Do what feels right for you - and be kind to yourself whatever your decision. We will still be here for you if you decide to return. I can relate to having some disquieting feelings about sharing on things like this - sometimes it feels unsettling for me too. However I really value coming on here because I feel there are people on here who really understand how life is for autistic people and the extra challenges we face, and our different perspectives. Whatever choice you make it’s ok - just do what feels right for you and don’t feel bad about it. 

Kate Kestrel said:

Do you feel able to share what is troubling you about posting on here?

That's a great question, and it's made me think more about it. 

As with most issues, there are several elements at play.

I often want to say things, but not sure if I say them it'll be received the way I meant -having gotten social situations wrong a lot in my life.(Anxiety)

In real life, if I say something stupid and it's ignored, I'll just wish I could fall into a giant hole in the ground and tell myself to stop talking. But online I can't tell if I've said the wrong thing, and I then start worrying about it. And even if some people agree, I still worry I could've offended others.(People pleasing)

I find online easier, as it gives me time to really formulate what I want to say. In real life the conversation might have moved on before I really had what I wanted to say ready and checked in my mind. I have time online, but words have more permanency, so by deleting I'm throwing them into the metaphorical hole in the ground I feel I should be in, as I feel unworthy to share space with others. (Lack of self esteem)

But then there comes another element as I'm filled with compulsion to erase my unworthiness further and I'll seek out other comments to delete too. (Note I do not harm physically, that goes against my rules). But it's not something I realised before how strong the compulsion is? The self censorship grows till I'll be deleting immediately after posting then stop being able to post entirely. 

As this effects my job too, as I work freelance remotely and often use online places like slack and discord, I need to address it. So this is practice. Trying to stop the metaphorical beast on my shoulder devouring my words.

I'm pleased you said it openly, well done. It is what I thought.

I suggested you think of it as voicing what other people are thinking too. You are just the brave spokesperson. This can make it less personal. It helped me till I became confident. It makes it a group thing; you are not alone. It makes it less scary.

Also who says other people are correct? If you thought about it carefully, why are you not right? Or maybe parts of both positions are right. It is often not black and white, but we like binary positions.

You are as worthy as everyone else. You don't need to people please. I try not to, but conflict avoidance in real life is strong.

I'm pleased you said it openly, well done. It is what I thought.

I suggested you think of it as voicing what other people are thinking too. You are just the brave spokesperson. This can make it less personal. It helped me till I became confident. It makes it a group thing; you are not alone. It makes it less scary.

Also who says other people are correct? If you thought about it carefully, why are you not right? Or maybe parts of both positions are right. It is often not black and white, but we like binary positions.

You are as worthy as everyone else. You don't need to people please. I try not to, but conflict avoidance in real life is strong.

Stuart333 said:

I suggested you think of it as voicing what other people are thinking too

That does help, I wouldn't censor others, so it is a way of staying my hand.