Suicide post

I don't agree with the removal, and just want to voice my support to you.

I was writing my reply while it got removed. I hope it is fine to still add what I remember of it. The questions I had were (I may edit them if I can remember more):

1. Was I reading correctly that you feel useless, and demotivated? Maybe because of the previous work experiences (like a PhD, I think you mentioned) ?

2. Is there any external pressure that you could lift off your shoulders, that would make things easier? Won't fix things, but can make them less bad, as a starting point.

3. Do you have any hobbies that you feel like doing even now?

I don't agree with the removal, and just want to voice my support to you.

I was writing my reply while it got removed. I hope it is fine to still add what I remember of it. The questions I had were (I may edit them if I can remember more):

1. Was I reading correctly that you feel useless, and demotivated? Maybe because of the previous work experiences (like a PhD, I think you mentioned) ?

2. Is there any external pressure that you could lift off your shoulders, that would make things easier? Won't fix things, but can make them less bad, as a starting point.

3. Do you have any hobbies that you feel like doing even now?

Reply thank you. I am deeply hurt and feeling very helpless, I have over the years built resilience but I cannot seem to come out of it, I was bullied out of work yet again (I'm highly competent in my field) but unable to do all the extra social aspects that makes one a success, so I have been out of employment for a year, it will be a year in the next few months, I have no desire to return. I am simply burnt out. I have hobbies, but have no desire to do anything, yet I require structure to function. I have been trying, getting out of bed at 6am, doing some tidying up, reading, trying to regulate my eating habits, routinely attending to my cats, which provides structure, but I honestly feel superfluous to society. I am not claiming benefits as I am relying on my savings to twindle and just about coping financially, but its hard, life is hard, if there is a knock on the door or the post fall, I simply do not want to open the door, open the post, open emails, I don't want to encounter people. I think I'm done, I'm done with life, I have no purpose and if I am perfectly honest my cats are the only thing that achor me, as I worry whether others would take good care of them as I, and I wouldn't want the cats to look for me, both love me and I them, they have always been my world, they regulate my anxiety but I am struggling mentally that I can only just about to cope feeding them in the evening and once in the evening, which just about meets their needs, their food is on prescription and gets delivered, so I don't have to plan and navigate outside. I have tried to simplify my life at a cost, because prescription and not working are costly, but equally essential for my mental being. The only way I can shut the inner voice is taking an afternoon nap, and I escape my reality. Opening up like this is scary, I know I need help, but I'm scared when I vocalize my inner thoughts that we will unravel the seriousness of my mental health and it worries me, that if I put a lid on it, I can sometimes curtail it, but there are moments when I think I may do something unexpectedly and take my own life, simply because I thought I could curtail my emotions. I wish there was more help for us, guidance, or just another one of me, us, where we could sit in silence and appreciate this is the mind of Autism and learn to find comfort in it, silently.

And lastly, do you have access to a psychologist? Mine -but I was lucky- has helped me incredibly.